DH's comment about my bikini has really knocked my confidence

[jessywxo]

We're on holiday at the moment and this happened yesterday before we went down to the pool.

I'm late 20s and I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years and I'm not pretending otherwise. I don't look the same as I did a few years ago and when I met DH and I'm aware my body has changed.

I've sometimes struggled with my confidence because of it, especially when it comes to things like swimwear but I decided before this holiday that I didn't want to spend the whole time worrying about how I looked.

I brought a bikini that I've had for a while that I always loved and felt good in. It's definitely tighter than it used to be, but I didn't think it looked terrible. I felt comfortable in it and I actually looked in the mirror and thought I looked okay, which can be quite rare.

I came out of the bathroom ready to go and I saw DH give me a funny look.
I asked him what was wrong and he said "Nothing", but I said "No, what is it?"
Eventually he said, "I was just surprised you were wearing that bikini."

I asked him what he meant and he said that he thought it looked too tight and that they were digging in on me. He said he wasn't trying to be horrible, but he was only saying it because he'd rather I knew than walked around the pool feeling uncomfortable or looking silly.

I know he probably wasn't trying to hurt me, but it really upset me. I hadn't asked him what he thought. I wasn't standing there asking if the bikini suited me or if it still fitted, I was just ready to go.

Until then I actually felt quite good about myself. After he said it, I felt really self-conscious and ended up changing into a swimsuit because I didn't feel comfortable wearing the bikini anymore.

I spent the rest of the day feeling rubbish, which annoyed me because my weight and how I look is already something that bothers me and I was trying to make an effort to avoid that..

Last night I told him that his comment had upset me. He said he didn't understand why I was making such a big deal out of it because he hadn't said it to be mean or nasty. He said if he was wearing something that didn't fit properly, he'd want me to tell him. I said I would if he asked me, but I wouldn't just look at him and point something out that I knew would surely make him feel bad.

He's very 'black and white' sometimes and his view seems to be that couples should be honest with each other even if its not nice to hear. I think there are some things you don't need to say unless someone actually asks.

For balance and to be fair to him, he is normally a good husband and I don't think he was trying to be mean/cruel. I just don't know if I'm overreacting, or whether he should have kept that thought to himself in the moment

AIBU to be so upset over this?

See I just don’t think this, I would rather my husband had my back, and was honest with me, I can’t think of anything worse than my husband lying to my face and thinking something different behind his eyes, to falsely make me feel good, like some form of idiot. I just don’t want that. I want to trust my husband to be honest. Most feel the same I can see from the responses.

and I also don’t think it’s ok to think thr role of your spouse is always to make you feel good. That’s so so needy and unrealistic and really unfair on them. We are responsible for us. To put thay all on one person. And to feel your job is always to make your partner feel good. I’m an individual, I have no desire to spend my days making my husband feel good and lying to him to enable that. I simply can’t see how my marriage would survive under these conditions.

Right, so you changed beyond all recognition from the girl that this bloke started dating x years ago and you're now upset that he's pointed out that yer now a big un... really? 😂

I completely agree with you.

Having a person’s best interests at heart doesn’t mean blindly lying to them. What kind of a relationship is that?

Weight is too contentious of an issue for too many women. If someone has gained weight then they need to buy bigger clothes. It’s that simple. Why does pointing this out cause such a drama?

I would hate to think my wife was lying to my face - I’m not a child being told Santa is real. I’m a grown adult, as is the OP.

Why do you think making someone feel good means lying !??? Or not being honest !?!
it can mean all sorts of things including partnership/ supporting each other/working towards goals/ encouraging/having a work budy ?! empowering someone
we all have areas that can be improved and it’s nice to have a trusted coach

Eh? How does that relate to this thread, you want him to coach her on her swimwear, emotionally support her on it?

Telling someone they look fabulous when you genuinely don’t think they do is lying, yes. Most of us in this thread wouldn’t want a partner who lies to us and tells us everything is wonderful when it clearly isn’t. That isn’t love. It’s telling someone what they want to hear simply to keep the peace, which is ultimately selfish and self-serving.

Honesty and kindness are foundational to any healthy relationship. If you can’t be honest with your partner, then what’s the point?

When I ask my husband how an outfit looks on me, I want the truth. I don’t want him to bullshit me or tell me I look great when he clearly doesn’t think I do. I’d much rather hear, “I don’t think that’s the most flattering outfit on you” than be falsely reassured.

For me, being able to trust my partner to be honest with me -even when the truth isn’t necessarily what I want to hear, is fundamental. If that honesty disappears, that would be a death knell for the relationship.

He wasn't going to say anything about it, but she did say go on what is it so then he said what he thought, I don't think he meant to be mean, he's otherwise a decent husband just being honest, better than lies surely, can you only be honest when it's a complement, your husband should be able to be honest., he dousnt sound like he was being mean, just the truth can be hurtful.

sometimes tighter exaggerates . i seen many females in what would look great just next size up not anyone's fault but designers hate there customers

Surely designers can’t be held responsible for people buying and wearing the wrong sized clothes?

She didn't say "how does my outfit look" to him though. He just showed judgement of her through pulling a weird face. I agree if she had asked then he should be honest.
I think if she already knows she gained weight then making faces and making her feel self conscious right that second, when she can do absolutely nothing about the fact she's gained weight, is unreasonable. If he's got an issue much better to bring it up at home than before she heads out in swimwear.

@everthingisgoingtobefine I certainly wasn’t suggesting he lied to her !
there are so many ways to convey a message, clearly his was judgmental

@lev2002 has nailed it!

If you read the OP message the interaction was done sensitively after she spotted a subtle reaction..
Another bloke might not have been as diplomatic ..