AIBU to cut contact after years of lies about money?

[TheGingerMoose]

AIBU to never speak to my father again?

I have recently discovered that my father has been lying to me about his wealth. In fact, it transpires he has been lying about it for the entirety of my adult life.

Ever since I can remember he has told me that he has made a lot of money. He has spoken to me often of investments that he has and assets he is selling. My parents’ lifestyle never matched this (indeed we had a very modest upbringing) but he always explained this by having put money off shore and, in particular, investing it for me and my siblings in the future. Much money was purportedly in trust for me and my DC, pending his death.

This talk had a very profound effect
on me when I was in my 20s. I was led to believe that money was headed my way and me and DH consequently did little to plan for our future. Why invest in a pension if you have a very substantial inheritance? I know this was stupid but we were young and wanted to enjoy our money.

Anyway, in short, a recent event has revealed that there never was any money.

My siblings believe he may have schizophrenia and that this has been the result of decades of delusions. But is that possible? I really struggle to believe that he hasn’t just lied to inflate his self-worth and I refuse to give him an out by just blaming an undiagnosed mental illness.

It’s not about the money. I just struggle now to believe anything he has said to me over the whole of my life. And that hurts so much.

She didn’t believe she was entitled to it! She was TOLD a trust fund had been arranged for her and not to worry about her financial future. Sheesh. Put your claws back in.

My mother is from a background where your husband manages the finances. She was very trusting and would have allowed him to be very secretive about money. I see her as a victim in this but even now she refuses to believe he has lied.

I def didn’t feel “entitled”. No more than one would feel entitled if told that they had a winning lottery ticket.

What’s the last word supposed to be? I can’t make it fit? Too many letters for shit.

just say it. We’re grown ups here 🙄

Very hurtful for sure OP but hopefully anybody reading this will learn a lesson from this.
I think men in particular can have very grand ideas of where they will end up.
I think their financial circumstances define their self importance.
We all know people who are going to make a fortune, investing this, that and the other and really with all their talk they end up with not a lot.

My dad was similar OP. He didn't fabricate but he implied there was more than there actually was and I think he hoped this would be the case. I just didn't completely believe what he said because he spent a lot of his money and had a lot of children (both his perogative). What he was saying didnt match our circumstances so I didn't expect anything. I am sorry you are in this position and hope you can find a way to build for your future.

So weirdly I had the opposite. I have inherited a lot of money from DPs ahead of time. As did DS. My DS has achieved a lot more (like outing successful) whilst I have been more casual and now I just feel bitterly shit about myself. I have done good stuff in my industry. I am well known and I think I am well respected. I have made the money I got from my DPs work hard so actually it’s all good but still compared to what DS has done? It’s just crap. There is such a fine line and I think whatever you would have done it would have felt wrong

This almost makes me feel lucky that I worked out by the time I was 11 that I couldn’t believe a word my dad said, especially if he was talking about money, which he usually was. Or at best, that I could take what he said as an expression of his feelings for me, but never of reality.

Could you learn to see it that way? That what he meant was that he wished he could give you everything that you ever wanted? Of course the way he did it was dysfunctional and infuriating. Me and my siblings have fairly distorted relationships with money and I have certainly felt deeply angry with my dad a lot of my life. If I’m honest I haven’t grieved him, really at all, though he had good qualities and was liked and even loved by many.

But I never cut contact with him. I do think that although sometimes it is clearly necessary, NC is a huge and consequential decision that lays waste to an entire network. I would certainly give it significant time, and probably therapy, before doing that. You can reduce contact and assess how that feels?

It sounds as if you have a great Mum. So did I. That’s worth an enormous amount. If your relationship with her would suffer, I’d really question if it is worth it.

It is, entirely, about the money.