My DH and I have been together for 20 years, married for 12, have two teenage kids and for the last few years our sex life has ground almost to a halt 😩 This is partly due to having teenagers who seem to always be awake and within earshot! But also partly due to me 'not being in the mood' and my DH seems to have lost the ability to woo me! Instead, after a few beers, he will blurt out crude questions like "fancy letting me have a smash at you?" or "can I stick my rod in your bod?" I am finding these increasingly annoying and a complete turn off. He says he's only joking and I shouldn't take the comments literally but I can't move past their crudeness. Who is being unreasonable?
A bit of background for context...15 years ago I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia but over the last 9 years my symptoms have really affected our lives. I used to be an active, highly energetic person with constant get up and go, who loved being a mum and wife and all the mundane tasks that come with family life. I am now no longer able to work, am in constant pain, get exhausted by even the slightest amount of activity and can't remember the last time I haven't needed at least one 3-4 hour nap a day. My DH has been absolutely amazing, caring for me and our DCs, taking on all the cooking and cleaning duties and never complaining. Unfortunately, I haven't taken the changes so well! I suffer from a severe lack of self esteem and feel completely useless when I can't find the energy to care for my family. I have also piled on the weight over the last few years which has left me feeling disgustingly unattractive. My DH is constantly telling me to be kinder to myself and not put so much pressure on myself to pretend nothing has changed. I can't help but feel like a huge burden to my DH and that obviously has had a severe impact on my sex drive. He says he doesn't want to pester me for sex when I'm obviously tired and in pain but I'm interpreting that as he doesn't find me attractive anymore. It sometimes feels like he can't bring himself to come near me unless he's had a few drinks and even then he just wants a quickie to satisfy the urge for a while! Am I being unreasonable to want to be made to feel attractive and wanted by my DH when he spends all his time working and caring for me and our family?
Or am I over-thinking this whole situation? Is he being kind and considerate by not expecting our sex life to be unchanged by my illness? Do all long term relationships, especially when teenage children are thrown into the mix, suffer a blip in their sex life and actually it's got nothing to do with my illness? Should I forgive the sometimes crude comments as he is otherwise a fantastic, caring DH?
Sorry for the long essay but I hope you understand my dilemma!
YABU - my DH is doing a fantastic job caring for the family and I should cut him some slack over his lack of romance.
YANBU - my DH's comments are inappropriate and I am right to be turned off by them.