How do you just carry on?

[exhaustedbear]

I am a carer to a disabled child with high needs, I also have a toddler who’s about to turn two and terrible two’s are in full swing, another older child as well and two older stepchildren who pop in several times a week.

I am an introvert and absolutely need time on my own to recharge but we’ve just got back from a 10 day holiday where the kids have stayed up late every evening meaning I haven’t had that time to recharge, the other children have been off school and Dh off work so it’s been solid peopling without a second alone.

Now we are back and I look forward to putting the youngest two to bed and having some evening time to recharge but the step children want to visit in the evening so that’s out the window, usually I would take a walk but I’m soo exhausted I can barely move and just to put the cherry on the top my mum who lives 5 hours away is coming to stay for a week tomorrow and so we’ll be having lots of full days out and she’ll be sitting with us all evening too, this has been arranged a while and we are all looking forward to seeing her as we don’t very often due to distance and she’s had to arrange a carer to look after my dad while she’s here so it’s a well needed break for her too.
I am just so exhausted, I just need a bit of time on my own to recharge but it’s impossible with my own caring responsibilities and the kids home, I genuinely think the holiday has killed me and I need to recover but it’s just not going to happen and I don’t know how long I can just keep on going, my whole body aches and I feel completely physically and emotionally drained.

It’s not one particular thing, it’s just so many demands.
My middle child needs as much care needs as the toddler on the physical side but also has autism so throw in oppositional defiance and meltdowns and sibling squabbles and trying to keep the house together for mums visit while dh has gone back to work today.

Why is it not an option to go for a walk when your mum is visiting the next day? Even half an hour would be better than nothing. When your mum is there, would she be able to go with you? .
In the short term, I would stop this visit from the step-children.
In the long term, you really need to get some outside help - a cleaner, someone to give you respite from your disabled child.

You poor love. I actually can picture your desperation. I assume your husband is the father of the three children. In which case his being overwhelmed doesn't count for anything. Your life sounds like a nightmare. I can't handle one toddler let alone a special needs kid.
Your mother is coming. Surely she isn't expecting to be treated like a guest.
My reaction would be to throw a paddy, storm put and tell the whole lot of them to sort themselves out. But that's my temperament. If you don't give yourself breathing room you will collapse.
One Saturday just leave a note and go out for the day. Sit quietly somewhere outdoors and commune with nature.
If you have any faith remember "I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my strength come from ? It comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth "
Bless you my lovely.

Tell dh and sc you need an early night and go to bed early and read or listen to audio book.

I'd message your step children and say you aren't feeling well so will be having an early night (this is not a lie, you actually aren't feeling well, mental exhaustion is no joke) whether they still come to see their Dad is up to them but you escape to the bedroom to watch TV/read a book/scroll on your phone or have a long bath. You absolutely need to do this before your Mum comes over. I'd also let your mum know that you've been struggling and are really tired so you may have a couple of early nights. She can also join you for a walk or you can pop out while she stays at home.

Don't just try and carry on, do what you need to to get through the next few days. When your Mum has gone back home then see if you can organise a day where DH has the kids or where you can go out by yourself for a few hours. Your mental and physical wellbeing need to be a priority.

I actually felt sorry for you until I read this post. So you don’t work and usually get time to yourself when kids are at school, toddler takes a nap and DH is at work? Most of us work full time and come home to families that need us, so never get a break. The only difference is come the holidays, we’re used to it and you’re not!

What a supportive post 🤦‍♀️
Anyone with a brain cell can work out she’s not sitting on bed bum all day with a 2 year old to look after and complex care needs to manage for another child. If sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder about your own work schedule.

I need alone time - not like, but need it, to function. It’s fundamental to my ability to self regulate. I’ve been where you are, and felt on the edge of a breakdown.

I also find that the worse I am, the more I find myself stretching myself thin for everyone else and not able to prioritise myself at all.

I’m autistic, and I’m wondering if you might be too op? I didn’t recognise I was until I had a more obviously autistic dc and learned the signs. For neurotypical people, alone time is more like a luxury than a necessity - or they can generally manage fairly well without it for stretches. It hits as discomfort rather than dysregulation. If you are framing it through the assumptions and norms of neurotypical functioning, you might be missing why this is such a significant need for you.

I’ve learned to schedule the summer holiday commitments well in advance to prevent logjams like this. It’s too late for this year, but something to consider next year.

In the meantime, what can you realistically do to carve out some space for yourself? Could you leave your mum in charge for a few hours, take a flask of tea, and just sit in the car staring at the sea for a while? Or head to bed with a “migraine”.

It’s difficult to predict how you’ll find having children. Strangely , you can’t predict having a disabled child either. Your comment is less than helpful.

Put the kids to bed.
(It is lovely that you often walk with 9 year old.) Tonight take a short walk alone.

Say hi to SC as you walk out the door.
Say goodnight to DH and SC as you walk in the door and go to bed early.

Take a bath tomorrow before your mother arrives.

While your Mum is staying plan for her to be able to soak in the bath and go to bed early every second night... and for you to do the same every other night.

Don't go out as much with Mum. Enjoy her company while you catch up with jobs at home.

Prioritise recharging during this next week.

You are no good to anyone burnt out, OP. Prioritise what you need for a few days.

You don’t need to host. You can go to bed early, go for a bath, go for a walk. Just be honest- I’m not feeling great, probably just overtired but ready to explode, just leave me be. I’m not good company tonight, I’m going to bed.

The step DC can see their dad and siblings, they can manage without you for a visit or two.

Can you outsource anything? Get a cleaner in as a one off? Order a take away?

And DH will have to do a bit extra.

You are being a martyr.

There are some things you absolutely can’t change; needs of your own disabled children being the most obvious one.

However, there’s lots of things here you can change but your inner martyr is strong.

Put yourself first!

Of course you can say “Hello step kid, lovely to see you I’m so sorry I’m exhausted and not feeling well so I’m going for a bath and then an early night”

”Well Mum, that was a lovely day wasn’t it - I’m not feeling great so I’m heading up for an early night now would you like me to make you a cuppa before I go up?”

Or “Mum I’m going to head out for a quick walk now and leave you to rest for a bit - see you in half an hour”

You need to stop being a martyr and start prioritising your own needs and enforce boundaries at least some of the time.

You didn’t have to say yes when your DSC asked to visit. If it’s too late to cancel, just tell them you are tired or unwell and need to rest. And spend the evening in your room. Since DSC are adults they can surely help your husband look after their young siblings.

Your husband needs to do his share of parenting instead of hiding behind being ‘stressed’. The more he does it the less stressed he’ll be. He should also take a day’s leave from work every so often to give you a break.

You need to take your own needs into consideration, because if you don’t you may eventually burn out. And then what - how would they all cope if they have been totally reliant on you…

I promise you that very many people NEED alone time who are not autistic. This habit people have of suggesting autism or adhd to everyone is not helpful. Introverts, approx half the population, need alone time. And no, it's not a nice to have. It's a necessity for their mental health

For neurotypical people, alone time is more like a luxury than a necessity - or they can generally manage fairly well without it for stretches. It hits as discomfort rather than dysregulation.

What absolute rubbish.

It sounds as if you’re totally overwhelmed BUT you are being incredibly passive. You do not have to stay around just because a step child who is an adult is coming over. That’s ridiculous! If they’re an adult, they are more than capable of understanding that you need a nice bath and an early night. YOU are choosing not to do that.
Your DH sounds utterly bloody useless! He’s been off work so your workload should have got easier instead of harder! I presume he knows how bogged down you’re feeling. What is he doing to ease things for you right now? I’ll hazard a guess that it’s Jack shit!
I totally empathise with you but you’re being a martyr. Nobody will thank you for it.

The OP is asking for advice on how to carry on when she is obviously exhausted. Those of you who have responded with scolding and criticism should be ashamed of yourselves

Totally sympathise with you and your exhaustion. I know it's tough, but somehow you have to carve out a little bit of down time for you every day, otherwise you will be ill or reach burnout.
Perhaps ensure everyone has an afternoon rest/downtime. It maybe that you need to work up to an hour or so, but then everyone has a recharge.
(We've done this ever since my children dropped their naps and it does make a difference!)
Could you also wear discreet ear plugs - I have loop ones that just help to block some noise out. Half the time I forget I'm wearing them!
I'm disabled and have to rest frequently during the day. Even though my DH is around quite a bit of the time, I'm still the main one sorting my children out. (Even worse during the holidays!)They can be pretty self sufficient at times but other times they will niggle and spat.
I forget to look after myself at times and I will end up suffering and being stuck in bed for longer periods of time.
My DH often doesn't notice and just wanders off to do whatever he wants/needs to do! I then have to remind him about things that need doing (particularly those things I physically can not do!) and then he gets annoyed!