How do you just carry on?

[exhaustedbear]

I am a carer to a disabled child with high needs, I also have a toddler who’s about to turn two and terrible two’s are in full swing, another older child as well and two older stepchildren who pop in several times a week.

I am an introvert and absolutely need time on my own to recharge but we’ve just got back from a 10 day holiday where the kids have stayed up late every evening meaning I haven’t had that time to recharge, the other children have been off school and Dh off work so it’s been solid peopling without a second alone.

Now we are back and I look forward to putting the youngest two to bed and having some evening time to recharge but the step children want to visit in the evening so that’s out the window, usually I would take a walk but I’m soo exhausted I can barely move and just to put the cherry on the top my mum who lives 5 hours away is coming to stay for a week tomorrow and so we’ll be having lots of full days out and she’ll be sitting with us all evening too, this has been arranged a while and we are all looking forward to seeing her as we don’t very often due to distance and she’s had to arrange a carer to look after my dad while she’s here so it’s a well needed break for her too.
I am just so exhausted, I just need a bit of time on my own to recharge but it’s impossible with my own caring responsibilities and the kids home, I genuinely think the holiday has killed me and I need to recover but it’s just not going to happen and I don’t know how long I can just keep on going, my whole body aches and I feel completely physically and emotionally drained.

It’s not one particular thing, it’s just so many demands.
My middle child needs as much care needs as the toddler on the physical side but also has autism so throw in oppositional defiance and meltdowns and sibling squabbles and trying to keep the house together for mums visit while dh has gone back to work today.

You do not ONCE mention your partner and his level of support
The father of your step children!

As an introvert, perhaps you should not have had 3 children and married a man with two children?

You have chosen to have three children and chosen a partner who also has 2 children so you just need to get on with life as life is exhausting some times.

Go for the evening walk. You will feel better afterwards.

Or just have a very early night. Your partner can entertain his own kids.

I get it, my life is very full on, I'm also a carer and it's hard to get a break.

Im a single mum (well I have a boyfriend of 8 years, but my rare alone time is why he won't be moving in any time soon). It doesn't sound like you're a single mum, where is your dp in all of this. He needs to take on his share of the load so you can have some respite.

You need some time to recharge, a lay in of a morning, or a few hours out for coffee, or at the beach or whatever you like to do.

Get your mum to help. Take a break then leave the kids with her for a couple hours?

Op carve out a walk in the evening as PP suggested but aside from that, you are just going to have to lie in the bed you made

I get up at 05:00 sit on my own with a cuppa downstairs with the dog and do a mindfulness do 20 minutes- sounds ridiculous but has been transformative

@Weekendnaughtiness are you always this unhelpful and lacking in empathy.

You can still recharge if your step kids are there though surely? Run a bath then get into bed early to read a book and have an early night.
You don’t need to stay up when you’re tired because your step kids are over.
Even if you’re exhausted it might be good for you to still go for a walk, it will clear your head and then you will sleep better after.

You think being a carer to a disabled child is ‘lying in the bed you made’?
What a tone deaf comment.

Saying what other posters are saying

if you are a serious introvert… don’t have three children
don’t marry a man with two children already

and if you do.. then you just have to crack on and carve out a bit of time when you can snatch it. Like everyone else pretty much 🤷‍♀️

Put the kids to bed and then go and have a soak in a bubble bath and go to bed! Let DH entertain the step children, they're his kids and he can handle it for one night. He can just say you've got a migraine or you're exhausted! You're allowed to rest.

When mum comes, tell her you're feeling really knackered and can't handle a full on week. Tell her you plan on a couple of early nights, she might appreciate the rest too if she's normally caring for your dad. It's really ok to prioritise yourself a bit, others will get over it so stop putting pressure on yourself to keep everyone else happy.

Sure

because that’s what I’m referring to
and not the fact the op chose to have three children and a dh with two children

the main issue seems to be the perfectly healthy step children

but the step children want to visit in the evening so that’s out the window, u

why is that out the window?

First thing to do is drop the sitting up with your step children, that’s your husband job. And he can do some housework etc while he’s at it so you can go to bed and rest ready for the morning. The morning meditation thing is a good idea too it makes a difference. And make sure he gives you an hour to yourself at some point. Changing your perception of a rest is key, it’s not a day in bed any more, it’s ten mins with your eyes shut while it’s quiet, it’s a 15 min mindful soak in a hot bath. Your mum will need to chip in a bit and understand you’re not her handmaid and entertainer, spell eachother off. Your husband is the key here he needs to do more, work or no work.

But she's not wrong. People charge into having multiple children (5) in the combined cases, then moan about the issues that arise

I do go for a walk most evenings but I didn’t have the energy last night, I thought I’d go tonight but now step child is coming in to see us so will expect me to be in and then my mum will be arriving the next day so that won’t be an option for a while.

I often take my oldest child who’s 9 because I don’t find her so draining, I think she’s just easy going.

Dh does help a bit but he gets very stressed and I find that even more draining to be honest.
The step child that is coming is autistic too and very loud and so after a whole day of a whinging toddler and caring for my disabled child who winds up my eldest, it’s just at the time I would be able to put the youngest to bed and relax but then they want to stay up and see people.

My mum is travelling a long way to see us, I don’t want to ask her to babysit as she’s 82 and having a break from her own caring responsibilities to my dad.

And the prize for least helpful advice goes to…..

Yes, you talk about all these things as if they just "happened", without any deliberate decision on your part.

You do not have to be about tonight just because the sc are coming. One night off wont damage anything. Take yourself off to your bedroom for the evening. You need it. The kids can hang out with their dad! He could even take them out for a couple of hours (cinema?).

Sounds like an evening off is essential to the rest of your week being ok!

Well I think it points to the fact that the OP needs to take a less passive approach if she wants anything to change.

You don't just wake up to find you have a husband, three children and two step children. Plus presumably an ex-husband in the mix.

You dont have to stay up though, they can expect it, but you're only one person, you can't be everything to everyone.

Your dh needs to step up and act like a parent. If hes adding to your stress and also not helping then what's the point of him? You would be as well leave and then you'll get at least a day or two a week where he has all of the kids and you can get a break.

Is saying “wow I’m so tired, I’m having an early night” once your own kids are in bed not an option?

I hear you OP - I am the same, exhausted, never seem to get a break.

A while ago my DP and I decided we had to schedule alternate weekends with no plans outside the family as recovery time. This has fallen away but I’m going to start it again, or I am just ground down.

I consider going to work my break. At least I get some moments alone there!

They are not children they are in their 20s and coming to visit, It’s me they ring to say they are coming over to see us so I can’t very well bugger off out.
It’s just at the end of a very exhausting day and I don’t have any energy left since the holiday which was so full on and by the evening when nobody’s been at school or until today work so I’m completely exhausted and now my mum will be here two, it feels like so many people have so many demands from me and I have nothing left to give.