To get involved with DSD's weight?

[orangefoxsoda]

We have DSD 7 with us full time for the summer. It pains me to say it but she's gained a lot of weight this year. Until about age 6 she was consistently 30th centile for height and somewhere around 20th-25th centile, she's now 30th centile for height and 90th centile for weight. BMI comes out at 98th centile on the NHS BMI calculator. Her weight has increased steadily over the last year, she's had a recent growth spurt. We've tried talking to DP's ex about it, she just gets very defensive. The relationship there is already quite difficult. It's obvious she thinks it will sort itself out and isn't going to do anything about it.

WIBU to just put DSD on a diet this summer, get her exercising more etc and take control of it ourselves while we have her with us?

How often is she with her dad?

Unreasonable to put her on a diet yes.
Not unreasonable to give lots of opportunities for healthy meals and activities, it's really important you foster healthy eating habits in a non forceful or restrictive way.

Tricky. But I wouldn't go in with "diet" maybe just promote as healthy eating as possible, still allow occasional treats, watch portion control and as you rightly say, get active! Especially while weather is still nice :)

DSD lives overseas with her mother, so she's with us for longer school holidays. DP will also try to go out there to see her a few times throughout the school year, but she's normally still staying with her mum during those visits. The longest we ever have her for at a time is the summer.

It's not unreasonable to be concerned about her weight and want to help.

But, it very much depends why it has happened in the first place, how you go about it and whether it can be maintained once she isn't with you.

It could be very confusing and damaging for her otherwise.

Leave it to her parents.

She's being set up for lifetime of health issues if she is allowed to carry on gaining weight like this. I would remove any high fat/calorie snacks from the house, make healthy meals and get her as active as you can. Poor kid.

Healthy food, lots of fun exercise. No talk of diet or weight. Lead by example

What @MarthaLovesLaughing said. And BMI for kids is not a reasonable measure at all.

Difficult at that age. Provide healthy food and lots of movement. Not much else is appropriate. Her father could mention to his ex but she is likely to be defensive.

A diet is completely unreasonable at her age.
I have a 5yo DD and I’ve previously had quite serious ED’s so I’m incredibly invested and well read on handling this in the healthiest way.

I would encourage conversations and actions surrounding ‘health’ avoid any trigger words like ‘weight’ or ‘fat’ etc. Do not weigh her or make the loss of weight a goal. Talk about ‘healthy’ and ‘strong’ and about feeling good inside and out. Lead by example, cooking and eating healthy food options but do not set it out as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ food just set it out as ‘moderation’.
Get out and about, get active and let it work naturally.

If you set up her self esteem at this age to revolve around weight and scales it will scar her for life. My DD eats a fair amount of treats (we both have a sweet tooth) but we do a huge amount of exercise and make a lot of healthy meal choices too. Both of us are strong, slim and athletic.

I’ve been ‘very skinny’ and it sucks. I’ve been grossly overweight and it also sucks. ‘HEALTHY’ and ‘STRONG’

I ask my DD ‘what do you think super girl eats for lunch?’ We make superfoods together.

Make sure that at your house, she gets healthy food and not too much of it and is running around outside, going for regular walks with you etc.
Try and get DP to get mum to cut out sweets/crisps/too many ice creams etc. but ultimately this is hard for you to influence.

At least you will know that you are not being negligent by allowing her to stuff her face with snacks and get obese.

She’s 7 for gods sake. You don’t put 7 year olds on diets. By all means restrict treats but you don’t stop them and by all means give her good meals to eat but if she says she is hungry give her fruit or whatever

she still has a lot of growing to do. And any diet may end up giving her food issues
that said you be led by her father really it’s nothing to do with you

Kids grow like Christmas trees. Out then up.

Unless you know she’s eating a very crappy diet, the increase in weight could be perfectly normal.

I remember DS at around 8yrs old putting on weight one summer AFTER I’d bought his school uniform for the next September. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I had to order some new bigger trousers via Amazon as the local shop didn’t have anything in his new size.
Within about 4 months, at Christmas, he’d had a growth spurt and was back to being tall and skinny again.

He’s an older teen now and still tall and skinny.

There’s not much you can do. Even if she did lose weight, she will just put it back on again when she’s with her Mother.

I’d have thought a largely absent Father is a bigger concern really. At least her Mother is living with her doing the hard work of raising her.

If she’s only with you in the school holidays it won’t really matter will it? She’ll go home and gain weight again.

Step mother putting 7 year old on a diet is something from a future therapy session.

if she’s being poorly fed at home the weight will come off anyway after a whole summer in your wholesome home. Why would you need extra effort?

I'm obviously not suggesting we tell her we are putting her on a diet.

She is fairly active at her mum's supposedly, diet is usually fairly ok from what she tells us she eats at home. Her mum has been quite unwell this year and she's ended up being passed around different relatives a lot. I guess I'm thinking the weight has gone on now and if we can help her get it off we are doing her a favour long term.

She's definitely overweight, probably obese. It's not pre growth spurt, she's already had one.

I'm slightly concerned that you know her BMI as it suggests one of the first things you did when you saw her was put her on the scales.

No diets, no weighing. Just eat normal mostly home cooked food and keep reasonably active. Model a healthy lifestyle without excesses in any direction (i.e. excess junk food /inactivity OR excess focus on being thin/overactive)

Do you know what she eats usually? I ask as my six year old has suddenly shot to 98th percentile BMI and he eats a healthy diet, albeit I think his portion sizes are too big. I’m trying to really focus on him upping exercise instead as I really don’t want to give him a complex with food when actually he eats really well.

I wouldnt say anything or visibly do anything

But

I would reduce the food, remove the sugar and get her out and about every day, playing and running around

As a woman with a weight problem: do not make any kind of deal about it!

There's nothing wrong with weighing a child now and then as part of a health check.

They should be taught it's as normal as having their height, vision and hearing tested.

Ignoring obesity will never make it go away.

Bloody hell she’s been dealing with a poorly mum and passed around family all year then she’s come to her dads to get judged about her weight? C’mon get your priorities right. Just enjoy her company.

If she’s with you for a few weeks it should be fairly obvious where this has come from should it not? If she’s eating lots of chocolate, crisps etc she’ll be craving them. Same if she won’t eat home cooked meals and is asking for pizzas (making up examples as I go along). If portions are too big she’ll complain about being hungry if she’s given a normal child sized portion.

I wouldn’t agree a diet in the way an adult might but yes give her a healthy diet, minimal treats and model healthy eating and being active