AIBU to not meet up with obnoxious relatives who ask insensitive questions?

[annoyingunclesdrama]

I'm currently visiting family abroead with my DS who's 6. I have many relatives here but one set of uncle and auntie who are frankly obnoxious yet my parents always insist we should meet up with them despite them- and their children, so my cousins- being really rude to me, keep asking me when I'll have another child (very painful for me as I always wanted more than one but couldn't due to infertility) they have now arranged for me and my son to meet them at a village fete tomorrow and I'm absolutely dreading it. They're those kind of people who totally drain you, and I am afraid they'll ask about my family size again and me having to hold back tears. If I refuse to go there'll be drama. AIBU to duck out of it even if I'd only have to meet them for a few hours? Or shall I suck it up and just go to keep the peace?

Oh no, it’s such a shame you’re going to be ill that day ☹️😉

I'd make a excuse not to go. Life is too short to spend time with horrible people.

Assuming you are an adult and nobody has any hold over you then do what is best for you. No is a complete sentence.

I hope you recover from your infectious tummy bug soon OP. 💐

Go, and if they start, tell them directly that they are rude and should keep their fucking awful questions to themselves like normal adults do. Literally practise saying it beforehand.

If they don't react well, walk away from them. There and then. This is your life too and your feelings matter, you don't have to keep up appearances for anybody, especially for people who know these folk treat you like shit and never challenge it, and ignore your feelings. Be your own ungovernable and strong self, who doesn't need to explain anything 💪 (ps. It's also good for your child to see you assertively deal with such people, family or not, they don't get to tread on your feelings ever again, if you decide so)

Don't go. You are an adult and can make your own choices. You don't have to do stuff you don't want to do. Let other people be aggrieved/ upset. They will get over it.
Look after your own feelings as your family clearly aren't.

Option 1 - “you’ve asked that before. Stop asking”
Be As rude and as obnoxious as they are.

Option 2: You feel ill and couldn’t possibly attend

Option 3: Go, repeat past experiences and waste a day feeling upset.

Personally, I’d do option 1 in tbe hope it knocks it all on the head but am aware some family dynamics etc make this difficult

But you just decide you don’t want to go. Why are others organising your outings? If it were me, I’d tell them to stop asking, it’s personal, how bloody rude are you, why do you keep asking, what has it got to do with you how much sex I’m having with my Dh etc, but I don’t take shit from others.

Could you be quite deadpan with them. "There won't be another baby. I have seripis fertility issues and have had a variety of invasive tests, involving my cervix, fallopian tubes and vagina. Would you like the exact details about how many people have had a look and a prod and with what instruments?". I find this all distressing and your constant questions don't help me come to terms with it.

I agree, it's such a shame to be under the weather on such a lovely day. Tell them now, as last minute cancellations are annoying, but you've been feeling just dreadful and don't want to pass your virus onto anyone else.

Protection from emotionally vampiric relatives is a sensible form of self care.

I’d

a) also have a stomach bug or

b) go. But practice the ball batting skills before I went including “why do you think some people don’t have another child” with a hard stare.
People who like to ask a lot of uncomfortable questions tend not to like it when the questions are batted back to them.

Yes I would go with option 1. Practise a few responses to the questions you think most likely to occur so that you can deliver them calmly without getting upset.

"You do know that is a really insensitive and personal thing to ask someone don't you? And yet you keep doing it!"

"My goodness that was rude. Do you always speak without thinking?"

Or the old Mumsnet favourite "Did you mean to be so rude?"

If your parents don't like you responding to the relatives in this way perhaps they will stop forcing meet ups.

I would say something quite shocking/rude/unexpected to them if they ask about it again...

"Why are you so invested in my uterus?"
"Do I ask you about medical issues?"
"Have you heard of secondary infertility? Its breaking my heart, especially when people are so insensitive to constantly ask"
"Dont you know thats really rude to ask?"
"Did you mean to be so intrusive?"

Sometimes putting them in their place or making them feel awkward is mildly satisfying

“Crikey, Mary, that’s an extremely personal question!!!”
“Goodness me, you guys are obsessed with my fertility! How strange!!”
“insert response re multiple miscarriages and how traumatic they have been, so what an usual question to ask someone in public ”
”oh, why do you ask?”

These have worked for me OP with a very overbearing side of the family. I tend to couple it with a confused look/ head tilt. They don’t ask any more.

I've got my one lovely DS and he is more than enough for me. He is my world. Shame you don't share the same opinion.
And walk off.

The family you are staying with are equally part of the problem if there would be drama if you refuse the meet up.

So I wouldn't make an excuse around illness etc - they might then invite the Obnoxious ones to the house for dinner or something, with fewer opportunities for distraction.

It's a fete. Keep constantly busy with stalls, things to watch and do. A sudden keen interest in everything from poncho weaving to budgie training.

And have some phrases ready. 'Obnoxious' people who are pushy set a standard for pushing back equally hard.

"Actually my family circumstances are not up for discussion and that's the end of it"
"My family size was not my choice and I will not be discussing the circumstances - that's final"
"We've had this conversation" and walk away.

All very calmly and politely but firmly.

Other nonsense, smile and nod. say 'really/' and 'interesting' etc, while imagining that you are coated in Teflon and every sentence of their draining nonsense just slides off you without sticking or engaging.

I would just tell your parents that you don't like them and you're not going. Why does there have to be drama? You're an adult, you make your own decisions. I have relatives I don't like, and I don't see them. It makes life a lot easier.

If you have difficulty asserting your autonomy with your parents, that's something you need to address.

Thank you. I think it all goes very deep as I live in the UK and I'm not always here so I want to please my parents when I am here.

I realise as I am typing this out this might be part of the problem really!

That set of relatives have 4 children (my cousins), of which all of them have stayed around, married farmers and have had several children each again so they always kind of berate me for having gone abroad and to university and living a different life to them. It's a shame really. We used to be close as children and play.

Oh I love this response and it's so true! Thank you 😍

You be the first to know if we have another child so i would appreciate you not asking me anymore or that is a very intrusive question.

Didn’t you write about this a couple of weeks ago OP? About your cousins and how they are rude and jealous/dismissive of your life in the UK?

I have never got people's obsession with why only children are only children. You would never ask someone with two children 'why did you need the second one?' Families come in all sizes!

Never thought about it this way, that's very true! Noone would dream of asking this!

I have not posted about this before, no. Maybe there are more people out there with rude cousins than I realised😂I highly doubt my relatives are jealous of me to be honest

Lose them in the crowd