What on earth do I do

[saminamama]

My husband and I have had a happy marriage until I was pregnant with our first, at which point he became a bit shouty but nothing terrible until we moved house, then literally on the day we moved he was really shouty and rude in front of everyone including my parents and the moving people. This is because I told them to put the boxes in a different room to what he originally wanted them to go in so went into a melt down. Moving day is stressful, things happen, we moved on,

fast forward to after a stressful day at work for him and us packing for holiday again another melt down. shouting the c word in the airport in front of everyone we were going on the plane at because SIL had all the passports in her bag, basically if any plan is carried out in a different way to what he specifically wants he ends up shouting and swearing

his voice is loud and intimidating.
i said something stupid and a few months ago he went into the bathroom and was a bit slammy with the doors and he makes fists at me from time to time although has never hit me. He grits and seethes through his teeth. We are going through a stressful time he has been made redundant with the payout running out and we have 2 small children so it’s not ideal to say the very least

i know I’m going to have to leave him. despite all of the above love him dearly. I suspect neurodivergence (he’s dyslexic, but I suspect autism) as changes in plans or processes seem to make him react as well as certain noises,

I really don’t want to leave, but I said to him yesterday the final straw has happened (he shouted the c word in front of our little girl because he was struggling to get a car seat out of a car, his voice is very loud). I’ve been dreaming we got divorced all the time, and people who love me being relieved in my dream that I’m away from him.

how am I going to leave, how am I going to afford life on my own. What do I do and what is the process. Why do I still love him after all this.

Sounds like extreme stress is a trigger for him - could be due to neurodiversity but the 'why' doesn't really matter because it's not acceptable.

Does he realise it's not acceptable and does he see how harmful that behaviour is?

It's no wonder you need to leave him, but if he is going to still have contact with your daughter then he needs to sort this out.

He cannot act like an overgrown toddler having a meltdown. I bet he controls himself at work.

Some people need to feel in control of their surroundings, what is happening and how its happening.

Personally I need to know exactly where I am, what to expect to happen that day and what the time is...always. If we travel i need to have looked at the route and my wife will keep track of where we are on a map if I am driving. I know why I feel that way and how to deal with it. But I worked with a guy who got extremely anxious if he didn't know exactly what was going to happen next. He left the job because he couldn't cope with it.

It seems your husband is like that and stressful situations bring out the worst in him. He should have developed coping strategies, but it can be extremely frustrating if you have everything mapped out and there's a change. I was really annoyed this weekend as we had a new TV and my wife put away the leads to the old one not realising they were needed. I realised I was being a dick by getting angry and texted her (she was out) to remind me to ask for them when she came home...I then made myself do something else....but the stress of change of plans over something stupid could have spilt over if I wasn't aware of myself

I think you need to talk to your husband about how it makes you feel when he's like that and that he perhaps needs to think about what triggers these responses.

Can you go to your family and tell them everything. See sa solicitor. 1st hour usually free and you may be eligible for legal aid. Sell the house. Downsize temporarily.
You deserve better and so do your children.

Do you have a job? How old are the kids? Do you have local family for support?

Even if ND that isn't an excuse. He needs to either get a diagnosis so that you know this is relevant but seek help for his anger issues regardless.

Domestic abuse starting during pregnancy is absolutely textbook, unfortunately. Contact Women's Aid https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/womens-aid-directory/ and ignore anyone who reckons you need to help him understand how yelling "cunt" at you in front of your daughter might make you feel.

I think counselling might be needed first. Maybe as a couple or maybe just for him. Dh shouts a lot and loses his temper easily, we've been through a lot. Usually it's not aimed at me and it's not abusive shouting it's just silly ranting but I find it extremely distressing. An example might be shouting in the car at a driver who has long since sped away. He has had anger management counselling to find other strategies and it really helped. I also have zero consequences, like I've told him if you raise your voice today before we go to your parents I will turn around and go back home and you can tell them why. I have walked away a few times in public when he shouts or i have warned him when I see he is getting stressed that this better not escalate. He still sometimes does it and then apologises to everyone but it's not good enough. We are still working through it and I admit it still impacts me but a lot of that is a lingering anger about things that happened in the past. For example if he lost his temper once in a train station, i get anxious in train stations and quietly resent him until we leave that environmen. I cant help it and if he complains that i am uptight or not talking i tell him why. He understands the damage he has done and that it will take a long time to repair. Its not perfect but with the right help your DH may he able to turn this around and stop this. All hope isn't lost it's just a matter of whether you are prepared to tolerate the long process. If he is saying nasty things, and being abusive outside the shouting moments then that's a different issue IMO and much more serious.

He can do all that once OP leaves him.

She also needs love and kindness and she's not getting that from her abusive husband.

What you permit you promote. Just a note to say you are doing the right thing. I had amazingly close friends I thought were my family but he was like your husband. It was all kept a bit under the radar until he turned around and had a go at a ten year old. That's abuse. We don't see them any more because he is convinced he is in the right to do what he does (abuse people) and his wife won't set boundaries as she is terrified of being on her own. I feel sorry for the children. People with a problem who don't mean any harm also need to be extremely sorry when they cause harm and seek help. Not doing anything is expecting everyone else to absorb the damage.

It's not acceptable to raise his fists to you.

My DH can erupt into swearing and stomping around if things don't go to plan. I suspect a lot of it is to do with his childhood and family dynamics. He was often cast as "the useless one" and now he feels like he is stupid or at fault if things don't go as planned.

I told him very early on that he can choose how to react to these situations, but I can also choose how I react to his reactions. I made it clear I didn't like the eruptions and that I would leave the room. To start with that wound him up all the more, but eventually he did see that his reactions were OTT and he has reigned it in.

It does sound like your DH lacks a coping strategy and that life is currently very stressful.

Could you have a discussion with him around why he overreacts the way he does and working out strategies for him - and you - in future?

He isn't working, so he has the time to do this and a trip to the GP to get a referral for an ASD assessment might be a starting point, and even if he just goes on a waiting list they can point him to other organisations who he can contact and who will offer advice and support with managing emotions.

But you also need to make it clear that what he is doing now isn't acceptable and if he doesn't make the effort to get it under control then you will have to do what you think is best for you and your children.

Unacceptable behaviour. The c word is a massive red flag. You should sit him down and tell him he needs therapy or counselling and if there's no improvement in 6 months you are leaving. My ex was as you describe. I found myself on high alert all the time, making sure situations didn't happen that would make him cross,walking on eggshells. That's no way to live.

Or... SHE can be the 'leader of the family' and get her children to a home where no one is shouting 'cunt' at their mother in front of them.

In practical terms of what you need to do.

Tell people in real life. You will need their support.
Get details of finances - do you have a mortgage or do you rent? Can you afford the place on your own?
Go onto https://www.entitledto.co.uk/ to see what benefits you are eligible for as a single mum.
Have someone look after you kids and sit down with him and discuss the separation. In public if you feel it would be unsafe at home.
If you ever feel unsafe (clenched fists included) then call the police.

He's abusive and you need to leave, yes. It's escalating, and is likely to continue to escalate if you don't leave. It will effect your dc.

I'm sorry, you don't deserve this.

Yes, you’re absolutely right, you do need to leave him.

He started being abusive during your first pregnancy - textbook abuser, right there - and is an aggressive, shouting, verbally abusive man who can’t control his angry tantrums.

He can go to “Christian’s men’s group” or counselling by himself, when he’s safely away from you the your DC. He’s not your toddler. You’re not responsible for helping him learn how to manage his “big feelings” and moods. It’s crazy that people are suggesting you try to fix him. He can’t be “fixed” by anyone other than himself doing an awful lot of hard work around why he behaves as he does. And funnily enough, I wouldn’t expect an aggressive man, who grits his teeth and clenches his fists at his wife and young children in temper, will be very receptive to suggestions he put the work in to better understand himself and make changes.

Getting away from his damaging behaviour is the most important thing for - it’s a toxic environment for DC to grow up in. Practical things - do you have a job? Can you stay for longer with your parents in Spain, while you sort things out/make plans? Tell your parents exactly what he is like and how he behaviour makes you feel - don’t feel like you have to cover it up or protect him.

The op doesn't have "years and years" to tolerate abuse in the hope it will get better.

I don't think anyone intended for leadership screams "cunt" in people's faces when faced with a mild inconvenience tbh.

It doesn't really matter whether nd is a factor here. It still doesn't justify abuse. It won't reduce the trauma to the op or the lifelong impact to their dc of living in a family where abuse is normalised.

Also, unless he's also screaming "cunt" and making threatening gestures at work, I suspect he can control this. He just chooses not to.

It's his issue to solve. OP you have decided you won't accept any more of this for you or your children, and you are right in that decision.

However given how volatile and unrepentant he is, moving yourself and your children away from him could well make him feel entitled to behave even worse. For that reason you should probably seek advice from a domestic abuse charity or support service.

His family obviously know what he's like. Would they support him (and while backing you) when you separate?

It's the right decision to leave him, his behaviour is unacceptable - he should get counselling, sort himself out but you don't have to hang around hoping he might improve

Contact Women's Aid and/or Citizens' Advice to make a plan for moving out. You can do it, you just need to make sure you get fully clued up about your entitlement to support from your STBX, rights in relation to the house, benefits etc.

What you’re describing (threatening and intimidating behaviour) is domestic abuse so you’re right to want to protect your children from that. As a starting point I’d contact a local domestic abuse service to see what support they can offer. They’ll at least be able to offer you emotional and safety support with leaving (as the risk increases when you try to leave) and in the longer term education about how you can protect yourself from further abuse. They can also offer advice about managing his contact with the children, which probably shouldn’t be unsupervised immediately if he’s about to be under a lot of stress from the separation and he can’t protect the children from his inappropriate behaviour when he’s stressed.

In terms of the practicalities the ideal is that you keep the home, given that you’ll have the children more. Do you rent or own? Is there family he can stay with? If he refuses to move you should seek legal advice and should qualify for legal aid because of the abuse. It helps that you have witnesses to the abuse.

This man is going to hurt you. Please get yourself somewhere safe. 💐

Please get your daughter and yourself away from him.
Neurodivergence is never an excuse for abusive behaviour.

He sounds like my BIL, who eventually developed a drink problem and SIL got the family to intervene and send him to rehab before she felt she was in a safe enough position to leave him.

it started off being a bit shouty when things don’t go his way, it continued to screaming in the children’s faces, grabbing one child by the pyjamas so roughly and shoving him that he ripped the pyjamas. He also picked another child up by her clothes during a tantrum and dropped her (accidentally) and she popped her nose on the tiled floor. He would keep SIL in a room, standing in front of the door to stop her leaving and badger her until she eventually agreed with whatever he was saying.

please leave him, for you and your children’s happiness

I think its important you leave him. Try not to be influenced by it could be this, it could be that. Because when a man is abusing you and escalating, the why is of little importance. Its the what that matters.
The why may come into play later if he recognises he has issues and seeks help to control himself. But this isn't something you need to stick around for. He can do this without you, then you can see where you are.
Staying often prevents this process so is rarely the right thing to do.
If I were you I'd start with a conversation with one of the people in your life you say would be pleased if you left him. Just get it out there and say the words. You have people who care for you so you won't have to manage this alone.