DH's comment about my bikini has really knocked my confidence

[jessywxo]

We're on holiday at the moment and this happened yesterday before we went down to the pool.

I'm late 20s and I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years and I'm not pretending otherwise. I don't look the same as I did a few years ago and when I met DH and I'm aware my body has changed.

I've sometimes struggled with my confidence because of it, especially when it comes to things like swimwear but I decided before this holiday that I didn't want to spend the whole time worrying about how I looked.

I brought a bikini that I've had for a while that I always loved and felt good in. It's definitely tighter than it used to be, but I didn't think it looked terrible. I felt comfortable in it and I actually looked in the mirror and thought I looked okay, which can be quite rare.

I came out of the bathroom ready to go and I saw DH give me a funny look.
I asked him what was wrong and he said "Nothing", but I said "No, what is it?"
Eventually he said, "I was just surprised you were wearing that bikini."

I asked him what he meant and he said that he thought it looked too tight and that they were digging in on me. He said he wasn't trying to be horrible, but he was only saying it because he'd rather I knew than walked around the pool feeling uncomfortable or looking silly.

I know he probably wasn't trying to hurt me, but it really upset me. I hadn't asked him what he thought. I wasn't standing there asking if the bikini suited me or if it still fitted, I was just ready to go.

Until then I actually felt quite good about myself. After he said it, I felt really self-conscious and ended up changing into a swimsuit because I didn't feel comfortable wearing the bikini anymore.

I spent the rest of the day feeling rubbish, which annoyed me because my weight and how I look is already something that bothers me and I was trying to make an effort to avoid that..

Last night I told him that his comment had upset me. He said he didn't understand why I was making such a big deal out of it because he hadn't said it to be mean or nasty. He said if he was wearing something that didn't fit properly, he'd want me to tell him. I said I would if he asked me, but I wouldn't just look at him and point something out that I knew would surely make him feel bad.

He's very 'black and white' sometimes and his view seems to be that couples should be honest with each other even if its not nice to hear. I think there are some things you don't need to say unless someone actually asks.

For balance and to be fair to him, he is normally a good husband and I don't think he was trying to be mean/cruel. I just don't know if I'm overreacting, or whether he should have kept that thought to himself in the moment

AIBU to be so upset over this?

Bless you. That would have upset me too. I've put on a LOT of weight in the last two years because of health issues and have no hope of dropping it, so I understand how sensitive that can make you feel. I don't think some men get that, because they haven't been raised to think what they look like in a swimsuit is somehow an indicator of virtue and value, like we've been told all our lives. They can (some of them! I'm sure plenty struggle too) know they're a bit fat and it's just a fact, like being a bit sunburnt, not something that affects their self esteem.

While I do understand how that can upset you and take you by surprise I can only speak from my perspective and say I would so rather my husband tell me. Like he's got my back. I do think there are better ways to say it, like my husband would usually follow up with something 'like why don't you take this morning to browse some nice bikinis in the shop we saw around the corner.' Like he would put it down to me needing to get myself something new and nice rather than focus on any changes in my body. I do think it's a good idea to discuss it either way.

I think you’re projecting some of your own insecurities onto what he actually said a little bit.

From your own account, he didn’t volunteer a criticism of your body or tell you to change. You noticed him looking at you differently, asked what was wrong, he initially said nothing, and you pushed him to tell you. At that point he gave you an honest answer.

I completely understand why “I’m surprised you’re wearing that” stung, and he could absolutely have phrased it more tactfully. But I don’t think it automatically means he thought you looked ridiculous or that you shouldn’t be wearing a bikini. That seems to be the meaning you’ve attached to it because you were already feeling vulnerable about your weight.

You’re completely entitled to wear whatever you feel comfortable and happy in at any size, but equally, if you press your partner to tell you what they’re thinking, sometimes the answer may not be the one you hoped for.

I’d chalk this one up to poor phrasing rather than cruelty, especially as you say he’s otherwise a good husband.

The point is, you’re on holiday. Nobody else knows you. Probably nobody even has an opinion, and if they do, so what? You felt good in it, so that’s all that matters, and your husband probably looks nothing like when you first met either. Enjoy your holiday, wear the bikini 👙 and bask in the sunshine ☀️ I am so envious 🙂

Oh my gosh. What a terrible take. It's the fault of unrealistic beauty standards and judgement of others not her weight. This comment just pikes on the shame, which we all know doesn't help.

Sounds like you need to work on your confidence because of you felt completely confident in yourself you'd have just brushed it off.
Depends on the mood and his tone when he said it, honesty isn't always the best if it's going to upset someone, but was he aware you had a negative view of your physique 🤔

Very rude…..Tell him he is the wrong shape to wear budgie smugglers!

Someone who thinks they don't have to hear that they've hurt you because they didn't intend to (and that's often them lying to themselves or not understanding their own subconscious beliefs) is very emotionally immature.

Two things can be true at the same time - he wasn't trying to crush you (maaaaybeee), but he did nonetheless, and an adult would a. be able to deal with the fact that he'd crushed you without whining about how hurt he is and b. prevent himself from doing so in the future.

I think if a photo had been taken, you looked back at it and thought to yourself 'gosh, that bikini looked too small', you'd then be thinking 'why didn't my husband tell me?'
From what you've said, it seems he wasn't saying it to be mean, insult or upset you. He was trying to be helpful. You're clearly very conscious of the weight you've put on and it's affecting your self confidence, he could have said it in the nicest possible way and I think it would have still hurt your feelings.
I personally would rather my husband tell me if something didn't look good on regardless or whether I've asked or not, in the same way I would tell him!

good news. you're not dead yet. you could lose the weight and join a gym or a self defence class.

the truth no matter how uncomfortable is better than a comfortable lie.

He did the right thing telling you. You have an issue with your weight and you're taking it out on him. It would have been worse if he left you to parade around the pool, spilling out of your bikini. Sometimes the truth hurts. Maybe you can use this to do something about your weight so you feel comfortable with yourself?

See I think this is a terrible take. I understand the body positivity movement, but being a healthy weight is not an unrealistic beauty standard, it should never be positioned as such, never the less, he didn’t mention her weight, he simply told her the bikini was too small for her.

she herself said it was tighter, she’s gained four and a half stones, and was initially a 10-12, she’s onky 5 foot 2, so like many of us when we gain weight could be in a bit of denial, as she’s more likely a 18-2o now, rather than just an 18 and why the bikini was too small,

im sure she’d look great in a bikini that fit, it’s nothing to do with beauty standards wearing clothing that fits.

Except she knew it was tight and pressed her husband for a response, so she invited an opinion. It isn’t body-shaming anyone to say their clothes are tight. The skinniest of people can still have clothes that are too tight for them. It would have been different if he’d said she looked fat or was too fat to wear a bikini. Even then, if you ask, someone who loves you should give you an honest opinion or you can’t ever trust their opinion. I often ask my husband for his opinion and would trust him to say honestly whether he thinks something suits me or if it was too tight. No fat-shaming involved (even though I’m much fatter than I’d like to be and self-conscious about it).

He tried not to tell you what he thought, but you pushed him until he felt required to and now you are pissed at him.

YABVU.

I think you are being unreasonable. I agree with him I would prefer someone told me

Don't let what someone thinks make you change your original stance on anything. Had you have walked out in what you felt comfortable in, and told him to keep his distance, if he felt embarrassed, this post wouldn't exist.

unless he has the body of an adonis tell the ignorant cunt to fuck off with his comment...men are vile

Regardless of how much someone weighs, and whether they have lost or gained weight, anyone would feel self-conscious and upset at the comment.

When you feel good about yourself and someone says otherwise, it's a blow. It doesn't matter if you're a size 8, 18, or 28. If you've made an effort and it's with something your partner knows your self-conscious about, you expect some tact at the very least.

For what it's worth, your husband sounds like a decent guy and I'm glad you can see his comments wasn't malicious, but: you were feeling okay about your outfit and I think you should have been allowed to wear it, feel good and not be critiqued by him. Men should know better than to comment on a partner's weight or outfit unless it's done the right way, right time, and right place. Wearing a bikini on holiday can feel very exposing to us non-thin people at the best of times. Respect and kindness out front, always!! Good luck to you, you sound sensible AND sensitive which go well together so you'll be okay.

Sorry OP, but I am with your husband on this.
You admit you have put on weight, that's not an opinion its a fact so why would you want to wear something that no longer fits?
You probably should use a full length mirror for help,because you really put yourself into this situation, he didn't knock your confidence, your confidence went with the weight gain,yes?

You literally asked him and pushed it out of him. I think your husband is amazing for being real and he told you the truth! Sometimes we put things on ourselves and we don't realize how silly we look ,and to have a honest caring husband who would point out the truth instead of blatantly lie to your face is very valuable to have. I'm very grateful for my partner when he says his opinion on my outfits because sometimes I love the clothes but it really doesn't fit me right. That being said, go to gym ,for a run or whatever,and instead of pushing your husband,push yourself to get back into the form you were when you got married. You are in your 20s and there is no reason for having extra weight. And feel miserable when someone points it out.

TBH you might be better your bikini being a little on the tight side, as I've had the opposite problem thinking my bikini fits and I nearly lose half of it in the pool😅

Also it doesn't matter if you are plump in a bikini. You don't have to look like a swimwear model to wear one. If you feel comfortable and confident then go for it.

You wear whatever the heck you like whether on holiday or not. So what if you've put a bit of weight on? Are you just more curvy possibly and not built like a stick insect? You're only in your 20s, please don't get paranoid about your weight. I was always slim but now in my 50s and have more spare tyres than Kwik Fit. Enjoy your life while you're young and do and wear whatever you want!

This person is a wonky of the highest order.....they need a life- and you, dear OP should be celebrated till forever, for having sound and human emotions and views. Your husband is a bit of twat also, if he has done this crap before, then consider your future options thoroughly! Xx

OP you have said your weight bothers you. Do something about it now and don't wait until you're in your 30s, 40s, 50s... People sometimes lie to themselves about how their clothes are fitting when they're aware they are putting on unwanted weight.