AIBU to ask people with similar finances ..

[AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere]

This might be a bit nosy, but trying to work out if I am not doing as well with my money as I should or people are either earning a lot more or just in more debt.
Firstly I am not complaining, I know there will be people in worst situations and I am lucky to not be struggling but...
My household income after tax, insurance and pension is about £43000 (that is combination of my wage and what kids dad, whom I am currently separated from, pays towards kids and house we still own jointly)
Monthly bills add up to £28500 a year (that does include £300 a month of extra curriculars and £100 of savings...but the savings always end up been spent on Christmas, birthdays and school holidays, so aren't accumulating)
That leaves £280 a week for food, petrol, clothes, uniforms, toiletries, days out etc (1 adult 2 kids)

No streaming services, no takeout coffees, very rare I buy lunch to go, have takeaways or eat out. No nails or getting hair done regularly.

The thing that has got me pondering is cars and holidays....I know a few families where mum is earning around 12-16000 part time around kids and I don't know what dads are on...but they all have 2 newish cars and multiple holidays abroad a year (nice ones, including in school holidays, not budget) now like I said we are not going without day to day, but definitely can't save thousands for those extras.

So I am just curious, those with a household take-home pay around 40-45000 are you affording those things? Do you have credit card debt?
(I have no debt, but £200,000 mortgage) Other than a much stricter food budget and less activities for the kids, I don't think I can save anything more... definitely not the 1000's for cars and holidays. Does anyone manage it on that budget, where do you cut back? or do I just assume the dad in those families have a larger budget than 30,000 takehome pay?

Unreasonable...you could afford those things if you were stricter with your budget
Not unreasonable...those doing that must have bigger incomes.

£280 a week left over for food / petrol/clothes etc is just over £1k per month. Have you analysed what you are spending it on? I did similar and found a few culprits which I cracked down on which were costing a couple of hundred pounds a month.. I do earn more than you and only one kid but almost a teenager so v expensive.

edited to say also a single parent

Also don’t concern yourself with your peers - two incomes makes it easier to afford stuff - you also don’t know their financial situation- perhaps no mortgage/ rent - whacking it all on credit cards or have an inheritance.

I don't think it is helpful to see what others are doing without having any details about their incomes and other circumstances. They could be spending their inheritance, have much bigger earnings, grandparents could be paying for holidays. A new car to them does not mean a brand new car from the dealer. etc. etc. Not to mention that 45k split between two people results in lower tax contribution.
I am on 52k, childless and can't afford a luxury holiday every year because I want to enjoy my life every day not just two weeks a year and, where possible, overpay my mortgage. So holiday is not my priority at the moment.

Op, two earning parents are usually going to bring in a lot more, and the simple fact is these people just earn more, you’ve 3 people living on one salary basically.

don’t compare yourself, you’re doing well and don’t be jealous either,

If you have no debt and a £200k mortgage, I think you are doing brilliantly.

Some people will have more income

Some will have much lower bills (eg lower/no mortgage, perhaps due to inheritance)

Some will be in debt

Some will have holidays and other extras paid for by grandparents etc

Some will spend a lot less day to day to afford holidays and cars

For many it will be combinations of bits of the above.

To pull a couple of points out of your post:

Monthly bills add up to £28500 a year (that does include £300 a month of extra curriculars and £100 of savings...but the savings always end up been spent on Christmas, birthdays and school holidays, so aren't accumulating)

Are you properly accounting for all your annual and irregular essentials and other planned expenditure in the £28.5k or does it end up coming out of the rest? Because that can make a significant difference and it could be that you're spending quite a bit on car expenses - insurance etc.

That leaves £280 a week for food, petrol, clothes, uniforms, toiletries, days out etc (1 adult 2 kids)

Depending on how much you spend on petrol, if you really do have £280 pw for those things, you could probably spend quite a bit less, given you could probably do groceries quite well for about £100 pw. If you could save £50 pw earmarked for a holiday, that's £2600 per year, which would definitely get you a summer week in the Med and possibly a weekend away at another time of year if you're happy to be thrifty about both, eg self catering with limited eating out and having easy food from the supermarket instead, mid range rather than high end accommodation, looking for deals on flights, hand luggage only, just spending most of the time at the beach rather than expensive theme parks etc.

Have you gone through what you actually spend to see if you can free up more money for things like holidays?

Some people get a surprising amount of financial support from their parents/children's grandparents.
For example, I know a few families where the annual holiday is paid for in this way.

I did add up all my spends when we first separated in order to budget and cut out a few things (had got into habit of picking up a Greggs for us all after work on a Saturday morning and buying bacon baps when we go for a walk on a Sunday etc. Also had been buying prep meals to try and be healthy and lose some weight, but stopped all that)
I could probably still do a bit better with food spends...but nothing drastic I don't think and son and I are both ND so quite picky) and already don't do any of the obvious bits people usually suggest to cut back on, as mentioned with coffee/streaming nails etc) I could also maybe be a bit tighter with what I spend on kids clothes, treat days etc...but again it's still nothing extravagant that's gonna save hundreds, more £20 here and there.

I am genuinely not jealous in any big way and truly appreciate I am more comfortable than many in current economy. Just seeing everyone flirting off on holiday and thinking am I just poorer or am I going wrong somewhere! 😆😭. Definitely also could do with upgrading the car before everything starts going wrong, already had a few jobs need doing 😅. Like I said, the mums aren't big earners by a long stretch, but the dads could be earning buckets for all I know.

@AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere
This

if the Dad is on the same as you as the main earner and the Mum is on 16k PT
They have approx 1.5K per month more to spend on holidays and cars
Am I missing something ?

I recently overhauled my finances as I just moved home and was surprised at just how much money I was frittering away - I reviewed my last three months bank statements and now every quid has a purpose - including a fun money budget cos life is too short!

If holidays are important it’s easy to do it cheaply - we do supermarket picnics most of the time and find a location by the beach. Plan well in advance for good flight prices. Alternatively we do camping trips pretty often - expensive to get the kit but then not expensive to do for a few days.

Honestly though - you are doing fine by the sounds of it - don’t compare yourself to two income families of course their income is higher

I've answered some of this is reply to someone else.
I do have a pretty clear list of bill for whole year that include yearly ones like MOT& service and car tax (that usually covers all of it, though needed a new clutch this year, so had to take extra out of savings) and I have separate bills and spending account to keep bill money seperate. Obviously the occasional thing comes up like needing a new phone or this year my dishwasher died. As long as it isn't straight after a kids birthday/Christmas or summer holidays, there is usually part of the amount in savings at least.

it's expensive to live on your own - only a 25% reduction in council tax and all other utilities, wifi, mortgage/rent, subscriptions etc are only coming out of one pay cheque but are barely any cheaper than if it was split between 2 adults.

This, and also if you dont know what the dads earn OP they could be on well more. There are loads of jobs where there's a big potential money range.

Yes, I know you are right, that's why I wanted to hear from people with a similar budget to mine, to see if they were managing these things and if they are....by what magic! Haha.

Where are you seeing them on holiday? Instagram? It really is the thief of joy. Best thing I ever did was delete my account on there.

By "essentials" budget:
Take home pay 3500 (42k / yr)
Mortgage 600
Factors 55
Contents insurance 7
Boiler cover 27.56
Council tax 213.0
Broadband / TV 46
TV license 14.54
Mobile 30
Gas & elec 90
Car tax 17
Car insurance 20.83
Car service & MOT 16.67
Life insurance 23.38
Other insurance 65.17
ISA, Savings & premium bonds 530
Amazon Prime 8.99
Gym 98
Total outgoing 1863.14
Leftover 1636.86

TLDR: Low mortgage, no kids, old car that's paid for.

Yeah, and holidays are one of those things that can vary wildly in cost too. Lots of ways to do it cheaper.

People might be staying with someone they know, or house swapping. They could be using air miles or loyalty points. Tesco clubcard do 2 x points on Easyjet packages for example. You wouldn't know about any of this unless someone specifically told you. And unless you've seen the exact accommodation or resort, they may be staying somewhere cheaper.

Also I think some people are just a lot cheaper to feed on holiday than others too! Eg Family A has a 10 year old who loses their appetite in the sun and will just pick at lollies and sandwiches, Family B has a 10 year old who wants to eat off the adult menu. That difference could be hundreds over a week.

This is where my mortgage is the kicker I think. As the rest of my budget is slightly less than yours but mortgage is £1275. I have looked at downsizing, but financially I won't really be better off as, the difference is what the ex is still paying (this is where I know I am lucky compared to many single mum as he is still paying half, with no pressure to sell as he currently doesn't need to buy/rent) but if I reduce mortgage by £600...he will reduce payments by £600)
I may have slightly lower bill and council tax...but not significantly.

They are school mums I am reasonably close to, have play dates etc, but not close enough to know more about their other halves/finances. I barely go on Instagram, we are in our 40's so still on FB 😆
I totally get why I might sound jealous, (and I am a little, who doesn't love a holiday, but honestly not in a big way that's making me bitter or anything) it's more than it has me wondering about my own finances and whether I could do better.

How do you take home £3500 on £42k per year? Is that before tax??

You don't have any tax and ni? Take home pay of 42k is around £2800 per month.

Those people either have debt, parents who pay for holidays, higher wages or smaller mortgages.
Honestly life is so expensive these days and that is quite a big mortgage to be servicing on your wage. When our mortgage was that size we had more than double that amount coming in and it still felt like too much so we moved to a cheaper part of the country.
I do think you may have flex in the £280 / week, depending how high your petrol costs are though.

read the first post, it says £43 after tax etc!

That’s after tax, as per the OP