AIBU to give up on having friends?

[TheFairCat]

I’m in my late 40s with two primary aged children. Both have some additional needs, the eldest has quite complex needs.

I’m someone that probably comes across as confident and chatty and good at making friends, but I’m actually very socially anxious and find maintaining friendships quite effortful.

As I’ve got older and our kids’ needs more pronounced I’ve given up on having much of a social life. This is mainly because I’m exhausted and skint, find I have little in common with many of my peers and also because my eldest really struggles to go to sleep and can only do it with me there, so evenings out aren’t really a thing.

I’ve made my peace with this and in some ways it’s almost a relief. I more than made up for it in my teens, twenties and thirties and I just don’t have the energy for the effort it requires any more.

However, having friends is still really important to me and I have built up a small group of friends with similar aged children and we often spend time together with the kids (very occasionally without). They are separate friends (not a group) that I have met over the years in a variety of places.

I feel like there has been always been a bit of a dynamic in my friendships where I make more effort than anyone else. That I am always the one to message first, suggest things to do etc. When there was a big group of us I was the ‘organiser’ etc. I often don’t notice this until I go through a bit of a rough patch and haven’t got the time/energy/bandwidth to message people and all of a sudden it dries up. I think I’m a fairly low maintenance friend on the whole. It was very painful when we first started having significant difficulties with our children and I basically didn’t see a lot of my friends for dust. Some of these people I had know for 15-20 years. I know this is a common experience but it hurts nonetheless.

I thought I had been more careful with my more recent (in the last 5-10 years) friends. Many of them have children with additional needs and I tried to be more open with them from the get go etc. Things have been pretty settled for a while now and I thought I’d found my tribe.

I’ve realised recently though, that’s it’s fallen into the same pattern. If I didn’t message them I’m not sure how long it would take them to message me, or if they even would! It’s further complicated by the fact that my daughter is keen to see their children and is asking me all
the time when we’re seeing them. When I do message them they always seem quite keen and when we meet up we have a lovely time.

I feel like I just want to give up
and become a hermit. I’m a nice person! I like a laugh and the odd glass of wine. I’m loyal and reliable and nothing much shocks me. I don’t think I’m dull or needy or overly whiny…

I want to give up, but my daughter just isn’t developmentally or socially ready to make her own friends and her opportunities are limited. So I’d be giving up for both of us and she is so sweet natured and socially motivated, that is a bit heartbreaking too!

What to do!?

I think you should crack on with contacting people when you have the energy, especially when your daughter wants to see their kids and you have a nice time together when you do get together. I think making friends in adulthood is challenging and it sounds as though you’ve done a really good job of gathering a group of good people to connect with. If they also have kids with additional needs I guess they also have their plates full, and perhaps you haven’t stumbled across anyone who has the bandwidth to be reaching out to other people. I know it’s hard, but maybe you could try to reach out a bit when you are struggling, and be honest that you are struggling. You might at least receive an empathic text even if they don’t have the spoons to offer further support.

I feel you. I’m a bit like this. I never really wait too long before contacting friends again, so maybe I’m scared to find out if they would actually contact me or not.

I don't know why you feel you have to 'give up'. I mean this kindly but you're making it more dramatic than it needs to be.

You're in a difficult patch or your life. A lot of us struggle to keep up with friends when we are juggling work, children, whatever else is going on in our lives. It is what it is, it's frustrating but its entirely normal.

Just roll with it and accept it for what it is. Keeping score of who invited whom first is just going to drive you nuts. There are perfectly sane and practical reasons why people sometimes withdraw a bit. You have to be prepared to give people a bit of flex in their lives.

Sometimes you have to let people go a bit and then come back when they're ready.

Thank you, this is good advice. I did a lot of reflecting after losing so many long term friendships when things got tough. I realised that I do have a tendency to want to be self sufficient and not be a nuisance or drain on other people, so perhaps don’t always share when things are a little bit tricky - just give the impression all is grand and life is good. Then when things got properly tricky and I really did need some support that just wasn’t the dynamic of my friendships and it felt like people didn’t want to hear it.

These friendships should be different as they were forged in difficult times and I have tried really hard not to develop that dynamic, but it seems to have happened any way.

I worry that I try too hard, or maybe over estimate how important I am to other people. I don’t want to be a bad example to my kids either. My eldest particularly is a born people pleaser. She is prone to high masking/fawning and I want her to feel able to be herself and not worry so much about what other people think of her.

I think in general there usually is an organiser, or someone who takes the lead more often than not in friendships.

If I knew someone was exhausted, skint, couldn’t do evenings or meet ups without children in tow, and had lots of separate friends to try and keep up with, in all honesty I’d probably let them take the lead on arranging meet ups too.

I’d feel like asking for your time and attention might just be taking up even more of your bandwidth. That’s not to say I wouldn’t drop the occasional ‘how are you?’ text.

You say when you do meet up with these friends it’s all good, everyone enjoys themselves, so I don’t understand why the whole ‘I just want to give up and become a hermit’ attitude. That seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

That’s the thing. I think I do give people plenty of flex. I’m honestly pretty low maintenance and don’t have very high expectations. Like I say I have a few friends that don’t know each other, so it’s not like I’m expecting weekly contact or anything. Our lives are pretty busy. I’ll just realise that it’s been weeks since I messaged someone and they haven’t thought to message me. I know that if I messaged them they would probably be up for whatever I suggested and we’d have a great time, but it’s a bit weird to have friends (for years) that you suspect may never message you again if you didn’t contact them first.

I just think that's the way it goes in mid-life. Life gets in the way and people have so little time and bandwidth.

I know from experience that sometimes friends fall away for periods of time, usually because of things going on in their own lives, but those friendships can come back.

People are very quick these days to block and delete people if they haven't put in what is considered to be an acceptable level of contact, but this can be unrealistic. I think you have to be pragmatic.

Yeah, I am feeling a bit sorry for myself and being dramatic! When I mean I want to give up I just mean I’m tired and have an awful lot on my plate and it would be really nice if someone (for once!) just messaged me with a suggestion of something to do that I didn’t have to think about.

It seems as though the fact people don’t reach out to you is causing you to have a value judgment on yourself, rather than recognising it as a reflection of their lives, personalities and friendship habits. I think you should be pleased with yourself for cultivating these friendships in the first place and - yes - go ahead and let them know when you’re struggling. There’s a big difference between telling people you’re struggling in the name of honesty and telling them you’re struggling because you need them to down tools and help you. It’s sounds as though you are quite self-sufficient so I don’t think you would be burdening them by sharing that sort of thing - you would just be letting them know you a little better.

I just wanted to say I have been feeling exactly the way you are in recent times and could have written your post. Early 40s, two kids with additional needs, kind of complex in a way no one understands and wasn't obvious for a long time so feel like no one really 'gets it'. No one wants to talk or ask about it and I feel like I'm living in some kind of alternate reality. If I go to an event I can either share the reality of all the difficult and traumatic things that are going on, which no one wants to hear and makes them retreat even more, or I have to put on a front and pretend my life isn't what it is which I find really hard.

I've been reflecting a lot lately, I came off social media in part due to this and downloaded all my photos before I did. I looked back at decades of photos of fun, freedom, so many friends and good times and travels etc, and I feel sad wondering how I got here. I know a big part of it is phase of life and everyone being busy, stressed with young kids, maybe older parents etc, but the additional needs factor definitely adds a layer of complexity. I try and find other SEN parents who 'get it' which can be amazing but also have to be careful it doesn't become all about talking about the kids needs etc. Great to have someone who talks the language and a judgment free zone though. I would just love to have a callback to my old life (I also no longer work which adds to the isolation/lack of adult contact).

I don't have much advice but just wanted to say I feel you and I'm trying to figure it out too. Feel free to message directly if you like!

I think it's very common in groups / friendships for one person to take on the social secretary role and for others to be much more passive. You taking on the role is probably one of the reasons your friends like you. Can understand why you want others to sometimes take the initiative though.

I think it is easy for people who haven’t developed this pattern with friends to say ‘oh everyone is busy and that’s just life etc’ but it does sting quite a bit when it is a pattern that is repeated throughout all your relationships. I’ve had the exact same experiences as the OP, particularly in relation to having an ASN child, and had several friends disappear. I’ve had one really close friend completely drop contact when I stopped being able to support her emotionally and practically (because I was going through so much at home) and even though I’ve ’been vulnerable’ and said I’m struggling- they have not stepped up.

I completely understand OP. It is exhausting to be the one constantly maintaining.

I have decided to just let people go if it feels like I have to do all the work, because I just don’t have the energy. However, I do chase up play dates for my child and don’t mind being the pro active one with that because I see it as separate. Maybe you could view it that way?

FWIW I think you come across as someone who would be a good friend. But maybe that isn’t coming across in real life because you haven’t articulated it as well as you have here? Also I would never try and meet up with people because I was shy and naturally quite introverted, but I was absolutely in the market for good friends. I just didn’t want to be the instigator as I’d assume everyone would be busy or whatever. There was a fear of rejection.

Now my children are grown up I have lots of new friends and old. I made a conscious effort to be present. In fact I just went for coffee this afternoon with a woman I met at the gym a year ago. We talked non stop for two hours.

One thing I would advise is to not get hung up on friends being the same kind of age as you. I’ve got close friends who are at least 15 years younger or older than me (I’m 50).

You can do it. Keep at it.

Friends can be hard work.

I gave up and had about two years of literally no one contacting me. Then they all started crawling out of the woodwork, wanting a coffee, a walk, dinner etc. These days I am almost entirely passive and wait for others to contact me. I had my fill of chasing friends. Very occasionally I initiate, such as when I am working away from home in a town where I have friends I rarely see. Otherwise, I've been a hermit. But I am feeling restless and ready to make more effort again soon. It comes in waves.

I agree about age. One of my closest friends locally is much younger than me. But we just click.

Yes, that’s exactly it. Exactly how I feel. I’ve always had to be very pro active with play dates etc for my eldest as her social opportunities are limited, but she really wants friends (which is very hard to manage!)

She can’t really manage drop off play dates and needs me to be close by as communication can be really tough for her. So my friends have ended up being the parents of her friends and kind of vice versa. To be honest it kind of feels like a double rejection as the kids seem very pleased to see her etc but obviously aren’t pestering their parents to get in touch!

If it was just me I would probably just wait and see if they get in touch, but I feel I can’t do that because it’s her friends too.

It does hurt my feelings that my friendships might just disappear if I wasn’t making a conscious one sided effort to keep them going. It breaks my heart that the same might be the case for my child.

I know what you mean and because of your own experiences with friends it becomes difficult not to project onto DD. I do it too and I feel like I’m having anxiety for both my own and my dd’s friendships. Are you ND too? I recognise a lot of your thought patterns. I am ND and I ruminate a lot but also get really invested in my friends and care about them a lot. I find it so hard to let go even when it’s obvious they aren’t that bothered. It’s annoying! I also spend a lot of time wondering what I’ve done wrong and why they don’t want to invest in the friendship with me in the same way.I also think I’m relaxed and don’t expect too much out of people, like you said, but it’s like the expectation of a friend getting in touch every couple months or at all becomes somehow unmanageable !

I think at some point last year I made a decision not to try and be friends with my child’s friend’s parents (as I was feeling rejected that they didn’t seem interested in me) and so now I’m trying not to get too invested as it feels like too much for me and maybe like I’m underestimating her and getting too involved.

I understand in your situation that the set up is different but maybe you could do what a pp said and just reach out when you have the energy but also be open to new friendships for your dd too. Have you tried brownies for her?

This is definitely me, all of it. The whole pattern repeating itself. Knowing that I’m actually a good and loyal friend but the one that puts in more effort and now I’m just down. I’m also mid forties, two kids (not sen). I was the one always there for people, capable, good at listening and advice but now I’m exhausted. I stepped back as had nothing left and vaguely hoped someone would contact me, initiate and show an interest in my life changes, none of them did. Instead they got offended that I wasn’t messaging them or organising stuff anymore and now I can’t be bothered.
i have other friends that I can dip in and out of so no problem there but there is definitely a pattern in my life.
Honestly all I want now is to hangout with my husband and kids.

Just because you've created this dynamic doesn't mean you can't challenge it a bit.
Pick the friend who is easiest to share with. Have a heart to heart about how you're feeling - ask how you come across generally. Sometimes people don't know whole sides of us, because we haven't given them a chance to.

Then are they friends? So. Any of the 'friends' threads on Mumsnet seem to be written by posters who clearly cannot stand their 'friend'

Are you me?!

I have a very similar issue. Things were going well when my children were young, but as my older childs extra needs because more apparent it got harder. Then I got divorced and it was almost like people thought it was contagious or something and all invitations dried up completely for a good while.

I don't have one friendship group - like you its a scattering of individual friends. I think that makes it harder as there isn't a group ti bounce plans off or to share the load organising. I do miss spending time with other couples but that's out now.

I have found it is slightly better now things are more settled with my kids etc. I think peolle find it awkward to discuss or think about situations they imagine are hard (even if you aren't trying to talk about e.g. disability issues or divorce issues it does come up naturally and can make people feel uncomfortable).

Also I'm diagnosed ADHD and would place good momey on being autistic too.

Seems like there’s a few of us in this situation!

So you're feeling undervalued? That's fair.

But, bottom line is if you and your DC enjoy these days out, keep arranging them until there is a day you don't enjoy them anymore. That's all there is to it really because your friends are not going to give you more. People come and go in our lives, throughout our lives.

But you’re the one contacting them because you want more contact than they do. You’re both doing what you want.