AIBU not to thank BIL and SIL for a belated birthday card

[TTC0405]

We used to be super close to BIL & SIL to the point I was the first two keep both their children for the first time when they were small (individually at young ages). I have since had my own child and we now have very little contact with them and there's been zero help offered the way I helped the. With baby sitting and pick ups etc. my husband and I tried to keep the relationship but can only be a one sided for so long. I still text to ask if the kids are having parties to make sure we are there and the answer has been no, so I ensure present or card is dropped on or before their birthday. It's now 4 months passed my childs 1st birthday and have just been told they've left a card at shared grandparents house. ABIU to not text and say thank you? They've still not went out their way to get my child their gift or seen said child. I think it's horrible that we were worth speaking to when we could aid them with their kids, but now I can't due to my own we have no relationship.

Just for politeness, I’d text and say thanks for card, hope all well. Just brief and to the point.

And to add, I’d now stop buying their children gifts.

No I wouldn’t respond either.My brother didn’t send a card or wish my child a happy birthday when they turned 18 so why should I bother? It’s rubbish when you are expected to make all the effort to maintain relationships. I’m in my 40s now and so done with trying to keep the family “together”.

I think I’d passive aggressively text and say thank you for X’s card, I think you must have the wrong date in your diary though as their birthday was X. I know you wouldn’t miss it deliberately, so thought I should let you know for next year.

No that’s awful. I’d stop with presents for their children too and just send a card.

I would text to say thank you, although you are probably owed a heap of babysitting returns, it rarely works that way.
I would be tempted to say that going forward you won’t be doing presents in the future as you now realise children don’t need extra crap.
This way you are thanking them and saying the present is crap too.

I'd reply with a brief thanks and would stop buying gifts for their kids.

I remembered my nieces and nephews birthdays and bought Christmas gifts when I was childfree. When I had kids, their parents announced they would no longer be 'exchanging' gifts. I haven't seen them in years.

So they couldn’t even be bothered posting it? No I wouldn’t thank them and wouldn’t be reciprocating at all.

Could you thank them for ‘sending a birthday card for ‘x’ to the mutual grandparents ?

Who is related (my money is on the two men being brothers)? That's who should sort it out, not the "who owes who what," but checking in with each other to see what's happened.

How much remembering, communication and gifts would happen if you left it up to DH? It's possible that's what's happened, SIL has just decided that BILs family is his responsibility. It's also possible that there's something going on with them.

If it was friends, I'd let it slide, but family is worth following up with, just not as a "foursome," if that makes sense.

I didn’t know you were to meant to thank people for giving a birthday card, have never done that! And definitely wouldn’t in these circumstances 😂

Really similar experience. My brother had 3rd child a few months before my first. He claimed that I deliberately got pregnant when they were expecting to take the shine off ther family. It didn’t matter that I was in my early 30s and wanted to make a start on my own family, I guess I should have waited for theirs to turn 1 or something before trying?

Looking back I think part of the resentment stemmed from the fact they were relying on me to provide free childcare once SIL returned to work, and it obv scuppered their plans (and finances). It was never discussed but I wouldn’t be surprised if my brother had had it all mapped out and assumed things would go to plan despite not telling me what said plan was.

Needless to say for all his babies I bought thoughtful gifts and cards for their births and subsequent birthdays… he bought one of my kids the same present twice on 2 separate occasions (as in 2 presents the same twice over 4 bdays/xmas). I think he really resented me becoming a parent bc it threatened to take the focus off him and his family for a bit and he refused to even meet my 2nd til they were a few months old. He was the golden child and expected all his kids to be golden grandchildren - which they were until I had my own. All the family occasions we all celebrated together dwindled as soon as I became a parent and had my own kids bc he wasn’t ‘special’ any more and I found I was the one organising everything until I stopped bothering. I love his kids but hate the fact that he enjoyed everyone doting on them while they were small and now the tables have turned he can’t be arsed to show the slightest interest. He’s a massive shit all round if that wasn’t already clear 😂

I sympathise OP.

Firstly, I don't think thanks are usually given for a card, and secondly, you haven't received it yet. So even if you were extra polite, you haven't got anything to be polite about.
Thirdly, as another poster said, the spouse whose family this is should be the one to make any comment. I agree that it's likely to be 2 brothers. Maybe the SiL has told her DH that he needs to be responsible for his own family's cards and presents.
It is pretty unpleasant that they were both happy to accept help from you but have dropped you now you are no longer up for childcare. It's happened to me more than once, and whilst I think it's probably that people are wrapped up in their own lives especially after they have DC, it's still hurtful.

Stop with the presents.
They aren't interested.
Let them off.

Respectfully, OP, you were childfree and presumably had ample free time when you helped out with their children, and you did it voluntarily. They already had two children by the time you had a baby — were you really anticipating they would have time for the same kind of input you did?

When I saw your thread title, I thought you were going to say a week or so belated, but 4 months is just insulting. It’s just going to go straight into the recycling bin, isn’t it? Waste of (not much) effort, money and cardboard.

Do they know they are expected to pay back all the help you gave them? Perhaps they don’t realise.

Stop buying presents for their kids. Matchbthe level of effort!

Stop buying for their kids.

I would either not thank them at all or message “thanks for leaving XX’s birthday card at grandparents hard to believe she is nearly 1 and a half”

I wouldn’t be bothering about gifts for theirs and would follow suit and leave a card at grandparents from now on.

I couldn’t get that worked up over it tbh. I still have my brother’s gifts here from Christmas 😅 we just haven’t seen each other.

I know he has mine and he was out with the mother when he purchased them as well.

I think you should send them a list of all the things you have done for them and explain they need to pay you back now. Because it’s obviously festering that you did them favours (presumably against your own wishes) and they may not know that.

Otherwise, why would you be so transactional?

On the plus side, it’s not like the child will notice, given they are too young to understand the birthday thing.

Yeah the two boys are brothers. I totally get that but we had a friendship I thought but maybe that was naive of me. I know sometimes said I've seen it as transactional but that's not the case. I loved watching their kids and helping out etc. It hurts me that they've never wanted to do that for my child or help us/have a relationship with him. I'm over it now and accepted it for how it is. The sentiment that you don't forget how you were treated in pregnancy and post partum is so real.

Send a half hearted thankyou in 4 months time!