What on earth do I do

[saminamama]

My husband and I have had a happy marriage until I was pregnant with our first, at which point he became a bit shouty but nothing terrible until we moved house, then literally on the day we moved he was really shouty and rude in front of everyone including my parents and the moving people. This is because I told them to put the boxes in a different room to what he originally wanted them to go in so went into a melt down. Moving day is stressful, things happen, we moved on,

fast forward to after a stressful day at work for him and us packing for holiday again another melt down. shouting the c word in the airport in front of everyone we were going on the plane at because SIL had all the passports in her bag, basically if any plan is carried out in a different way to what he specifically wants he ends up shouting and swearing

his voice is loud and intimidating.
i said something stupid and a few months ago he went into the bathroom and was a bit slammy with the doors and he makes fists at me from time to time although has never hit me. He grits and seethes through his teeth. We are going through a stressful time he has been made redundant with the payout running out and we have 2 small children so it’s not ideal to say the very least

i know I’m going to have to leave him. despite all of the above love him dearly. I suspect neurodivergence (he’s dyslexic, but I suspect autism) as changes in plans or processes seem to make him react as well as certain noises,

I really don’t want to leave, but I said to him yesterday the final straw has happened (he shouted the c word in front of our little girl because he was struggling to get a car seat out of a car, his voice is very loud). I’ve been dreaming we got divorced all the time, and people who love me being relieved in my dream that I’m away from him.

how am I going to leave, how am I going to afford life on my own. What do I do and what is the process. Why do I still love him after all this.

Whatever is behind this, you need to leave.
That's a fact.
I am sick to the back teeth of autism being used as an excuse for this.
It's not even true anyway as I've met some gentle, mild-mannered autistic men.

There's plenty of help available. Women's Aid, for example.

It sometimes helps to think of an image of how good life will be when he's out of it.
That'll help the daunting thoughts seem easier.
Imagine yourself sitting in your own place bathed in peace and not having to walk on eggshells.
Maybe that will help.
Not jumping out of your skin at a slammed door.

He's a c*, OP.
He will always be one.

Best of luck to you.

Wonder if he goes around making fists and shouting expletives at men or if it’s just the women in his life that are deserving of such attention. I already know the answer.

These men who ‘can’t help it’ certainly seem able to keep a lid on it everywhere else.

Agree op.
who gives a crap if he is ND. He’s an adult and needs to behave like one.
He was abusive and loud in front of your parents and the public at the airport. In his head no one stopped him, so no one will. It’s ramping up and you need to leave. Speak to your parents and go to them if you can.

Regardless of the reason, it is abuse. It affects you and now he's turning it on your child. You can't allow that or you will become complicit in his abuse.

Do you jointly own the house? He should leave really to avoid his child having to move out of her home. But if he won't go, you must. Go to family for now.

He will fight me tooth and nail for custody of the children that I do know

I bet you don't shout cunt or call people that do you? I bet you have some control of yourself. This man needs to for sure!

One day he'll act up in front of a built like the proverbial fit young guy who's having a bad day and in no mood for his tantrums.

I wouldn't intervene.

Oh good grief! - you can't be serious!

The alternative is staying with him and them being brought up with an abusive father.

I would start recording the incidents. List the ones that have already happened and maybe get written statements from family members that have witnessed them? (Ready for custody hearings). It sounds as if he isn't capable of looking after his own children 50% of the time (which is the most he could possibly get).

Get ahead of that. Ring children’s services for advice on ending the relationship and tell the children’s educational settings what is happening at home so they can keep an eye on the kids and offer any additional support needed. You need a paper trail which evidences you’re the protective parent. Also start a diary/log of concerning behaviour. Google power and control wheel duluth and that will give you an idea of what behaviours to record.

Posts like this make me very annoyed.
What's the point of them?

Who cares why he does what he does?
It's what he does that matters!

Yet another post suggesting a woman set herself on fire to keep an (abusive) man warm.
Or mother them and creep around them not to set them off and be understanding.
Boils my piss.

Written by a man, incidentally. (unless the writer is a lesbian married to another woman in which case I apologise.)

Why the actual fuck have you brought religion into this?

If everyone on MN that claims tobe ND and all the children and partners who are cllaimed to be ND are, then neurodiversity is more common than being neuro typical, in the end whatever it is making him shout and swear so lodly and bulying he has t get on top of because it is not acceptable- and living with someone like this is wearing, even if you still have feelings for him if he does not make an effort to stop doing this he will finish up alone, and he needs to recognise that.

My post was deleted. But how does anybody get better without support? And who is in the prime position to support someone with mental health problems than the spouse? Actually mental health is statistically improved when family co-operate to work with the affected person/and itself by seeking professional help. Boundaries are critical.
I agree with, and add to, another replier that said talk to people about him and get support. Its wonderfully freeing.
I encourage you strategise very seriously right now. Googling your situation concerning domestic abuse will bring up lots of helpful websites and a few pointless ones. Try and find what rings true for you and write down key points on ur phone. Also diarise. This is also helpful for if you choose to divorce. Or if you ever need to point out the facts to him.
DC, you must already realise, will suffer the consequences of staying together or leaving. Everyone notices how badly children react when parents argue and the man leaves.
in one of the domestic abuse websites it talks about 'what if she decides to stay' and it deals with the HIGHLY complex situation and people are called to love HER and listen and help in whatever decision she makes, even though it might be 'heartbreaking' or frustrating for them. But guess what? Its your life and your children and you will do your very best to give them the best, no doubt. Also you mentioned about loving him.
Deciding to stay or leave is in the fore of your thinking so I was trying to post as a if you decide to stay even for a short while.
i think its highly judgmental for the organisers to delete my post as someone who has been there and done that. They are silencing a woman. How feminist of them. My family are my number one and I am trying to help my DH to heal so he can be all he can be for all of us.
Loving him requires very serious well thought through boundaries as you navigate this serious situation.

Hear hear. I am so tired of neurodiversity being used as a cover story to justify staying with abusive arseholes.

@Constitutionalethicallawful

You say Loving him requires very serious well thought through boundaries

You realise this is ridiculous, don't you?

The onus is not on a wife to support an abusive husband, the onus is on the husband not to be abusive in the first place.

Me too. As an ND person I find it insulting too, to blame abusive behaviour on being ND is nothing short of mockery. That's on the person, not being ND. I agree with you 100%.

Contact women’s aid for help!! He isn’t neurodivergent he’s abusive!!!

@saminamama you need to speak to him and tell him you've had enough of his outbursts and next time he loses control like that you will be leaving him.

He needs to seek therapy if he cannot cope.

Is this only post kids?

Record carefully all the incidents.
Contact Women's aid.
Tell your GP.
Tell your family and ask for help.
Can you pack up some things and leave and just go to theirs?
Come back for stuff later.
Take what money you can.
Tell him to take you to court.
He's abusing your child by shouting like that in front of her.