What on earth do I do

[saminamama]

My husband and I have had a happy marriage until I was pregnant with our first, at which point he became a bit shouty but nothing terrible until we moved house, then literally on the day we moved he was really shouty and rude in front of everyone including my parents and the moving people. This is because I told them to put the boxes in a different room to what he originally wanted them to go in so went into a melt down. Moving day is stressful, things happen, we moved on,

fast forward to after a stressful day at work for him and us packing for holiday again another melt down. shouting the c word in the airport in front of everyone we were going on the plane at because SIL had all the passports in her bag, basically if any plan is carried out in a different way to what he specifically wants he ends up shouting and swearing

his voice is loud and intimidating.
i said something stupid and a few months ago he went into the bathroom and was a bit slammy with the doors and he makes fists at me from time to time although has never hit me. He grits and seethes through his teeth. We are going through a stressful time he has been made redundant with the payout running out and we have 2 small children so it’s not ideal to say the very least

i know I’m going to have to leave him. despite all of the above love him dearly. I suspect neurodivergence (he’s dyslexic, but I suspect autism) as changes in plans or processes seem to make him react as well as certain noises,

I really don’t want to leave, but I said to him yesterday the final straw has happened (he shouted the c word in front of our little girl because he was struggling to get a car seat out of a car, his voice is very loud). I’ve been dreaming we got divorced all the time, and people who love me being relieved in my dream that I’m away from him.

how am I going to leave, how am I going to afford life on my own. What do I do and what is the process. Why do I still love him after all this.

Sounds like extreme stress is a trigger for him - could be due to neurodiversity but the 'why' doesn't really matter because it's not acceptable.

Does he realise it's not acceptable and does he see how harmful that behaviour is?

It's no wonder you need to leave him, but if he is going to still have contact with your daughter then he needs to sort this out.

He cannot act like an overgrown toddler having a meltdown. I bet he controls himself at work.

Some people need to feel in control of their surroundings, what is happening and how its happening.

Personally I need to know exactly where I am, what to expect to happen that day and what the time is...always. If we travel i need to have looked at the route and my wife will keep track of where we are on a map if I am driving. I know why I feel that way and how to deal with it. But I worked with a guy who got extremely anxious if he didn't know exactly what was going to happen next. He left the job because he couldn't cope with it.

It seems your husband is like that and stressful situations bring out the worst in him. He should have developed coping strategies, but it can be extremely frustrating if you have everything mapped out and there's a change. I was really annoyed this weekend as we had a new TV and my wife put away the leads to the old one not realising they were needed. I realised I was being a dick by getting angry and texted her (she was out) to remind me to ask for them when she came home...I then made myself do something else....but the stress of change of plans over something stupid could have spilt over if I wasn't aware of myself

I think you need to talk to your husband about how it makes you feel when he's like that and that he perhaps needs to think about what triggers these responses.

Can you go to your family and tell them everything. See sa solicitor. 1st hour usually free and you may be eligible for legal aid. Sell the house. Downsize temporarily.
You deserve better and so do your children.