I’m in my late 40s with two primary aged children. Both have some additional needs, the eldest has quite complex needs.
I’m someone that probably comes across as confident and chatty and good at making friends, but I’m actually very socially anxious and find maintaining friendships quite effortful.
As I’ve got older and our kids’ needs more pronounced I’ve given up on having much of a social life. This is mainly because I’m exhausted and skint, find I have little in common with many of my peers and also because my eldest really struggles to go to sleep and can only do it with me there, so evenings out aren’t really a thing.
I’ve made my peace with this and in some ways it’s almost a relief. I more than made up for it in my teens, twenties and thirties and I just don’t have the energy for the effort it requires any more.
However, having friends is still really important to me and I have built up a small group of friends with similar aged children and we often spend time together with the kids (very occasionally without). They are separate friends (not a group) that I have met over the years in a variety of places.
I feel like there has been always been a bit of a dynamic in my friendships where I make more effort than anyone else. That I am always the one to message first, suggest things to do etc. When there was a big group of us I was the ‘organiser’ etc. I often don’t notice this until I go through a bit of a rough patch and haven’t got the time/energy/bandwidth to message people and all of a sudden it dries up. I think I’m a fairly low maintenance friend on the whole. It was very painful when we first started having significant difficulties with our children and I basically didn’t see a lot of my friends for dust. Some of these people I had know for 15-20 years. I know this is a common experience but it hurts nonetheless.
I thought I had been more careful with my more recent (in the last 5-10 years) friends. Many of them have children with additional needs and I tried to be more open with them from the get go etc. Things have been pretty settled for a while now and I thought I’d found my tribe.
I’ve realised recently though, that’s it’s fallen into the same pattern. If I didn’t message them I’m not sure how long it would take them to message me, or if they even would! It’s further complicated by the fact that my daughter is keen to see their children and is asking me all
the time when we’re seeing them. When I do message them they always seem quite keen and when we meet up we have a lovely time.
I feel like I just want to give up
and become a hermit. I’m a nice person! I like a laugh and the odd glass of wine. I’m loyal and reliable and nothing much shocks me. I don’t think I’m dull or needy or overly whiny…
I want to give up, but my daughter just isn’t developmentally or socially ready to make her own friends and her opportunities are limited. So I’d be giving up for both of us and she is so sweet natured and socially motivated, that is a bit heartbreaking too!
What to do!?