AIBU for warning my boss off hiring a former colleague?

[BashtheBishop]

I have been in my job for a couple of years now. My boss is VERY volatile and seems to be getting worse. Remember when the press used to talk about Alex Ferguson's "hairdryer treatment"? My boss in his worst mood is like a full salon's worth.

I'd leave, but a) it's very good money - better than I'd get elsewhere and b) we both work remotely, which is not only convenient for me, but it means I rarely see him in person. So on I march.

Anyway, on Thursday he called me about an open role we have in the team. He showed me a LinkedIn profile of a former colleague and asked me for my thoughts. I had a sort of involuntary "Uhhhh" noise when I saw her profile, and my face probably told a similar story. He said, "What, she's no good?"

The issue is this. It's not that she's bad at the job - but she is incredibly sensitive to criticism. I remember our boss ending more than one meeting and sending the rest of us out because she'd got upset over some dissent or disagreement and was in tears. You'd see her crying in the office sometimes and think something was really wrong, then when you asked her she'd do this sort of deep breathing, like she was trying to pull herself together, and say "I got this email...". It would turn out to be someone had been a bit snappy or blunt with her; the kind of thing most of us would just roll our eyes at.

She would last a week with my boss, if that. The first time she got one of his real dressing downs she'd be sobbing. Either he would fire her or she would walk out - either way, it would be disastrous. I basically gave my boss a more diplomatic version of the truth and he isn't going to approach her.

I think I've done the right thing. However, I told a friend, who knows what my boss is like, and she was a bit "Hmmmm..." with me about it, saying it was a bit unfair to say not to hire her instead of letting her have a chance and "She might really need a job".

Well one, she didn't apply - my boss was looking to approach her. Two, even if she is out of work at the moment, surely I wouldn't be doing her any favours by recommending her for a job I know she'll hate and where her boss will have instant regrets. And three, although I wouldn't have be providing an official reference, if I hadn't mentioned a major issue and my boss had hired her, that's not great for me.

AIBU?

You did the right thing. Saved yourself and your boss a lot of drama by the sound of it!

You were asked for your opinion and you gave it. No harm done.

Why would your friend (who doesn’t even know the former colleague) care if she ‘really needed a job’?!

If she did, she can apply for some, surely?!

I really wouldn’t listen to her opinion on this about two people she doesn’t know.

You definitely did the right thing. The worse case scenario would be her leaving a job in which she's happy and finding herself shouted at by your boss once a week. You saved everyone from a load of stress here

I've done something similar in that I've told the boss that someone has "exaggerated " their cv. I was asked and was shown their cv. I gave an honest opinion.

Remember op its likely you might be a) blamed for her reactions and not warning him. B) have to sort out half finished work

Well, she's a good friend and a very kind person - but sometimes that kindness trips over into never wanting to be negative about anything or anyone. Which is admirable in many ways, but means she doesn't always get situations like this.

Unless your former colleague has undergone a personality transplant I think you have done her a favour. You could have let your boss make contact but then I would have felt I needed to warn her about his likely behaviour and that would have been even messier.

This - your knowledge of this person told you that she would not be a good fit for the team so that’s what you said, thereby saving everyone a lot of grief.

Being ‘nice’ and only saying positive things, rather than the truth, very often only results in more trouble later down the line, and makes someone inherently untrustworthy. It is, at best, naive. Perhaps though the ‘be kind!’ friend is a secret agent of chaos and is annoyed you’re denied her the inevitable drama (I’m joking about your friend, but I have encountered some of this type that are motivated by fuckery).

Your boss asked for your honest opinion because he wanted your honest opinion. If you’d have said ‘oh, she’s great!’ and he’d gone ahead only for it to end up just as you suspect it would, then he would hardly be inclined to trust your judgement in future.

But wasn't it unprofessional of you to blab to your friend about a confidential work situation?

If I'd shared the ex-colleague's name, where she works now, details of the role and more, and if she had any connection of any kind to our industry, then maybe.

Just casually mentioning a work issue to a mate? I don't think I've broken the Official Secrets Act 🙄

I intervened to stop my company hiring a revolting sex pest who openly discussed using prostitures at work.
I was not asked about hires made by a manager colleagues regarding 2 hires - one I worked with before and he was very difficult ( this also proved the case at my firm) the second was a woman renouned for being a poor performer and issuing serial grievance complaints. After a reshuffle I unfortunately ended up managing the grievance queen and had to put her on a performance improvement plan. She scraped through it but it was very time consuming and she was never going to be a strong team member.
I did stronglyvrecommend other colleagues

Ah, I see. Maybe don’t discuss ‘situations like this’with her in future!

The flip side of ‘what if she needed a job?’ is ‘what if she leaves her current job for this job and gets fired in the first two weeks?’

I’ve done similar on numerous occasions.

Nah, you're fine. My job also pays exceptionally well, and I also ward off anyone who asks about working there with "NO ITS NOT WORTH IT SAVE YOURSELF," because its the most hideous environment.

Exactly my view. It's not like I'm doing this out of spite; apart from her occasional histrionics, I actually quite like my ex-colleague. But I just know they job is wrong for her, and vice versa. The alternative would have been to contact her to warn her off instead, but I'd be putting myself at risk doing that.

Also, it won't have done my boss any harm to hear that there are people who wouldn't be able to handle his behaviour...

You were definitely not unreasonable to share your opinion with your boss when he asked for it. You did the right thing. However I think you were a bit unprofessional discussing this with an external outside your organisation.

Good grief, do you really never talk about work to friends or family?

My friend doesn't know the colleague's name, where she works now, what the role was... she's hardly privy to state secrets.

You did the right thing in this context.

If it was the kind of scenario where the boss had a shortlist of the best 5 applicants and the boss asked your opinion about one of them, I would keep schtum because the boss wouldn't have similar knowledge about the other 4.

But this is not that kind of thing.

It IS being kind to keep sensitive people away from utter nutjobs like your boss.

I speak to friends about my busy workload, the tricky commute, lunch options, the recent training day, or ask advice about career progression ( to name a few) . But something potentially sensitive such as recruitment, potential candidates, employment, interviews, I would not ever share outside work.
what if your friend passed on your thoughts to the potential candidate?

I think yabu. Your boss gets angry to deal with his emotions, she cries to deal with hers.I'd have stuck to how well she can do the job.

It’s definitely kind to warn people to avoid difficult people! We need to be putting obstacles in the way of difficult people, as a deterrent to them continuing in the same vein.

Without even knowing her name? She's not Doris Stokes!