AIBU not to thank BIL and SIL for a belated birthday card

[TTC0405]

We used to be super close to BIL & SIL to the point I was the first two keep both their children for the first time when they were small (individually at young ages). I have since had my own child and we now have very little contact with them and there's been zero help offered the way I helped the. With baby sitting and pick ups etc. my husband and I tried to keep the relationship but can only be a one sided for so long. I still text to ask if the kids are having parties to make sure we are there and the answer has been no, so I ensure present or card is dropped on or before their birthday. It's now 4 months passed my childs 1st birthday and have just been told they've left a card at shared grandparents house. ABIU to not text and say thank you? They've still not went out their way to get my child their gift or seen said child. I think it's horrible that we were worth speaking to when we could aid them with their kids, but now I can't due to my own we have no relationship.

Tbf it does sound transactional. You say you gave them help because you wanted to and you enjoyed it. And now you are annoyed that they aren’t doing the same.

Surely you realise that they are not in a similar position because they already have kids.

In future, if you are keeping some kind of mental ledger to make sure people pay back favours, it’s probably not worth offering to help in the first place.

Your child wouldn’t know what a birthday is at this point so they won’t care either way unless you make it a thing.

Yes this!

We’ve all fallen away from each other in my family, now we’re at the stage where we see each other when we can and remember presents the odd year because we’re just all so busy. Unfortunately from talking to friends this is the way life goes with many. You can accept it or just go on yourself but I love them so we do keep in contact even if it’s not often enough and all the kids probably think their aunties and uncles are crapper now! (My kids and theirs!)

Sorry though, it took a bit of getting used to for me too

Do adults really do this? The kid doesn’t know or care and perhaps the BIL and SIL weren’t aware that the OP only volunteered to help on the understanding that they would repay it.

@TTC0405 I may be wide of the mark here, and I mean this kindly but by your username, is it accurate to think that you had issues with conceiving and/or you have PFB syndrome?

A "thank you for the card" would be the easiest.

I don't know why they are suddenly ignoring you, it's weird but nothing you can do.

You might be a bit over optimistic to have expected help, you were available, they are not not. Your baby is less than 2 years, why would they even offer to help when they are already busy with their own and you only have one?

zero help offered the way I helped the. With baby sitting and pick ups etc. that's too much expectations, sorry.

Forget it and move on. It's not a happy, close family relationship . If there wasn't another house to leave a card at you probably wouldn't have even got one.

But whatever you both decide to do or not to do it will be DH texting so I’d ask him what he prefers to say.
Do you think BIL was probably meant to leave it at the GPs 4 months ago and just realised what the crumpled envelope in the glovebox actually is?

Also, forget the ‘transaction’ aspect. You were happy to help out and shouldn’t be keeping a tally. You’re sounding like the pathetic posters on here who say, mum, you sacrificed everything for me for 30 years but because you won’t drop everything to babysit now I’m not going to help you later on. Don’t be that person!

If you were a happy close family, that wanted to be together, you wouldn't be too busy
It's an excuse saying your busy.
The passion, want and desire to meet up just isn't there.

But they’re not in the same position you were, because they already have 2 children of their own to look after, surely you can see that? In fact you basically say that since having your own DC you haven’t been in a position to help them anymore, so you clearly understand that adding children into the mix changes things. Equally, from their perspective, as soon as you had your own DC your interest in your DN’s dropped off a cliff. If anyone is treating the relationship as transactional in this situation, I’m afraid it seems to be you.