AIBU to feel hurt that my partner is struggling with my child?

[Vikings95]

I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years. Moved in together a few months ago. I also have a 10 year old child with autism, but partner has been involved with child for a while now and they usually get on very well and my partner is very helpful with child and around the house etc.

Partner was a little quiet today because they admitted they had been really struggling with my child’s behaviour for the last few days and it was making them constantly feel on edge. Child has been a little bit heightened today and yesterday but overall not too bad, so I was quite surprised when they said this.

For me personally it just triggered that initial fear I had years ago when I started dating as a single parent of “being too much for someone to deal with and they will leave”. My rational side is saying that I struggle with my child’s behaviour sometimes so why shouldn’t they when they live in the same house too, but I can’t help feeling quite hurt by it too.

AIBU?

YANBU but in your situation I wouldn't move in with partner and would just stick to dating etc

must say I struggle with my own child’s behaviour sometimes, I can’t imagine how I’d react to it if she wasn’t my child and I’d only recently started to live with her.

I think it is absolutely normal that your partner may be struggling and actually pretty healthy that they said so.

I do think you need a calm conversation about whether it may work best for everyone not to live together- not split up just go back to how you were which sounds like it worked well.

He’s only 10, the calm before the teen years. If he can’t deal with it now there is NO way he will deal with it then. Save yourself and your child a lot of grief and move out. You already know it’s tough, expecting someone to ‘get it’ who isn’t related or having any vested interest in your child, this isn’t going to end well.
they will probably leave eventually

It's normal to struggle around other people's children especially if they are challenging.

Do they get enough of a break away from the house and your dd to be able to regulate themselves or have they been around dd whenever not at work? It can be very overwhelming to deal with at times, and I thinn its good they can say this to you in a calm non flamatory way. If you hadn't been there for dds life so far and just moved in with her you might find it hard too

YABU to expect your partner to live with a difficult child that’s not his own. It was a silly idea to move in together - what did you expect? Most men (with no children of their own) would struggle to live with other people’s children, let alone those with additional needs.

I struggle with my step daughters behaviour (she's 11) much more than I'd ever admit. It's extremely hard when you don't have that parental bond with a child, especially when their behaviour is particularly difficult. Try not to overreact, he's been very honest with you which is more than I can say for myself.

I struggle with my own autistic child so i would expect someone else to, it’s one of the reasons why I won’t date because I know no man would want date me with a challenging child.

So does this mean that they can’t ever be honest with you?

My dh and I struggle with our autistic teen. At times we just wish that he could move out. We love him but he's very hard to like due to his behaviour which is very challenging to say the least. I feel suicidal at times to just get away from it all. No one else would be able to cope. My love for him is the only thing that keeps me going.

As pp said- teenage years with autistic children are awful. If he can't stand it at 10 then he will be gone when she's 13.

I wouldn't live with someone else's child full time especially an autistic child. I have an autistic DSD who I love but I would struggle to live with - if anything happened god forbid to her mum I think DH and I would have to live separately with our respective kids. I wouldn't have moved someone in with my DS if he was high needs either. It's a very difficult and challenging dynamic. Is there any reason you couldn't stay together but living apart until your child is older?

So you would prefer if thry kept quiet and prentent everything is ok then leave when they can't cope anymore

Or do you think they will suddenly wake up and be able to cope?

I wouldn’t be able to cope with a child with additional needs at the best of times and especially an unrelated child!

It's not a rejection of you or your child. They're being honest that they are finding it difficult. Anyone would. Far better than bottling things up and it gives you an opening to acknowledge that you find it challenging too at times when you're struggling.

It's also worth realising that you may respond differently at different times. It might be that your DP can cope better than you at certain times which could be a useful balance.

I’m another one who wouldn’t have moved in together. I think your best chance of preserving your relationship is if you don’t live with him.

I’m a single parent to an autistic DS.

At 10yo I really struggled with him.

Hes older now and a lot easier but still requires a lot of support.

I made the decision to remain single because I personally didn’t feel I had anything else to give another person and anytime I had I wanted for myself.

So I can understand why a partner feels overwhelmed. At least they are being honest and communicating. And they’ve said they’ve found it hard. Which I’m sure you don’t times?

So use this opportunity to discuss ways to balance out and carve out some time for decompression and talk about the future.

Of this isnt going to work better to split now than 3/4/5 years down the line when DD has more of a bond with them.

That was unnecessary.

It’s normal to struggle with your own children too!

OP unless there are any other signs, it’s healthy that he admitted this out loud. You need to be honest and work together, where parents go wrong is they bottle things up then it seeps through the cracks and comes out badly.

I would tell lay your cards on the table for your own peace of mind and tell him you always want to be honest and work together, then look out for further signs he isn’t coping. Give it a shot but trust your instincts.

You are actually a disgusting human being. Why are people like you on mumsnet, a website for supporting mums and parents. You ruin the site for everyone. I’m appalled.

God you’ve got some horrible replies on here!

in all honestly he’s been totally honest about how he’s feeling and hasn’t let it build up and cause tension.
that being said maybe moving in together wasn’t the greatest idea? If he is struggling could he go back to his old place he may need to have the space away it was never going to straight forward really but that doesn’t mean it can’t work you may just have to go back to living apart if things got hard

I think you need to be realistic here OP. He isn't going to have the same parental bond as you and this will hugely magnify any difficulties from his perspective.

As others have said; I struggle with my own child sometimes and I also have stepchildren, and yes I also struggle with them more.

It can be very difficult with children that are showing some challenging behaviours - more so if they’re not your child and you don’t have that unconditional love to get you through.

It can also come down to parenting. My DH parents his kids very very differently from me and that can lead to frustrations on my side so I tend to just remove myself from the situation.

I think you could of phrased that a lot better, don't you?

I don't understand why you say you're feeling hurt by this. He's being honest and you said yourself you sometimes struggle. This is a big adjustment moving in and all of you will be feeling it.
I personally think would have been easier to stay living separately. Not sure if that is still an option? But as PP have said there's no parental bond here and so it's probsbly quite normal that he will struggle