AIBU to cut contact after years of lies about money?

[TheGingerMoose]

AIBU to never speak to my father again?

I have recently discovered that my father has been lying to me about his wealth. In fact, it transpires he has been lying about it for the entirety of my adult life.

Ever since I can remember he has told me that he has made a lot of money. He has spoken to me often of investments that he has and assets he is selling. My parents’ lifestyle never matched this (indeed we had a very modest upbringing) but he always explained this by having put money off shore and, in particular, investing it for me and my siblings in the future. Much money was purportedly in trust for me and my DC, pending his death.

This talk had a very profound effect
on me when I was in my 20s. I was led to believe that money was headed my way and me and DH consequently did little to plan for our future. Why invest in a pension if you have a very substantial inheritance? I know this was stupid but we were young and wanted to enjoy our money.

Anyway, in short, a recent event has revealed that there never was any money.

My siblings believe he may have schizophrenia and that this has been the result of decades of delusions. But is that possible? I really struggle to believe that he hasn’t just lied to inflate his self-worth and I refuse to give him an out by just blaming an undiagnosed mental illness.

It’s not about the money. I just struggle now to believe anything he has said to me over the whole of my life. And that hurts so much.

You're lashing out because you feel foolish for planning your life around money that you saw absolutely no evidence of. No contact seems extreme to me. Yes he's delusional, but people are delusional about all sorts of things.

It's hard to see it any other way than if he's got no money to give you, you're not interested in him.

We're always told "an inheritance is not guaranteed"

Sorry OP but you should never plan your finances on the basis that you might receive an inheritance, no matter what the other person says. It’s utterly foolish.

Best start building up your pension.

You sound grabby.

I have a slightly similar situation, growing up dad always talked about how he was saving for me, to get me to uni first... then in reality I realised I had much less financial support than my peers ( it's OK I thought he's wanting me to be independent, so i worked 3 jobs ) then he would proudly tell people he had a lump sum saved for my wedding ( I never got married) then when I bought a house I was sort of expecting a top up from this long promised lump sum ( no) and there has been no mention of it since. Looking back now I think any savings might have been absorbed in general life ( he took early retirement ) and the situations where he talked about saving amd having a lump some for me were dinner parties and events when he was chatting to other dads who were much more wealthy. So I think he was just trying to fit in. When I realised this I did loose respect for him and also that it was my mum who bought me car when I needed it after finishing uni and my mum who gave me a small lump sum when i had a child and helps top up the child care account. Made me respect my mum much more ( despite some differnces)
It's never to late to start saving though, even just 50 in a stocks amd shares isa will build up. And be pleased you have done some fun things. The rough times amd financial challenges will always come so I thing spend it when you have it! ( well not all but enjoy what you can..)
Also some counselling helps. It's more than just the money isn't it

Not sure why you are trying to shift the blame for poor planning of your future on to someone else.

No one is entitled to an inheritance.

I'm with you OP. I don't think it's foolish to think a parent was telling you the truth.

Because of this, you've made life choices that otherwise you would not. If your own father said you'd be coming into several hundred thousands in twenty years time, and nothing had happened that would have changed that (new marriage, care homes etc) then why on earth would you think about saving a few grand for things?

I'd be fucking livid. I've had similar, where my mother promised financial help, loudly, in front of others. Turns out she's a liar too. Luckily my DH earns very well and we are good. But we'd be wealthy and our children would have many more opportunities if we'd received what we were promised too. We have been quite wasteful, because it seemed little point to save loads, as it's wouldn't make any difference given the lump sum we'd get in the future. Had we known that was utter bullshit, we'd have been much more careful, invested more and been in a far far better position. We're probably 10yrs behind where we could have been, had she not lied to us. Our choices were absolutely influenced on her promises. You just don't expect a parent to do that. This wasn't an inheritance either. More "early inheritance because we'd rather see you enjoy it with the grandchildren, rather than when we're gone". We waited, and waited, not wanting to look grabby. Not taking a mortgage when we should have because "oh you'll have virtually no need for a mortgage with the deposit from me". When it came to crunch time, the excuses flowed thick and fast. My parents are millionaires. Turns out she likes the idea of being the great provider to an audience, but can't stomach actually handing anything over.

Solidarity, OP. It's very much changed our relationship too. She's always acted like I should be beholden to her, given what she would so selflessly be gifting us. I don't trust her at all anymore, and I've distanced myself fairly. Our life is nice, but it could be much nicer by our own hands if she hadn't lied to us.

@TheGingerMoose he’s a fantasist and has made a fool out of you. It’s a very hurtful thing to do.

It could come from a place where he’s embarrassed that he was never able to give you what he wanted to be able to give you, so convinced himself and you that one day he’ll be leaving you xyz. Maybe he thought he could reach this goal, or maybe he thought he’d be dead when you found out so it wouldn’t matter to him. It’s insanity for sure.

It’s hurtful, disappointing and disgusting of him really whatever his reasoning.

I think this answer nails it.

I understand your shock and confusion. But I’d recommend you take some time before terminating your relationship with him.

he may have had reason to lie. He may have originally had the funds but lost them. He may have had a mental health issue all along.

you shouldn’t blame him for your responsibility either money.

did you love him and enjoy his company before the discovery?

the way you’ve written your list, it seems as though you feel he led you to plan badly. And that he is of no use to you now that you know he won’t be giving you a substantial amount of money.

I’m sure it’s the deceit more than greed, but time and talking will hopefully help you avoid irreconcilable differences.

I disagree. If he hadn’t fabricated the lie in the first place OP wouldn’t have cared that her father had no money to leave her. It’s the lie he created and from that lie, OP made a mental note that she had this financial cushion coming one day, that lie has crushed her. He pulled the rug out from under her. Horrid man.

I don’t deny I’ve been foolish. But when you literally have a parent telling you that there is a trust fund set up in your name…

As I say, it’s not really about my
finances. I’m comfortable. But it do feel let down. I would never make up stuff like that to my DC.

How old are you OP?

You really haven't been foolish. This was your own father telling you he had a significant trust fund for you. Not hoped to have. Had.

He's made you look stupid, people perhaps having perceived you as being reckless and carefree with money. If you knew you were winning the lottery at 38, you wouldn't spend from 18 to 37 scrimping and saving would you.

As you say, I can't comprehend watching my children make poor financial choices on lies I was telling them. Awful man.

Where was your mum in all this? Surely she knew it was bollocks.

What kind of job did he have when you were growing up?

I’m really surprised at these responses.

You’re not entitled or grabby for being upset that your father has lied to you for years.

If my parent told me something, I would believe them. Why wouldn’t I? Unless one of them had form, or was mentally ill, why wouldn’t you believe your parent?

If your father had told you he had cancer and had been lying about it to you for years, or was hiding a second family, everyone would agree that you had a right to be upset.

I think what he has done is worse though - he’s allowed you to organise your life around something that he knows will never happen. It’s terrible. Abhorrent, actually.

Thanks @MademoisellePraline. Our situations sound very similar. Except that my parents def don’t have the money. It was just simply untrue.

I understand those who think I sound grabby but it’s not that. I’ve suspected for a while that there was no money and still had a relationship with him. But now it has been unequivocally confirmed to me that he was lying. And yet he won’t admit that he never had it.

We’ve never been especially close. I feel like promising the earth was a way for him to try and impress us and make up for absences in our childhood.

@Vivi0 Ha. Funnily enough he did once tell me he had been told he didn’t have long left
to live. Which also didn’t prove to be true.

I shed quite a few tears over the thought he might be ill.

I think you’ve learned a pretty tough lesson not to take things on trust when they seem to conflict with the evidence of your own eyes, and it’s okay to feel upset and even angry about it.

I don’t know whether your father’s lies are born from schizophrenia or narcissism or delusional fantasy but it does sound like there’s something pathological about it, as in, there’s a degree to which he’s literally deluded or compelled to lie, not just making things up in a coldly manipulative way.

From that point of view, perhaps your hurt and anger can be tempered with the perspective that in some way, your father isn’t wholly in control of his own behaviour.

That doesn’t mean you owe him a relationship though. Mentally ill and personality disordered people can be extremely hard to deal with and it’s okay to keep them at arm’s length, or cut them off if that’s what you need to do for your own mental health.

I don't get this at all. He has lied and decieved her her whole life. There's no trust or understanding.

Really? You’ve done no financial planning for your own retirements because you assumed you’d be getting a big inheritance?
With current social care costs it’s not sensible to assume anyone is getting an inheritance!!
Both my parents and in laws are reasonably well off and have been sensible with money so in theory we should get an inheritance however DH and I are both under no illusion that if any of the parentals need care which is highly likely that we will get nothing! So we have our own retirement planned for without any inheritance, that would just be the icing on the cake and we will be secure without it!!
I think your dad has been a rather silly bragging but you have also been silly not securing your own financial futures on the assumption of an inheritance!!

Thinking you might get an inheritance because your in laws a fairly well off is completely different to your Dad sitting you down as a young adult and telling you not to worry about money in the future because he has set up a significant trust fund for you.

She didn’t assume she’d be getting a big inheritance. Her Dad told her to her face he had set up a trust fund for her and not to worry about money for her future. Two totally different things.

So, you want to cut him off because you aren't getting the massive lump sum you believed you were entitled to for some reason resulting in you doing fuck all to prepare for the future and pad out your savings. Aren't you a peach!