AIBU to want Christmas at home after my partner changed plans?

[HannahXsanderson]

Hey looking for advice on what families do at Christmas!
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. So to keep it brief I do not get on with my in-laws and we see each other the odd time but usually my partner takes LO to see them, which works well as I feel so anxious and stressed when seeing them as their is A LOT of water under the bridge. So the previous Christmas’s we have spent with his family which always end with animosity and awkwardness. So last year we spent with my family which was enjoyable but my partner didn’t like being away from home and our families live on opposite sides on the country so we can’t see both over the same two days. So after last Christmas we both agreed that for the next few years at least we’d spend Christmas Eve to Boxing Day doing our own thing and doing our own traditions, my partner was happy about this and even wanted to go abroad since our little one is only 2. The issue is he went to see his mum who for context (is a complete narcissist and control freak) so she got on at him about Christmas and now he has said we will be spending every Christmas with his family for now on. I was so upset I couldn’t even speak to him, I just find Christmas so stressful and wanted a calm few days with us as a family. Of course we’d see both sides over the festive period but I feel his family’s have such big expectations and basically fall out with us if we don’t stay over ect.. I just can’t cope with that this year, so I suggested that he spend it with his family and I stay at home with LO but I feel that he’s only doing all of this to appease his mother. His words where “why would I want to spend Christmas with just you two”
any advice?

Can you tell him that you and LO won’t be going to his mums and it’s his choice to go if he wants to spend Christmas without his wife and child. I know that might be easier said than done.

I think what you are planning is lovely. As I child I was always dragged around for Christmas and I hated it

I don't think this relationship can survive - he doesn't get to dictate to you that every Christmas will be spent with his parents whether you like it or not. What a fucking cheek! You need to find your anger. He's too weak and under his mother's thumb to be of any use to you as a partner.
What he said to you was really spiteful and I'd throw him back to his mother - it seems like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree!

Why can’t he go and you stay?? Life is too short to be spending time with the people you don't like .

From when we got married we declared we’d spend Christmas at home and both sets of parents were welcome to join or not, as they see fit. With little children I think it’s lovely for them to be in their own space. When I grew up our extended family was far away and I was an only child so it was often just me and my parents and it was lovely. I think you need to stand your ground, and more broadly I think you need relationship counselling. I have never been in a relationship where one partner would imagine it was ok to declare ‘this is how things are, forever’ like that so I would actually view that approach as an emergency in your relationship. This is much bigger than Christmas.

Absolutely not. We alternated initially and then when DC were old enough to understand Christmas, we stayed at home. Others could join us if they wanted, but we stayed put.

Certainly not every year with his family.

You take your child and spend it with your family or if you want to spend it at home with your child. Please do not be manipulated into going somewhere you don't want to be.

Can you not alternate like before but stay for a much shorter time?
Share the main meal and plenty of time either before or afterwards.

Or three year pattern - his fam, stay home, your fam,

You have 363 days of the year with just the three of you.

Is he usually so controlling?
He can't just make an announcement that you will spend every Christmas with his family from now on!
I'm sorry but I think your issue is with your husband not your in laws. It sounds as though he doesn't see you and your child as his family.

Having read your previous threads I think it's time you recognised that your partner is very controlling, possibly even coercive.

You're not married.
You're not on the mortgage/deeds
You're not working
He's not helping you financially
He's making decisions about you and your child
He's deciding what happens at Christmas, even though it's something that a) you've already agreed on, and b) the decision isn't one that you want

Get rid of him. Seriously.

Go back to work.

Get some self-esteem and start countering him, and making decisions that work for you.

Christmas should ideally be rotated year and year around with alternate families. (We started this but our parents get on so well we have every Xmas with both sets! 🙄‘it’s just who’s house changed each year) Either you go there or they come to you which is easier with young children however you’re on a bit of a sticky wicket with not getting on with his family but he absolutely does not get to dictate that you are seeing his family every year!! What a twat! I’d be inclined to tell him you’re going to your family again and he’s welcome to go to his family on his own!!

Oh my God

Get out now. Or every single Christmas of your child’s childhood and beyond will be ruined.

What an absolute wanker

I couldn't put it better myself.

Sadly, I suspect the OP will just keep on in this relationship but I truly hope not.

he has said we will be spending every Christmas with his family for now on

Does he think he's your boss? Tell your boyfriend he will not be dictating anything, and you will obviously not be going to his relatives. The relatives are free to visit you if they want. Don't get drawn into an argument or discussion, it's a no.

This, op doesn’t get to unilaterally decide where their child goes, for all those saying. “Refuse to let your child go” the dad can do just the same, and refuse to let her take the child to her parents, so it’s a silly game to start!

I had pils who insisted every Christmas was at theirs. We did manage to go abroad on our own one year but the guilt tripping was intense.

it wasn’t fun.

Nope. He's changed his mind. Which is fine. But he can't change your mind for you.

He can go. You and DD stay at home and have a peaceful xmas.

Oh dear, Christmas is the least of the problems then. You need a job and your own house OP, he could kick you out any time.

Absolutely this.

At the very least it should be 1 in 2 or 1 in 3 - PIL/Parents/Home etc.

A lot of people prefer to stay home once they have DC, so that they can play with their new toys etc.

he cannot just make that decision. you need to talk and reach a compromise.

I’d leave him, he has no respect for you or his child.

Tell him to get a grip. You don't actually have to be with your parents and family at Christmas, especially if they're not going to be alone. You're his family now, and he'd do well to remember and appreciate that.

Bloody Christmas!

My advice would be to tell him you're not going to spend Christmas with him ever again and he can go to his family whenever he wants! Seriously, why would you stay with someone who behaves like this?

Ignoring all the fairness and turn abouts for a moment: if he loves you and he loves his child, why is he ok with you enduring Christmas in awkwardness and animosity each year?
Bringing the fairness and turn abouts back in: if he loves you and he loves his child, why is ok with disrespecting you and your child’s family?
Answer: someone who is so comfortable in your discomfort doesn’t love you.
If you push back and he won’t compromise you have a loud and clear answer and decision to make.

wow and she is STILL asking Aibu!