Unsolicited wedding opinions

[Hairy09]

Has anyone else found that once you've announced your wedding, some people seem to have a very strong and unwanted opinion about how xyz should be done?
A friend in our circle is like this, we've had comments to our face and behind our back about how we've chosen this and that. Comments about our venue "but how are they going to do this???' 'Why haven't they got that???'

Pressuring us "you need to pay for XYZ 12 months in advance" 'you need to start booking this' Are you going to pay it for us?
We've just been repeating 'we're fine thanks/we've got it sorted'. It's overbearing and intrusive, weddings are whatever you make them, you could get married in a pair of jeans with 2 people, or you can spend 4 years planning it and spend 50 grand, the choice is yours.

Some people seem to think there is a wedding 'template' where you absolutely must do abc because 'that's what people do'. We've got no interest in all the traditions and just want to do what suits us. Anyone else had this or got advice?

I was told repeatedly by a family member to do things my way as it’s my wedding…..until what I did didn’t suit them….

Looking back, I wish I'd just eloped! Should've spent the money getting married on a beach in Hawaii.

That sounds very familiar...

I think some people are well meaning, trying to give you the benefit of their experience, I suppose. But yes, it does get wearing.
Sometimes it's not until later you realise you could have made a better choice. But that's the thing. They are all your choices. Have a lovely wedding, your way. 👰‍♀🤵‍♂️

Luckily we didn’t have any of this! We’re both quite headstrong so if anyone had suggested anything we’d have nodded politely and still done our own thing anyway!! Our wedding was exactly what we wanted and looking back I wouldn’t change a thing! (except I had to invite my crazy aunt I still wouldn’t change it though as she is still a close relative)
DH and I have a saying “smile and wave, smile and wave” when people are talking shite you don’t want to hear!

YANBU. When we told everyone we weren’t going to have a cake everyone was up in arm. Literally everyone we told.

We’ve been married 14 years now and sometimes turn to each other and say ‘I’m so pleased we didn’t have a cake at our wedding’ 😂

How rude of them! You absolutely do not need the traditional wedding stuff. So much of it is wasteful imo. Wedding favours generally go in the bin eventually, (with some exceptions, eg food and maybe homemade personalised things). I love a simple wedding which is just about the couple and their loved ones

I wish we had no guests at all.
Don't tell people anything, even if you're excited and want to talk about it, do that with your fiancé.

For anyone else keep it vague and bland 'hm, not sure yet/ok/I'll keep it in mind/mm, maybe/I don't know' and utterly disregard anyone's opinion.
(You're already telling them 'we're fine thanks' which is the perfect answer!)

Yes just do what you want. Even if you try and accommodate people's wishes they will still pick about things and moan. Both sets of our parents were unreasonable and demanding. Two of the bridesmaids were a pain and moaned a lot. Some guests moaned about no plus one (we didn't invite anyone we hadn't actually met). I wish we had eloped too and told them all to fuck off. My sister actually did elope a few years later, citing the crap we had to deal with over our wedding.

I was surprised to find even people who weren't particularly involved saw for to express negative opinions. I was in my boss' car one day travelling to a meeting and I excitedly pointed out the church we were getting married in. He said "why on earth are you getting married THERE? It's hideous." I mean how bloody rude!

It also is typically aimed at women.

same with pregnancy and child rearing everyone has a opinion

We didn’t have any guests and eloped properly for that reason. I only need the opinion of one person besides myself if we’re spending a couple of grand thank you.

This wouldn’t bother me, I have the confidence to say things like…

‘Oh god, wedding harpists aren’t my cup of tea!’

A sweet cart? How naff! It’s my wedding not a kids party.

A magician? Fuck no. Not the vibe I’m going for at all.

Good lord, nothing worse than a fat, tattooed bridesmaid with a vape. LOL!!

Put people in their place! They soon shut up!

I had someone set up her own Pinterest board for ideas for MY wedding despite the fact I already had my own. It was crazy.

It really depends on what the xyz is. I'd agree 90% or so of the time, yes butt out, your tastes or preferences are irrelevant. There are some really awful ideas that brides and grooms have and I don't think it's unreasonable to ask relevent questions.

Like I remember a thread where someone was invited to a wedding where they weren't using caterers but expecting all 200 of the guests to bring a dish. I wouldn't criticise but I'd be asking, "won't that be difficult for people travelling from hours away?" "Where is all that food going to be stored during the ceremony?"

This is exactly what one of my parents is going to do and my plan is to hopefully go 'you told me to do what I want and you are reading negative intent into my choices when there are none intended, so I dont appreciate of being accused of having feelings or intentions that just arent true'
I am living in deep denial that this will land at all, obviously!

It’s good training for having children if that’s what you’re planning 😉

Honestly, just smile and say you’ll certainly keep that in mind.

Occasionally someone will make a suggestion that is sensible and practical that you might not have considered so don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

The trick is don't announce it in the first place then no one will know. We got married in a Rathaus in Germany, DH called my family on the way home to say, 'I can call you my Mother in Law now, we just got married'. They like it or lump it.

I think a lot of it is assuming everyone wants the insta-pefect day so they fixate on every tiny detail and assume everyone must want the same. I have no interest in that, I just want to be left alone.

They are just excited for you and well meaning. Keep stating your honest thoughts about their ideas. Be strong and communicative. Don't take it as being negative or judgemental.

And if you did want to book a magician, thank that person for the contact...

I think when you are planning a wedding, talking about the wedding is what people do with you. It may come across as bossy or opinionated, but it’s just people who have been through the experience offering their thoughts.

BIL is currently planning MIL’s 70th birthday, which is looking to be more wedding than birthday party. 🙄 BIL is not married, never planned a wedding or child’s party or any big function. He’s gone to a rave or two. That’s about his experience with big events. 😂 I keep watching from afar and seeing the slow motion car crash and trying to offer some words of advice without being a bitch. “The party is in only a month. Have you considered contacting someone for marquee hire?” Current plan is party is a big field, no barns or house or any other structure. 🫣 “So you’re thinking of inviting 50 people, has anyone thought about glass hire and who is going to be washing up the glasses or getting them to and from said field?” “Have you sent out invites yet?” Party is in 4 weeks. At midday on a weekday. About half of guests travelling 2-3 hours, will need accommodation, in the last week of August. 😬 I only got a date and time by chasing it. I’m trying not to be overbearing, but it’s hard when you see someone setting themselves up for absolute chaos.

I doubt this is the case for you, but I would probably see it as people simply making conversation. Weddings and babies are a big topic for small talk.

That said, if you plan to have children, this is very good practice.

"A Fat tattooed bridesmaid with a vape" 😆

We had many opinions for 2 months and then thought stuff it. Instead of waiting a year, we waited 4 months and then had an immediate-family wedding only (18 people including us). We had a big, boozy 'all friends' night out the weekend before as a joint stag/hens and it was great fun. We paid for wine at the table for everyone and the rest was up to them...ended up in nightclub with 20 people from 23 to 70 yrs.

The wedding itself was quiet and very lovely and 30+ years later, we don't regret it.

I can’t vote either way because it depends what people are saying. People definitely offer unsolicited advice and opinions when they aren’t needed but I’ve also been to my fair share of badly organised weddings recently.
If it’s just that you’re a bit alternative and they are traditional I’d just say “no, not for us”, keep it short and sweet with no explanations.

Good lord, nothing worse than a fat, tattooed bridesmaid with a vape. LOL!!

Say what?

Honestly we would have made so many mistakes had we not listened to people who said eg if you don’t have x people don’t notice and you save so much, book x well in advance, get this done in case this happens etc etc. A lot are trying to help. In the same way we ignored a lot of advice I could have done with!!!!