Row over partner's new job

[MyPlumHelper]

I was inspired by another thread - this one, https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5561297-aibu-to-resent-dhs-new-job-and-how-hes-changed

because incidentally, I joined a few days ago, and have struggled to post about my situation and what I want to even ask on this site. So this thread inspired me to just post. Clearly, lots of other people have this type of relationship issue.

I'm not accustomed to using forums, but my friends will inevitably be biased. So I wondered if I should put it to a hive mind instead.

I'm not happy with my partner's new choice of job and it has caused an enormous amount of friction between us, including a row that nearly split us up. I am of the view, it didn't have to come to this.

We don't live together. We don't have any plans to live together.Or have children. So please no comments on that we are comfortable with the relationship the way it is.

We works in a big city and he works from home most of the time.He comes into the office once or twice a week and those are our date nights.We also spend every weekend together. We've been met each other's friends and families.And are very much a part of each other's lives and have been together coming up 4 years.

I can work from home and do occasionally, but i'm more office based, but that's my choice.

The job he has taken is well outside of city and in his local town. He didn't tell me about it when he first found it because he thought I would have a problem with it. Not going to lie, I wasn't thrilled at prospect, but i'm of the view.It just warranted an open discussion about what that meant for us.

Our date nights are very much a large part of our relationship.And it might cause problems if he wanted to come to london after work.If he's going to be on site five days a week now, well out of london. There is a train link, but still, what if he's delayed.

Ultimately, though, it's his job and if that's what he wants to do with his career, then so be it.

I expected to have a discussion about the job and how it would impact our relationship but what happened is, he didn't tell me he was doing it, and I caught him doing it on his computer one weekend. It was so obviously a job application and he was doing it in the lounge.

We discussed it, he apologised for lying and said he would keep me informed. It then starts turned into the shouting match a few days later in public after one of our dates, when he'd been off with me and he said he's really excited about this job, and all I care about is how it would affect my life.

We met up and had a heart to heart about it.And we discussed if it was salvageable, given the way he spoke to me.But after that, i've never felt comfortable.Discussing the job because of the lying and the shouting, it's not something I want to get involved in.

We're at stalemate and at the beginning, he was reassuring me that he had always come into the city to spend time with me and now he's saying, we'll need to see, because his life is going to be centred around this job.

The other problem is with the job that in terms of deskilling, it's a fall off Mount Everest in terms of how beneath him this job is. I don't want to go into the details but believe me, i've looked it every which way and this job might not actually pass probation he's too over qualified for it and I don't think they need him long term. It's a new role, so it's not tried and tested.I can't tell you how I know without giving detailed.I'm not prepared to give it just doesn't look like it's long term, and it would work being given to it a short term contractor who then leaves the business to run the processes themselves.

I don't really want to have to deal with him.Unemployed and the fallout that would come with that because his mental health is quite fragile anyway

He's also absolutely furious with me for daring to have an opinion on where he works. He clearly just wants a cheerleader. Whereas i think a partner (and that is what he calls me- his partner) should be open and honest and discuss these things together.

If I told him I was leaving my job and going to a much lesser company and a much lesser role, I would fully expect him to say to me, do you really want to do this and talk it through with me.That's what a partner's for. My having an opinion on what might be like to him has been seen as intrusive and unwelcome.

He's massively offended by me having an opinion at all on matters related to him

I know people will probably say just to bring the relationship to an end, and you're probably right.But before I do that, any tips or suggestions for things to say or do.

Sorry for the inevitable typos that come with this, I am dyslexic and I use speech recognition so, I can't help how it's come out and I not notice the errors anyway. At work, I have much more sensitive speech recognition technology than this.

Sorry, not sure what my am I being unreasonable is the.M I i guess am I being unreasonable to be upset about how it was handled?And that is going to change our relationship or am I just a demon who should just blindly support what my partner wants to do.

I saw your post about him asking you to call each other partner

so what’s happening here is he’s giving you a title that means more than he’s actually giving/allowing you.

i was with my now H for 10 years until we got married last month, he would call me his wife despite the fact we were not married, which kind of irked me at times, it’s like giving the relationship a higher level of commitment than he’s actually committed to. But we lived together already 8 years, we’re pretty much inseparable, and are older and retired. FWIW, girlfriend in her now late 50s is weird, partner - to me - is too cold and “right on”

i understand what you’re saying about the words partner vs girlfriend. I get it, but in your case, the description of a relationship isn’t matching the actual energy and commitment. He’s kind of future faking without promising anything for the future, to me it smacks of more like a place holder, keeping you around in his life for his own enjoyment and convenience. If you’re not planning a future together, then there’s a problem

is this really all YOU want? This hands off, see you a couple of times a week atrangement? This is the time to really take stock of where you are in your life and where you want to be in 10 years from now.

Hes not the right person for you. Get rid. He won't change

I should have said nil about it and just blindly supported him in this.

for a boyfriend, perhaps, someone you don’t live with, aren’t planning to, no kids, ever (?), yeah, kinda not your place

the issue is this word partner, it’s conned you into thinking you are more integral to his life than you are. You assumed he felt the same as you did, but this issue has shown you clearly that he doesn’t see your place as important to his decisions etc.

I think you deserve better. Perhaps he’s kind of convinced you that you’re not worthy of a full on, potentially moving in/marriage etc scenario?

Ah, I think you're all right, and you've been helpful in setting some things out for me. The words partner is just semantics, and it was his idea that we start using it because he said boyfriend and girlfriend suggested something transitory

But a relationship is what two people want it to be? And I don't know, maybe I just thought you don't have to live together.In order to be committed to each other.

I do like my space.I do like not having to share a bedroom with a man.And being able to do what I want with my own place?Do I see myself living the rest of my life like that.I don't know. Maybe I would want more companionship done this when i'm older

Maybe I should have posted this in a relationship forum. If there is one on here, it's just the first thread I found that Looks similar what I needed.

I think he should bin you off.

The extra context about the limitations he’s placed on your relationship totally
change the answers you would have received - mine included. I appreciate that you didn’t want to go into every detail. But that’s a significant issue in itself and paints a fuller picture of a man who wants it all on his terms. I think he’s either so self centred he doesn’t see or care how much you’re sacrificing, or he’s trying to sabotage the relationship rather than be the bad guy and end it. Call it a day, and leave him to his own devices, he’s not in the right place for a relationship.

Delightful, should I not bin him off with all of his issues?Or did you just read the first post

Yeah, I'm really sorry about that. I did say that i'm not accustomed to posting on forums, and also I have dyslexia, which means I have to use speech rack, and so i was worried about leaving a wall of text.Then, I might not be able to edit because of my dyslexia, and I just kept it as short as I could

Normally, I would be an extremely supportive partner. I would do whatever it took to help them with this. But, you know, I am allowed to be selfish and think of myself in this relationship. And if he's making yet one more decision that makes it more difficult for us to see each other. Whilst calling me his partner and acting is if i'm fully integrated into his life when clearly I am not then I really do need to think.

Is there a relationship section on here?I guess I should have used that instead.But it's the first thing I found

You move along. You can't post on a public forum then tell people not to reply!

I will hold my hands up, I did. Had that info been in your OG post I would have said you should bin him off. He sounds like hard work, in your first post I thought you were being awkward given you don’t live together, share finances etc but now I’ve read through all your replies, what does he bring to the table?

Please ignore the rude comments. People are glossing over the fact that he lied to op.

If you want to carry on the relationship (which I wouldn’t if anyone ever screamed at me in public), then ultimately you’ll just have to see what happens. If he stops travelling in to see you, then you have your answer showing how he feels about your relationship.

Regarding the date nights, couldn't you compromise, one night he comes to London, I e night you go to his, why is it on him to do all the travelling?

You're boyfriend and girlfriend, or manfriend and womanfriend (there isnt really a terminology that fits here), you see each other a couple of times a week for 'dates' and weekends. You dont live together or have shared assets or responsbilities or domestic life as such

No, its not up to you where he works.

The other point of context I want to give in case i'm accused of dripfeding again and I do realise I should have said this.At the start, but i'm dyslexic, and it's hard for me to edit text.So I can't apologise enough. I wanted to keep the text as short as I could.Because i need to be able to read it back easily too.

In case anybody asks, why didn't I put this to bed sooner?I didn't know. I didn't know his true nature. He was very good at masking. The things we talked about on our first date that he showed full enthusiasm for are actual things.He hated and never wishes to do again.But that only came out far later in our relationship.

I could go on, but it's been a very slow process for me to figure out who he really is as he slowly unmasks and it has been insidious rather than obvious. It has been like being in a gradually.Heating bathtub, you boiled alive before you notice it's getting warm.And if I compare how he was on our first date now, it's like he's a different person, but of course, I have feelings for him now.So all bets are off

He speaks about unmasking as if he's the victim that now that he's un hid his needs.And I don't support him with them. I find it deeply hurtful to be expected to support somebody in needs.I didn't know they had and would have thought twice about ever going on a second date with him.If I'd known this at the outset.

He just now comes out with, you know, this about me.And is it a breach of terms and conditions that I didn't tell you sooner?So I really can't win the argument.

Anyway, thanks very much for all the insight.I will say that even the post telling me that I was a complete cow were in some way helpful because, you know i'm on here not to be proven.I'm right if i'm wrong, then i'm quite happy to be told.So, so, thanks all, it's all been very helpful.

Well in that case he isnt capable of having a relationship then, just dump him. Not worth the headspace.

Because people can just switch off feelings with clinical precision, just like that.

There is a Relationships board on Mumsnet but many people like to post on AIBU because it gets more traffic. Regardless of whether commenters agree with you it's often useful to see different opinions. Sometimes it's just helpful to put things down in writing and can confirm what you know deep down already.

Your boyfriend/partner seems to like things on his own terms and have little space for compromise. That may be due to his personality or his mental health issues. You may be fine with this but if it's not making you happy you can (and should) move on.

Well whats the alternative?

I presume you're young, so dont waste your time on this

He has significant MH issues and personality issues.

Do you want that as your future? To be his 'support human'. To come second to emotional instability all the time?

The job is neither here nor there, that isnt the issue here at all. Its him as a person from what you describe.

Unlike the rest of these bizarre comments I don't agree that you need to live together to be partners, but regardless after this:

He didn't tell me about it when he first found it because he thought I would have a problem with it.

It's clear he doesn't see or respect you as a partner. He's offering you crumbs and by the sounds of his "we'll need to see" you're going to be left with even less.

I have severe OCD, but there's only 1 person I've dated that managed to pick up on it because they did nothing but trigger it, we were incomptaible. So don't stay with him because of a potentially fragile mental health impact of being unemployed, if you're triggering his issues to the point where he's screaming at you in the street then he'd probably find it a relief that you left him because he clearly can't manage being in a relationship right now..

Sounds like he's been using his mh issues as an excuse to be deceptive, or at the very least, not acknowledging that's the impact it's had on you, and you having to suffer the effects of that. I actually don't think you did anything wrong in voicing your concerns about the job either. That the kind of thing my spouse it friends would do if it could have a negative impact on someone they cared about.

Whether you are or aren't partners is kind of beside the point; he doesn't see you as his which is more to the point. He didn't discuss moving job with you, is not interested in your opinion and is definitely not happy with you having a go at him about it.

A conversation about where your relationship is headed might be an idea.

Not doing well today, this was in response to @MyPlumHelper

Yes I would expect him to discuss it with you but its ultimately his decision.
You should be willing to travel to him for dates as well though.

Based on what you've posted, you sounds unreasonable and petty. I am also in a living apart together relationship, so I get that this can be as serious as one where you live with your partner. However, it does mean that you don't share a home/finances together, which comes with its benefits. The benefits cut both ways - neither of you gets a say in decisions that don't impact you as much. His job/finances/whether he will be unemployed etc are not of as much concern as if you were living together/shared finances. And, he is perfectly within his rights to pursue any job opportunities he wants, and if that impacts his traveling to see you then you have to renegotiate that. I expect he didn't tell you about applying for the job because he suspected you would react like this.

I totally agree.

Also you seem to have a misplaced committed attitude to a non-commital relationship.

His job, his career are his responsibility and that has nothing to do with you. Your relationship is with him not with his job.

And if he shows signs of not bothering to come into see me, then we know where this is headed. And equally if you show no signs of going to see him just as frequently, then hopefully he'll see where this is going too.