AIBU to feel hurt that my partner is struggling with my child?

[Vikings95]

I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years. Moved in together a few months ago. I also have a 10 year old child with autism, but partner has been involved with child for a while now and they usually get on very well and my partner is very helpful with child and around the house etc.

Partner was a little quiet today because they admitted they had been really struggling with my child’s behaviour for the last few days and it was making them constantly feel on edge. Child has been a little bit heightened today and yesterday but overall not too bad, so I was quite surprised when they said this.

For me personally it just triggered that initial fear I had years ago when I started dating as a single parent of “being too much for someone to deal with and they will leave”. My rational side is saying that I struggle with my child’s behaviour sometimes so why shouldn’t they when they live in the same house too, but I can’t help feeling quite hurt by it too.

AIBU?

This. Its not his kid, why is he going to want to put up with a difficult kid? The relationship might work living apart.

My relationship broke down last year and this was a factor. I have two neurodiverse kids and although they're actually pretyy awesome - and he agreed - they had issues with impulse control, stimming, volume control, more dependent than you might expect for the age etc.

In hindsight I wish we had stayed in a relationship but not lived together. The relationship might actually have survived. He was the love of my life, but living together was the start of the end.

I have so much sympathy for you. I know how much you probably want the family life, the quiet downtime at the end of the day with your partner, but if they're struggling at 3 months it won't get easier. And honestly, although I miss my ex, I miss living with him, just me and kids in the house is easier, really. Im not worrying about how their behaviour is impacting anybody else. Im not waiting for someone else to do something or help me with something. It's just me and my kids and we're ok.

If we'd not moved in together I could then also have time with him on weekends, he could still stay over sometimes. I could have had 90% of the life I'm wanted insteadnof losing him, but everyone has 20/20 hindsight, huh?

Saying you wouldn’t move in with someone whose child had significant additional needs is hardly ‘disgusting’. Children are difficult. A child with autism may present in ways that are particularly challenging, even for his/her own parents, and far more so for an unrelated adult. If the OP and her partner had thought this through in advance of cohabitation, they wouldn’t be in this situation now, but they are, and it’s important the partner can be honest about struggling, especially as the OP clearly has different metrics on what behaviour might be challenging from her 10 year old

This site is becoming unbearable with comments like that. I used to wake up and have a browse with a coffee but the first thing I always see is negativity.

There should be tighter rules on AIBU, I’ve reported that post.

That’s not what she said though is it?!?!?

She called OPs child a problem child!? Can you comprehend how rude and unkind and unhelpful that is or are you also completely void of empathy?

I meant to quote that post

If he’s struggling now, he’s in for a really rough time with the tween/teen years. I’d live separately and date, that seems to have been working and this likely won’t.

Sorry was agreeing with you 👍😊

Its also really difficult sharing a house with a child who isn't yours. Parenting styles can differ and when its not your child you don't have the authority to impose rules/boundaries/discipline. This can be particularly true where its common these days for parents of autistic children to favour low demand parenting. If you don't agree with that parenting style its very hard to watch.

‘Hurt’ yes you are being totally unreasonable. Your partner has been honest, you should be talking about this. What is he finding difficult, does he have any suggestions as to how it might be made easier, etc etc. if you act all hurt and like you are upset and offended he will not discuss it again. It won’t change how he feels, he will just suppress it and resentment will grow. That will, in due course, end your relationship. This is not his child. He does not have the parental bond that you do. Leave behind the fantasies that ‘he loves her like his own’ etc, he doesn’t and he won’t. If you want this to work you have to be very grown up, not defensive of your DC, not defensive of your own parenting , and prepared to compromise big time. Talk, talk talk

What a vile comment...

Back to you OP: never a man before your kids is my motto.

If he can't cope then he needs to move out.

Then you can decide whether you wan to continue seeing him.

Well done to your partner for being honest about his struggles with your child’s behaviours. It’s ok to feel upset and disappointed by that but your partner has done the right thing by vocalising his feelings and you all need to find a way to move forward without you making your partner feel guilty for how he feels. I imagine it’s very difficult to be a step parent to any child let alone one who is ND, you have the benefit of a maternal bond with your child your partner does not!

“Hurt”?
Yeah, you’re being unreasonable.
Stop treating his comment as a personal slight, and see it for what it is.

It’s not his child. They’re yours, and you know that they are challenging.

He’s allowed to voice his opinions and concerns, and a healthy relationship should encourage openness and discussion.

My concern wouldn't be whether or not he will leave, but the effect him not coping would have on my child

DC of any kind can be hard work sometimes. DC with additional needs are harder work still. Parenting your own DC is hard sometimes and parenting or living with someone else's harder still. I'm not surprised your DP is struggling - it would be very strange if he wasn't. If this is making one or both of you question living together, keep talking about it. Maybe living separately would work better?