AIBU to be turned off by his crude advances?

[WearyWhale]

My DH and I have been together for 20 years, married for 12, have two teenage kids and for the last few years our sex life has ground almost to a halt 😩 This is partly due to having teenagers who seem to always be awake and within earshot! But also partly due to me 'not being in the mood' and my DH seems to have lost the ability to woo me! Instead, after a few beers, he will blurt out crude questions like "fancy letting me have a smash at you?" or "can I stick my rod in your bod?" I am finding these increasingly annoying and a complete turn off. He says he's only joking and I shouldn't take the comments literally but I can't move past their crudeness. Who is being unreasonable?

A bit of background for context...15 years ago I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia but over the last 9 years my symptoms have really affected our lives. I used to be an active, highly energetic person with constant get up and go, who loved being a mum and wife and all the mundane tasks that come with family life. I am now no longer able to work, am in constant pain, get exhausted by even the slightest amount of activity and can't remember the last time I haven't needed at least one 3-4 hour nap a day. My DH has been absolutely amazing, caring for me and our DCs, taking on all the cooking and cleaning duties and never complaining. Unfortunately, I haven't taken the changes so well! I suffer from a severe lack of self esteem and feel completely useless when I can't find the energy to care for my family. I have also piled on the weight over the last few years which has left me feeling disgustingly unattractive. My DH is constantly telling me to be kinder to myself and not put so much pressure on myself to pretend nothing has changed. I can't help but feel like a huge burden to my DH and that obviously has had a severe impact on my sex drive. He says he doesn't want to pester me for sex when I'm obviously tired and in pain but I'm interpreting that as he doesn't find me attractive anymore. It sometimes feels like he can't bring himself to come near me unless he's had a few drinks and even then he just wants a quickie to satisfy the urge for a while! Am I being unreasonable to want to be made to feel attractive and wanted by my DH when he spends all his time working and caring for me and our family?

Or am I over-thinking this whole situation? Is he being kind and considerate by not expecting our sex life to be unchanged by my illness? Do all long term relationships, especially when teenage children are thrown into the mix, suffer a blip in their sex life and actually it's got nothing to do with my illness? Should I forgive the sometimes crude comments as he is otherwise a fantastic, caring DH?

Sorry for the long essay but I hope you understand my dilemma!
YABU - my DH is doing a fantastic job caring for the family and I should cut him some slack over his lack of romance.
YANBU - my DH's comments are inappropriate and I am right to be turned off by them.

Post doesn’t need the background context. His comments would turn me off too and most women I’d expect. Yuck.

Have you actually spoken to
him recently about this? Sat down without the kids around?

How repulsive.

No wonder you don’t fancy him.

Has he always used this sort of jokey language or is it a new thing? DH and I are very jokey like that and always have been.

Oh look, yet another one of these posts. They're almost daily now

My DH went through a phase of doing stupid things like jokingly pulling my pants down (indoors) or ‘honking’ my boobs.
We were having some problem with sex and this was like a displacement activity for him as he knew I wanted a good sex life, but he was anxious about performance/unconsciously wanted to put me off, I think.

I sat him down and explained I wouldn’t accept a life without sex, although he didn’t have to be a part of it.
He pulled his socks up and stopped all the nonsense.
Sex life has improved again.

talk to him.

Everything he’s done for you doesn’t excuse the grim comments. Yuck.

I don’t care if he’s Jesus Christ taking care of all the sick and needy in the world: his comments are totally gross and objectifying.

I wonder if he’s asking in this way so that it feels less pressured? To you and to him, because it’s slightly jokey and awkward. Here, we have both noticed that sex drops off the agenda if one or both of us is tired- which is often at the moment- and asking early doors “fancy a shag later?” sort of allows it to be out there, to be accepted or declined, without the pressure of anything else- and the phrasing seems easier than more flowery language.

(By this i don’t mean to say that affection and kisses should automatically suggest that sex is on the cards, at all- but if we’ve asked and one of us has said no, we can then be physically affectionate without worrying that the other will assume we’re up for sex.)

Your description of his behaviour does seem like he really loves you, so I think a conversation is in order. He probably misses the intimacy between you of previous years, but is aware of all that you’re dealing with and doesn’t want to pressure you but does want to know if he’s got a chance. It’s not unreasonable to find his manner of questioning off-putting, but maybe together you could come up with a way that would land better?

"fancy letting me have a smash at you?"

Eww, that's gross. That's just 'can I use your body for a smash?

Very gauche, charmless comments. Does he like women, do you think, or are you a friend he wants to drain his bag around.

The expression you've just used is as bad as what he said!

There seems to be a lot of miscommunication here. YNBU to be unimpressed by your DP’s crude attempts to initiate sex. But I think he might be at a loss of how to initiate sex given that your sex life is not functioning how it once was. It could be that he only feels he can raise it after a few drinks and then does it very clumsily.

I think you guys need an honest conversation about working out a way back to a sexual
connection if that’s what you both want. Or if that’s not what you want then you need to be honest about that.

he will blurt out crude questions like "fancy letting me have a smash at you?" or "can I stick my rod in your bod?"

This is awful. Does he see this as a reward for doing the housework or something?

Have you told him to stop these comments and he's still making them? That is a huge red flag that no amount of housework or cooking will erase.

I'm glad there are some sensible comments herre, among all the outraged. "Well, I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who sounds like Jay from the Inbetweeners either" bosom hoiking. This sounds like a genuine, valuable relationship that is, totally normally, suffering from teenagers, being together ages, getting old and fat, coupled with your health issues.

But yes, YANBU to want to be wooed. Talk to him, not in a you're doing everything wrong way, in a I want to have sex, how do we set it up, way. Because yes, you need to build the mood, have some seduction.

my DH seems to have lost the ability to woo me! Instead, after a few beers, he will blurt out crude questions like "fancy letting me have a smash at you?" or "can I stick my rod in your bod?" I am finding these increasingly annoying and a complete turn off. He says he's only joking and I shouldn't take the comments literally but I can't move past their crudeness. Who is being unreasonable?

You've told him you don't like it, and he continues to do it. Therefore he is being unreasonable.

It's downright odd to keep doing something, in a sexual context, if you have told him it will actively deter you from wanting to have sex with him. It's not like it's even 'talking dirty' in an explicit kind of way - it just makes him sound like a stupid giggling 13-year-old.

You need to have a talk about how to initiate sex and what's needed to make you feel inclined to want sex with him.

You need to talk to him.
Some couples use jokey crude language together - that's fine.
But it is also fine if it doesn't work for you.

It was a joke! Intended to be in the same vein!

First post nails it.

Perhaps he's saying it like that because he knows you'll then say no, and he can blame that on his own words rather than thinking you're not attracted to him any more? It may be, given your health and weight issues, that he feels/fears that underneath all that you just actually don't fancy him.

I couldn't have sex with someone who wanted to 'smash' me either. But I am wondering if he's subconsciously protecting himself?

He generally sounds like a very supportive partner so I think you need to cut him some slack but explain how the comments make you feel. He may be trying to initiate in this way so that if you don't respond positively it feels less like a rejection as it can be brushed off as a joke.
It isn't surprising that your health issues will impact your sexual desires (for both of you). Wanting to be wooed is totally understandable but If he is doing everything at home then he may be tired - asking him to also woo you is adding more to his plate. He also may also want to be wooed.
It sounds like therapy could be useful to help you manage your very understandable feelings about your illness and the impact on your lives. Are you taking steps on this front?
Would it be possible for you to get the odd night away from the teens to reconnect? Even if just down the road given health issues. Having a nap in a nice hotel room or a daytime bath can feel decadent and sensual whereas having a nap at home in pjs just feels like being ill. A change of scene can also help temporarily with some chronic fatigue conditions (appreciate this may not be your experience). Perhaps if you wooed him a bit he may reciprocate. Best of luck. Chronic fatigue is truly awful so you have my sympathies.

crude questions like "fancy letting me have a smash at you?" or "can I stick my rod in your bod?" *

and you wonder why people have affairs and move on. (you , not him!)

Who is being unreasonable? him because you told him it makes you uncomfortable. If you were making jokes he finds disgusting, you would be BU.

It’s not the best way to get a woman into bed, I’ll give you that. But it sounds like he does a lot and maybe this is his “humour” he’s using as he doesn’t know how to start a proper conversation on things.

It’s the summer holidays. Give the kids some money for the cinema so you have some peace and talk. It’s easy for him to just be seen as your carer not your partner.

I have fibro so totally get where you are coming from. I’m single and to be honest the last thing I’d like to do is have sex right now- it would get in my way of naps!

Not good. I had a husband who did this. He was early twenties so probably grew out of such crass behaviour. I wasn't there to find out.

Depends how playful and jokey your relationship is overall I guess. I wouldn’t be bothered about comments like that, sometimes I’d laugh other times I’d just roll my eyes BUT I enjoy jokes and banter with my husband we have always done it.