Am I miserable or being a bit of a doormat?

[Itsa10fromLen]

Not for social media please.

Anyone get a bit fed up of relatives always wanting to visit you in your own home? Or feel a bit ‘used’?

Prepared for the onslaught but I’m getting a bit fed up of people wanting to come to my home and sit for hours while I make hot drinks, snacks etc, I feel like a bloody hostage. It’s never ‘come to ours.’ Or ‘shall we meet and I’ll get you a coffee.’ And it doesn’t matter how many times you say no in various polite ways there’s always a way they weedle their way around it. For example: I will say that it’s actually not convenient and don’t offer an alternative which feels like it should be enough for them to get the hint that it’s not something I want and wait for an invite but they will still ask if a different day is better, reeling off endless days / times. Jesus have they got the skin of rhinos or what? Why don’t people wait to be invited?! I don’t invite myself to a single person’s home. I don’t think they realise that there’s not only them that want to visit, well actually they do because I tell them but they don’t seem to care. If you’ve got three separate family members that want to visit at least once per week for hours at a time it starts to feel a bit much.

I have suggested to these people that I meet them outside of my home but that has presented its own problems 😂 and I cannot remember the last time I was invited to someone’s home and made a hot drink let alone a snack.

While we’re on the topic, how often do you all see your parents, IL’s, siblings, adult children etc?

I think a lot of people think it’s more convenient as the person they’re trying to arrange to see doesn’t need to travel and they probably assume they’ll be close by anyway.

my family is always saying, “I’ll call in for a coffee on x day”, “will you be around this afternoon? I’ll pop over”.

just reading this post I wonder if I need to get in first and “offer” to visit them!

This is similar to a family member of mine. I just say ‘having visitors is a bit of a pain at the minute can we meet at x cafe or I’ll come to you.

Regarding second part

Mum and Dad: Daily
Grandparents: At least weekly, sometimes more
Sister: At least weekly
Brkther: Every 2 - 3 weeks (he lives about 45 min drive away and is a dr with night shift hours)
MIL/SIL: Every 3 months. DH is low contact - he speaks to them weekly but struggles to be around them regularly. They aren’t horrible people and are very kind but there was lots of trauma in his childhood which has impacted these as he’s grown up.

Parents / in-laws: every 6-8 weeks or so.
Siblings: 2-3 times a year
Other family: n/a

No. My friends and family all know I don’t host (aside from my own adult DC and their DPs) so it only ever arises once before I shut it down.

I just say “sorry I don’t host, part of my neurodivergence/anxiety issues, happy to meet at xyz”

It hasn’t ever been a problem.

You just need to say sorry, I am not hosting anyone at the moment, or no, my place is out, let’s do xyz. If they try to object, just rapidly lose interest, make it clear it will not be at yours.

I’m glad this works for all of you. It made me feel ill just reading it! 😆

If you can't say no stop serving snacks and making it so nice. Just a quick tea or a glass of water is more than enough.

I found telling people in advance that you are going to be busy for the next few months worked. Then when they ask to come over just repeat "We are busy for the next few months with house related stuff, happy to put a date in the diary for Christmas or we can pop into you" on repeat

I love the idea of this! But in reality how on earth do you actually get anything done? Work? Housework? Down time? Spend quality time with your own children? Time to listen to your own thoughts even?

If we had the full family dropping in on us every five minutes I would have no other life! But love the idea they just walk in and boil the kettle, and maybe they do some housework and cooking as well - my vacuum cleaner is that way 😂

Re. your last sentence. It’s not their problem. It’s your problem. You need to make it their problem. Say no, they’re not welcome, don’t let them in if they show up anyway, if you’ve agreed to a visit, do so with a firm endpoint, and get up and usher them out. Stop plying them with food and drink. Your behaviour is telling them it’s fine for them to visit for four hours weekly, because you’re thrilled to see them and have nothing better to do.

But you’re going to make yourself uncomfortable to achieve your end.

Love it - brilliant ! 😆
(Especially the bit about the takeaway ! )

That sounds like my idea of hell!

If your kids want your attention after a couple of hours and the guest is still rambling, do you start attending to them or ignore them to listen to the rambling?

I don’t always want to see them which is also a part of it. I’m happy to see immediate family once a week but they seem to want more so that’s and added layer of difficulty 😂

I'm guessing they al think it's lovely that they have such a community going and have no idea. You've let it go too far! Just say "I'm getting old now and can't do it as much any more" to reduce the shock. And suggest an alternative location.

Yes you’re a doormat. Just use your words and be clear. It doesn’t have to be a confrontation. Just say you don’t want everyone coming to your house all the time and then suggest going out. And make it clear you’re not paying!

This is crazy - the people who visit - is it MIL ?
Who wants to sit and talk their problems all day
If it's so hard for you to say no just go out with the children more - so offer them to join you at the park? zoo? library?

It's fine to keep refusing offers if you don't have the time or bandwidth.

Keep saying no but, if they still turn up, just don't answer the door. You have the power and control here, OP - you decide what happens in your own home.

MIL, adult children, my own parents.

Dear God, I think I would have to emigrate if I lived in a family like that....it just seems so rude to simply walk into someone else's house.

But that OP likes it.

@Itsa10fromLen I totally get this. I do not like hosting anymore. I just find that I don’t want to sit down in my own home and chat to people who don’t currently live with me. And to be honest we only do this on a Sat / Sun at the dinner table. The rest of the chat between us is on the go as we’re busy.

If I do have a few hours free I want to read a book, watch TV, or go to sleep, not bloody chat to people.

I’ve managed to stop hosting as my extended family moved away bar 2 and they work with us so we make an excuse that we see them enough in the day already. And I don’t want to sit round anyone else’s house either. I actually like one particular friend better than anyone else as we only ever meet-up outside the home, so I see her regularly. The others seem to all want to visit so I just WhatsApp them and meet when they want to go out. My circle has got smaller but if the alternative is sitting in my home entertaining them to keep a wider circle id choose the smaller circle every time.

I will say that it’s actually not convenient and don’t offer an alternative which feels like it should be enough for them to get the hint

That's no use at all. It leaves the suggestion of alternatives to them

"No, Thursday is no good, and we're mad busy next week. Shall we meet at (coffee chain of choice) a week on Saturday while DS is at football practice? It would be good to have a break away from the house."

"I can't do this afternoon, we've too much on. Why don't I drop in to see you on my way home from XYZ on Tuesday?"

By offering alternatives you control the venue and the frequency.

If you resent paying for the coffee, get there 5 minutes early and buy your own. Then it's "Shall I look after your coat an bag while you get yourself a drink?"

I see family very rarely, so may not be the best person to give advice on this, but in your shoes I’d have had more than enough by now and , when the next person responded to a ‘no’ by giving me loads of alternative dates, would probably have said, ‘Are you not listening?! I said no. I’m not having people round mine any more because I’ve had enough of hosting all the time. If you want to meet, why don’t I come to yours, or we can go out for a c.’

Sorry, the kids are awful being just cooped up at home -can you believe X just sits on my sofa for hours on end expecting me to feed and entertain her-nightmare (especially when that’s exactly what this person is doing!).

I need to get out-park for an ice cream? If you don’t fancy that, we will pop into you afterwards. No, like I said-not at mine.

This was my family home growing up- we always had people ‘popping in’ which would involve them being offered all kinds of food and drink. Because of this, the house always had to be tidy and clean and we always had to be dressed and presentable by mid morning, which was deemed the first slot people may appear at the door. We always had to have stuff in, ready to feed others. We very rarely descended on other people’s homes- they always came to ours!

Once I got older and wanted to just lounge around hungover of a weekend, I used to joke that my parents were too good at hosting and needed to be less welcoming. The only way my parents can ever get out of it (to this day!) is to physically leave the house or tell people they’re going out when they ring to announce they’re ’popping in’.

I feel for you, as although I benefitted from regularly seeing our relatives and parents’ friends growing up, I definitely didn’t want this for my own home.