Row over partner's new job

[MyPlumHelper]

I was inspired by another thread - this one, https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5561297-aibu-to-resent-dhs-new-job-and-how-hes-changed

because incidentally, I joined a few days ago, and have struggled to post about my situation and what I want to even ask on this site. So this thread inspired me to just post. Clearly, lots of other people have this type of relationship issue.

I'm not accustomed to using forums, but my friends will inevitably be biased. So I wondered if I should put it to a hive mind instead.

I'm not happy with my partner's new choice of job and it has caused an enormous amount of friction between us, including a row that nearly split us up. I am of the view, it didn't have to come to this.

We don't live together. We don't have any plans to live together.Or have children. So please no comments on that we are comfortable with the relationship the way it is.

We works in a big city and he works from home most of the time.He comes into the office once or twice a week and those are our date nights.We also spend every weekend together. We've been met each other's friends and families.And are very much a part of each other's lives and have been together coming up 4 years.

I can work from home and do occasionally, but i'm more office based, but that's my choice.

The job he has taken is well outside of city and in his local town. He didn't tell me about it when he first found it because he thought I would have a problem with it. Not going to lie, I wasn't thrilled at prospect, but i'm of the view.It just warranted an open discussion about what that meant for us.

Our date nights are very much a large part of our relationship.And it might cause problems if he wanted to come to london after work.If he's going to be on site five days a week now, well out of london. There is a train link, but still, what if he's delayed.

Ultimately, though, it's his job and if that's what he wants to do with his career, then so be it.

I expected to have a discussion about the job and how it would impact our relationship but what happened is, he didn't tell me he was doing it, and I caught him doing it on his computer one weekend. It was so obviously a job application and he was doing it in the lounge.

We discussed it, he apologised for lying and said he would keep me informed. It then starts turned into the shouting match a few days later in public after one of our dates, when he'd been off with me and he said he's really excited about this job, and all I care about is how it would affect my life.

We met up and had a heart to heart about it.And we discussed if it was salvageable, given the way he spoke to me.But after that, i've never felt comfortable.Discussing the job because of the lying and the shouting, it's not something I want to get involved in.

We're at stalemate and at the beginning, he was reassuring me that he had always come into the city to spend time with me and now he's saying, we'll need to see, because his life is going to be centred around this job.

The other problem is with the job that in terms of deskilling, it's a fall off Mount Everest in terms of how beneath him this job is. I don't want to go into the details but believe me, i've looked it every which way and this job might not actually pass probation he's too over qualified for it and I don't think they need him long term. It's a new role, so it's not tried and tested.I can't tell you how I know without giving detailed.I'm not prepared to give it just doesn't look like it's long term, and it would work being given to it a short term contractor who then leaves the business to run the processes themselves.

I don't really want to have to deal with him.Unemployed and the fallout that would come with that because his mental health is quite fragile anyway

He's also absolutely furious with me for daring to have an opinion on where he works. He clearly just wants a cheerleader. Whereas i think a partner (and that is what he calls me- his partner) should be open and honest and discuss these things together.

If I told him I was leaving my job and going to a much lesser company and a much lesser role, I would fully expect him to say to me, do you really want to do this and talk it through with me.That's what a partner's for. My having an opinion on what might be like to him has been seen as intrusive and unwelcome.

He's massively offended by me having an opinion at all on matters related to him

I know people will probably say just to bring the relationship to an end, and you're probably right.But before I do that, any tips or suggestions for things to say or do.

Sorry for the inevitable typos that come with this, I am dyslexic and I use speech recognition so, I can't help how it's come out and I not notice the errors anyway. At work, I have much more sensitive speech recognition technology than this.

Sorry, not sure what my am I being unreasonable is the.M I i guess am I being unreasonable to be upset about how it was handled?And that is going to change our relationship or am I just a demon who should just blindly support what my partner wants to do.

So he’s taken a lesser skilled and presumably lesser paid job and is angry when you point it out?

and you’re also worried he won’t bother to travel in twice a week to see you?

I would shut up for now and then as soon as you get the excuses about travelling in to London you then realise that he prefers this job over the life he currently has being in London and you ———-> exit.

Its only slightly more money but a massive downgrading skill.So if he takes this job and it doesn't work out, then he's out of the industry, which is fast moving.

The difficulty with the job that I cannot explain it on here, because it's just too much detail that I don't see it being a long term role. I know the industry, and it's the type of role where you get somebody in to set up the processes short term.And after that, they will run themselves, you don't need a full time permanent person to do this.

My worry is he'll be unemployed by christmas and won't last probation when they realise they don't need him.

Initial worry was what about our date nights twice a week, will you really want to come in town after working all day on site.But it's morphed into something else.

You're right, though I'll just have to see how it goes.And if he shows signs of not bothering to come into see me, then we know where this is headed.

Perhaps a general am i being unreasonable? Am I really being that unkind to not be a blind cheerleader? Partners really just expected to blindly accept whatever choice their partner makes without saying anything. No matter how ill advised, it might be. Get that we don't live together. So it doesn't affect me financially, but still given the lights of time together.And that he calls me his partner.I don't think it's absolutely none of my business or that me having any sort of opinion at all would be taken as an insult.

@MyPlumHelper

Do you not have confidence in him to know what he's doing?
Can you not travel to see him?

Does he actually see you as a partner? I mean, I know he calls you that, but your relationship sounds more like you are just dating tbh.

Given that you don't have any shared commitments or responsibilities, and presumably no shared finances etc, I lean towards the view that where he chooses to work is entirely his business, and not really something for you to pass comment on.

If he comes in to the city less often and it impacts on the number of dates that you can have, then I guess it's for you to decide whether or not you want to carry on dating him?

You don’t live together so he isn’t your partner. I wouldn’t expect someone who isn’t a partner to have any say in my career decisions. And if they tried to kick off like you have, I wouldn’t be in a relationship with them any more.

Ah, that common derogatory comment that unless you live together, you're not a partner, move along, please

This.
If his choice means you don't date much anymore, you can date other men, or no one, I really wouldn't give it much thought.

It's fine for the two of you not to live together or make a permanent commitment. Well done both of you on that. But you can't then expect to be able to pretty much dictate to this man where and how he lives his life, including his job, which is obviously a key part. I mean, I'd think twice about saying anything of this nature to my husband, who I've lived with for decades.
It strikes me that you want the best elements of both single life, and being in a couple, and that's just not possible. There will be other places you can meet, rather than him just coming into London at your convenience. If he really is your partner, please support him and respect his choices!

You’re being completely unreasonable and sound controlling.
You don’t live together so his finances have little impact on you (unless he can’t afford to do things). He has said he will still come to meet you and you could always go to him.
it sounds like you don’t trust him to make his own career choices and you are just worried about how this affects you.

You are being controlling. You need to end the relationship because it’s bringing out the worst in you.

this doesn’t sound like an adult attitude to a relationship at all.

It’s obv not about just the date night but about the fact he isn’t treating you as a partner. Why did he take this job? Did he lose the previous one?

At least you’ve got your own house and independence so no practical or financial bonds if it doesn’t work out x

It sounds like you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

It’s not a derogatory comment, it’s a statement of fact. He clearly doesn’t see the relationship as a partnership either.

You sound controlling to me. It’s his choice, he’s moving to a Job he’s excited for and pays more, there is no need for you to be so utterly horrible about it. Even fantasitising he will be unemployed. It reads like what he thinks all yoire fussed about is your date nights.

Well neither does she, partners support each other, not rip each other apart as she is,

I don’t think you were unreasonable to voice your opinion on his career after all you have been together for 4 years not 4 months. My DH has voiced his opinion on my career at times and vice versa. Ultimately my DH and I have the final say over our own careers but we give each other the respect to hear the other person out without losing our temper.

You will find out how much your partner values the relationship by how much time/effort he makes to see you for date nights and whether he’s available for you going over to see him. So just wait and see what happens and how you feel before rushing into any decisions about ending the relationship.

That was rude. The previous poster was correct, you aren't partners, partners, whether they live together not, have shared lives, they don't have dates.

YABVU and honestly you’re coming across as controlling.

Unless I had children with someone or lived with someone and the new salary didn’t cover my half of the bills, then it is absolutely nothing to do with my DP what job I do.

If a man had the same opinions as you over my new job then I would honestly be rethinking the entire relationship.

Yes it was convenient that he worked near where you lived but there’s nothing stopping you from just taking in turns to go to each others homes.

You’re acting like he’s moving country.

You don’t live together and don’t share finances so what exactly are you partnering in? Sex?

You sound very controlling. It’s his life and career, you don’t really get a say.

Absolutely this 👏👏

I'm with your partner. His career is none of your business. I wouldn't even think to consult a partner I wasn't living with. I wouldn't call him not telling you about his application a lie. A lot of people don't broadcast a job application.
You have made this all about you but it isn't really anything to do with you.

But kindly, you’re girlfriend boyfriend.

you have no plans to ever progress past this point. That’s not life partner material at all.

I think it’s a hard one because you don’t live together, so presumably no shared finances, and so the discussion about a new job probably doesn’t feel necessary for him, I don’t think it would for me either?

I would discuss any job changes with my husband and I know he would with me but that’s because it would impact our household, finances, kids, logistics. I wouldn’t feel I had to discuss a job change with someone I have one date night a week with & then spend weekends with because really the weekends (assuming new job is Mon-Fri) won’t be impacted by job change and one date night a week isn’t a major part of my life, certainly not enough to negate the benefits of a job I want.

I'm not one who says you can't be partners without living together. My mum and stepdad never lived together, even after they married, and they were definitely partners.

But it really doesn't sound like you to are partners @MyPlumHelper . If two "date nights" a week Fe causing so much consternation, then it sounds like these make up a significant part, if not the bulk of your time spent together at the moment. If that's the case, then that's not partnership, your lives aren't joined together. You're two separate individuals who see each other a few times a week as boyfriend and girlfriend. In which case, I don't think you really get much of a day in whether he takes a job or not