Am I miserable or being a bit of a doormat?

[Itsa10fromLen]

Not for social media please.

Anyone get a bit fed up of relatives always wanting to visit you in your own home? Or feel a bit ‘used’?

Prepared for the onslaught but I’m getting a bit fed up of people wanting to come to my home and sit for hours while I make hot drinks, snacks etc, I feel like a bloody hostage. It’s never ‘come to ours.’ Or ‘shall we meet and I’ll get you a coffee.’ And it doesn’t matter how many times you say no in various polite ways there’s always a way they weedle their way around it. For example: I will say that it’s actually not convenient and don’t offer an alternative which feels like it should be enough for them to get the hint that it’s not something I want and wait for an invite but they will still ask if a different day is better, reeling off endless days / times. Jesus have they got the skin of rhinos or what? Why don’t people wait to be invited?! I don’t invite myself to a single person’s home. I don’t think they realise that there’s not only them that want to visit, well actually they do because I tell them but they don’t seem to care. If you’ve got three separate family members that want to visit at least once per week for hours at a time it starts to feel a bit much.

I have suggested to these people that I meet them outside of my home but that has presented its own problems 😂 and I cannot remember the last time I was invited to someone’s home and made a hot drink let alone a snack.

While we’re on the topic, how often do you all see your parents, IL’s, siblings, adult children etc?

Not for social media please
You're on social media OP.

No, this doesn’t happen to me at all! How do these conversations (where people regularly just tell you they want to sit in your house being waited on ) actually go?

“Sorry, we’ll be out and in any event I am not having guests at the house for the time being as all the hosting has started to grate on me. Happy to meet in town somewhere in a few weeks time.”

If they do turn up, either don’t answer the door (shout that you’re in the middle of “something”) or offer them a glass of water because you’re “on a cleanse”.

Honestly you need to make it much more obvious that they aren’t welcome- I think you’re being too polite and giving mixed messages.

How about "actually my diary is a bit busy for the next few weeks, but I could come to you on...". Our just "I'm afraid I'm not very free at the moment. But I could do a coffee in town on..." No need to explain why every slot they suggest doesn't work.

Mil: Can I pop over at the weekend for a coffee?
Me: We’re out and about so how about we pop over to you?
Mil: Oh no there is nothing for the kids here, they’ll be bored so I’ll come to you
Me: They love it at yours, they’ll be happy running around the garden
Mil: No I’d rather come to you

I've had that conversation more times than I care to count.

How about just being blunt and saying, “I always host. How about we come to yours this time?” Hints are clearly not working. Time to be bold.

You are probably an excellent host with a nice welcoming home where they like to hang out. You might be a victim of your own success.
This doesn't happen to me because I live a long way away from most of my family - so I only see my family members when I visit them as they rarely make the journey to me.
I do not think you are being miserable. Could you just bluntly say, look folks, I need to give myself a month or two off hosting. I'd love to see you but until X date can we make it at yours.

If it's family you can say (jokingly if you must, but mean it) that you're sick of hosting and it's their turn.

I can’t even explain it to you! One family have just asked to come for so long that it’s become normal! They have a dysfunctional set up at home but that’s not my bloody fault! I fob them off as often as possible but they want to see our children. I feel
like they should occasionally host or suggest meeting outside and I don’t think it would kill them to buy us a coffee/pint in a pub or cafe once a blue moon considering I’ve been hosting them for almost a decade! Another one has a very small home and I think they think it’s more convenient for me if they visit but actually I am such a busy person that I really begrudge setting more than an hour aside for
people to sit talking at me. The last one is difficult as I know they want more of my time (and probably deserve it) but my young children struggle to share my attention at home for 3–4 hours at a time (they are wanting to get out after a couple of hours which I think is normal) which is at least how long they stay. But if I arrange to meet them out it’s like I’ve invited them out and it costs me a fortune. I don’t think these people believe that on a typical day I don’t sit down at all. I work out, I clean, I do the washing, I parent two children and I do so many steps by just even being at home so sitting chatting for so long feels so dysregulating to me.

To answer the last part of your Q

I see my parents 1-2 times per month
My sibling 1-2 times per year
My FIL 2-3 times a week (he moved nearby and DH manages his home and care)
DHs family 2-3 times per year

We’re geographically but not emotionally distant

I think it’s your turn to invite me, isn’t it!

I can’t believe how many people just say ‘no thank you, I’m sick of hosting.’ The idea of having to say that makes me want to vomit. They are normal and I clearly am not.

I don't like this either. I love hosting but I don't like people inviting themselves - and never inviting me to theirs. Why should I always play the gracious host? I'm human, sometimes I want to be the guest, too. I find it so rude when people go to someone's house frequently but never invite back. I have a rule that if someone has been to my house 3 times, but not invited me back to theirs for so much as a cup of coffee, they're not coming to my house anymore. I'll gladly meet with them, but I'll do so somewhere else. A restaurant, coffee shop...I don't care, as long as it's not in my home.

they will still ask if a different day is better
Do you then tell them which day is better for you?

I would just respond to this question with, "I'm available on Friday but we'd have to meet somewhere in the city. We can grab a coffee or a bite to eat, it doesn't matter to me - which would you prefer?". That way, I give them options, and none of them are MY house, lol.

If they resist and say, "well, can't we just come to yours? That'd be easier for us", I'd say, "I'd rather not be cooped up at home, actually. The weather is so nice, there's only so much summer left to enjoy it. And, to be honest, I'm all guested out as we've had people coming over to our house all summer. I'd like a break from hosting for a while, I hope you understand. I'm happy to come down to yours, though, if that's more convenient for you?".

I think this directly tells them you're sick of having guests, but in a rather polite way if I do say so myself. I also think it sends them the message that you're always doing the hosting so maybe it's their turn to invite you over...

I had the same issue wirh friends, so I know it can be difficult to say no (and when I did, I felt awful and much more open to saying yes if they asked again).
But I become resentful of all the drinks and snacks and time I had given to some friends who never reciprocated. Luckily, I started doing some redecorating on my house, so I used that excuse all summer long ‘’sorry, my house is upside down, I’m redecorating’. The following year I found more work to do and used the same excuse again. By the third year the pattern was broken so there was no longer an automatic expectation that I would host. Now, whenever anyone suggests meeting, I straight away respond wirh ‘’I’d love to. I can meet in [public location] or [another public location]. If that’s not convenient, I am happy to come to yours’’. I never invite them to mine anymore, but I’m not expecting them to invite me to their place either.

Well done!

Could try “sure you could come visit between 11-1pm on Saturday. I’ve been absolutely slammed so you’ll need to bring lunch with you! I’ve got an appointment at 1.30 so I’ll be kicking you all out at 1pm. Xx”

or “sure why don’t you come to dinner on Thursday? Around 5ish? I supplied the tea and biscuits last time so why don’t you sort out the takeaway. There’s a great X place round the corner. Kids will go in the bath around 6.30” 😂😂😂

if you are willing to see them tell them it’s their turn to provide! Otherwise do as others have said
”sorry we are taking a break from hosting, shall we have a park play, meet at X restaurant (take cash) or we can come to you?”

Thanks. I have tried this and I’ve had to leave at the same time as them before because I gave them a time they needed to leave and then gave 3 separate count down style warnings when could see they weren’t packing up and I still had to kind of usher them out. Oh god, I’m going to have to emigrate. They’re never going to see that it’s a problem.

Im feeling like `I need to put a revolving door to my house

Its not pop in for a cuppa that's doing my head in, its every one of the extended family knowing there's enough room for them to stop the night

one set of in-laws, their son lives a mile from me, do they stay at his when they visit him and the GKs - nope, stay here. They are out the door and then our grandkids are here, then the nieces and nephews from around the world - with friends and partners in tow

I dream of a studio flat

Ye big family, nobody waits for invites we all pop in and out as we please from grandparents, parents cousins, siblings etc and we all know where the kettles are and look after ourselves and anyone else that's around at that moment lol I love it tho