How can I possibly LTB?

[LTB2]

I want to leave DH but practically don’t feel I can. I am overdrawn every month - as soon as money hits my account I’m still overdrawn. I’ve never not been overdrawn. I can’t physically work any more hours as this would mean working weekends too so when would I see my kids? DH is no better off and has very little money left end of each month after he pays mortgage. We jointly pay the bills. Apparently we are too rich for any benefits (I have already checked this) so my question is how can I possibly leave DH and be in a better position? He’s not abusive but we are no longer in love and just together for the kids. Everytime I have posted about being unhappy I am told LTB. Then when I try to ask advice from posters how I can possibly do this financially I’m met with “well you don’t really want advice or listen so…”

I’m genuinely asking now how will I be any happier leaving him? If I can barely survive now how will leaving him be any better? We both have zero savings and no family support. How would it even work having another house with mortgage and bills I will have to cover? Even if I stay in our current house I can’t afford the mortgage on my own and it won’t be fair to ask him to move out and find other living accommodation which he will have to pay for on top of the mortgage for our current home. So please tell me how the hell can I LTB?!!!

There is a friend in work I often discuss my marriage with and she much older than me with grown up kids and she also makes it sound so easy. She told me she just packed a bag and took her 2 kids with her and left 90% of their belongings and never looked back. This all sounds so easy but in my mind I don’t understand how it will work when I literally have no money to my name. Her response was so what money will come and go. But seriously what kind of mum will I be if I just pack my stuff up and leave! Like where do I go with my kids? Or if I stay how do I pay the mortgage?

in the same boat and not really any advice but completely understand.
there is that awful thought that i am wasting years of my life waiting till we can afford to split up but the practical impact on the kids means i can’t risk it yet.

Well you would sacrifice your salary and finances if it was really that much of an issue or you'd start planning how to save more :/

Are you absolutely certain you wouldn't be entitled to anything OP? I wouldn't rely entirely on benefit calculators to give an accurate answer neither. A lot of the time they over or under estimate.
If you want some help getting an accurate idea of what, if anything you'd be entitled too and are happy to share some info, you're welcome to message me and I can work it out for you.
I was in your situation once, there will be a way out!

OP I just don’t think you’re ready to divorce, or maybe don’t want to.

when you divorce you agree to split-

house equity+pension value+ savings + assets- debts

by a %. Starting point is 50:50 but your ability to raise a mortgage and your housing needs (ie the children) will be taken into account.

what would that look like for you?

I honestly think the biggest hurdle with leaving and becoming a single parent OP is accepting that life will look different financially. Money is always going to be tighter as a one income household, the consequence of that may be a smaller home, living in a cheaper area, less “things”, but that doesn’t mean it’s the worse option.

As PP says you need to have a think about the numbers in detail when you get a chance, what is current house worth, what is the equity, what £ would you realistically be walking away with. What kind of place could you afford to buy (if you want another mortgaged home) with the equity you leave with, plus your salary, plus any savings/assets, have a look on Rightmove to see what your options would be.

Realistically no you won’t have the same house and the same lifestyle on one income, that is inevitable unless you can significantly increase your income, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.

You are obviously living beyond your means, how can you say you’re not.

You have 2 incomes and half of the bills each.
Thousands of single people live alone on 1 income and 100% of the bills.

You need to focus on sorting your finances out first.
You and your DH are both poor with money and probably just used to it.
Really try and budget for a couple of months and see how you get on.

It would be unfair to move your DC out of their home and so I’d be looking for something smaller for when they stay with you, as they won’t need their own bedrooms.

I wouldn’t commit to anything just yet, just learn how to budget and look for prices of accommodation in your surrounding areas.

This is the link to a benefit calculatorhttps://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

And this link will calculate how much maintenance you may be able to get from your (ex)partner. https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Run the numbers with a few different sanarios (eg. If you stay in House, if you rent somewhere local, if you rent somewhere cheaper, if you have the kids full time, if you have them 50/50 but work more). See if any of the numbers leave you with an amount you could live off

Hi op it’s not as easy as ltb especially with a mortgage your relationship does sound like it’s over emotionally and physical could you separate and still live together would he accept this. It’s hard to be with someone who doesn’t show you any attention or love and it’s bloody lonely but you do seem trapped financially. If you split you would have to sell the house then you might get help renting and UC but only you can decide what is for the best for your family if people are telling you it’s easy as packing a bag it’s definitely not. Kids need to be the priority.

I waited until my children were grown up and then left. I was too timid to leave but money played a big part in my decision making too. Essentially I had nothing. Looking back I made the best decision I could at the time. If I got to live my life over I would never have got myself into the terrible financial position I was in but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I did meet someone new and my life, until my partner's unexpected death, was wonderful. The only advice I would give would be to try and improve your earning power. Make a long-term plan and believe that things will get better. Good luck.

My sympathies op, obviously times have changed from when 1 income was enough to support a household, the cost of living is known to be high and women are
finding we don’t have choices that the boomer generation had. It’s a fact of life. I too would advise staying if he’s not an actual bastard. You need two people working to afford a mortgage these days. In fact it’s the same choice I’ve made. It’s very easy to be earning too much to get benefits but not enough to live independently and women have been worse affected by austerity than men: women with kids always have it harder anyway, that’s literally why this website exists.

It sounds hard OP but the truth is you cannot afford to leave.
Lots of people stay in dead marriages because to leave would blow up their childrens lives.
You cannot afford to leave.
Your children come first and their security and happiness is more important than yours.
I'm so sorry if that is harsh, but it is reality.

Blowing up their lives and creating uncertainty and plunging them into poverty because your relationship isn't giving you what you want, is not enough of a reason.

When you choose to have children, you have to put them first.

You need to plan for a time your children are older, need you less.
Retrain if you can for your future.
See if you can get counselling through work.

Have you tried counselling etc? it may help to either improve the relationship or make him understand the relationship is over? if you decide not to leave (for whatever reason) you need to make life as good as possible either by trying to make the relationship work or detaching more

Practicalities -

go through your outgoings and work out where you can make savings including checking if you can switch utilities/phone contracts if out of contract etc.

can you have separate rooms or facilitate this in some way?

register with LA for a council house, you will be on the list for a long time/ research private rent costs

check benefit entitlement & work out what your finances will look like. Check cms for potential maintenance too.

you sound in limbo, you want out, he doesn’t, nothing has changed and you feel stuck. If there is any part of you that wants to make it work you need to sit him down and make him listen

sell things on facebook market place, vinted, ebay. Old toys/clothes/bits you no longer need. Pay off the overdraft then use whatever else you make as a saving fund.

consider how each scenario will affect the children

to feel attractive, don’t wait for him to do it, do it for yourself, make yourself feel you are attractive

How old are you and how old are the children? Sorry if I missed this.

I think based on what you have said I would stay, but I might advise differently depending on the ages.

If he isn’t pestering you for sex and you barely talk, you essentially are separated. I don’t really see what’s to be gained by formalising that, and there’s a lot to be lost. The main downside of the situation now is that you are lonely, and that’s a huge downside, I know - but being a single parent could be even more lonely…

Im not saying this is forever for you. It definitely doesn’t need to be that. But it might be in your best interests to stick it out for now.

Thank you everyone. The kids are 7 and 11. I do feel really lonely and I wish he was a little more affectionate towards me. I don’t want to live like this and yes I don’t want to blow my kids lives apart. We have been married 15 years now. I think if I had female friends and more of a social life I wouldn’t miss him so much if that makes sense, or miss the idea of a loving partner. How can I go about making friends and having more of a social life? I’ve been deeply depressed for many years now. I’m going to visit my family tomorrow and taking kids with me. The kids are very excited and I’m worried he will have a moody look on his face. He’s not physically abusing like I said before but the bit I left out was he is controlling. He doesn’t like me seeing anyone especially my family. He doesn’t speak to his family but if you ask him why he will call me crazy and say “what you on about of course I speak to my sisters”. Apparently they message and speak on phone everyday yet our 2 kids don’t even know who they are. I’ve never stopped him taking kids to his sisters and even encouraged the relationship.

The whole family of his is really weird. One sister lives 30 minutes away, 2nd second lives 1 hour away - all live in England like us.

I think his family have done kind of ND as when I used to invite them to our home they would respond “but why do we need to come to see you”. I’ve defined apart from my isn’t family over the years as I feel there’s a little jealously from DH in that aspect.

I met a friend yesterday for coffee and really opened up to her more than I ever have to anyone and she said I deserve so much more. I really don’t want my life to be like this doubles I win the lottery today I don’t know how to leave him or save enough to be able to in the future.

You remain living together while sorting out the divorce and finances, which based on here indicates selling the house

you then either buy smaller if possible or go into rented. And possibly as a single claimant can get top up benefits . Check it out based on being single.

this is how many people do it

Well this is very different.
Controlling you as he undoubtedly is, is 100% abusive.
He's moody if you see them or friends?

That is Coercive control and a crime.
You need to tell your family the truth.
You need to reach out to domestic abuse charities.

Controlling, moody, isolating you are all Coercive control and domestic abuse.

You do not owe your children that.
You do not have to stay in that situation.

No wonder you are depressed, you have been controlled and abused for years.

A man who controls your movements by his moods is highly abusive.

He knows well what he is doing.

He calls you crazy about the fact he doesn't see his family?

Abuse like this thrives in secrecy.
Please start telling people.
Start with your family.

Ask for support and help.
While with them you need to reach out to domestic abuse organisations and ask for advice and support.

We are here for you.
So keep posting.

7&11 are good ages for the financially tricky adjustment. You're past the most expensive childcare stage but not yet into the eat everything in sight and need adult cloths teenage stage. They're also young enough that they might not have normalised the controlling behaviour yet, though you need to get them out of that environment ASAP, before they start copying the abusive role model.

Would you feel comfortable sharing some details about your situation (eg. Your & "partners" income, rough area, any debts & expenses). Keep it vague enough not to be outing, but we might be able to help work out budgets or look into what help might be available to you.

Could you agree to separate but still live in the same house and co-parent? Neither of you can afford to leave, it might work out well if you still get on but are no longer romantically involved.

Bear in mind that if your friend is much older than you, she will have "just packed her bags and left with the 2 kids" at a time when the cost of living and property in particular was much lower. Two homes was achievable then, it's almost impossible now for most. Don't let her make you feel bad.

Which is why a lot of people stay together. Unless there's abuse just upping sticks and leaving in your position is unlikely to make you any happier. You need to sort out your finances and get control. Reduce your expenditure, minimise the expenses you can control. That's a start. You could also work on your relationship. Take some small steps to improving your life.

I think you might have missed the update (not just you the last few replies, easily done as it's no in the op).

There is abuse, sulky moods and name calling (emotional abuse), coercive control and preventing op form seeing friends and family.

It’s mainly childish behaviour only if I see my family. In term of friends he doesn’t care. Would this still be considered abuse? I didn’t really consider it too much before. I know it’s not normal behaviour but. Do often fail to see red flags I know that from my past relationships.

I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he never wants to discuss

Hi OP, what you're describing sounds like a pretty miserable living situation 😔 I think you should make an appointment with Citizen's Advice and talk through what it would be possible to claim as a single parent, it's possible that UC could top up your salary to a liveable wage and unless you share 50/50 childcare, you would be entitled to child maintenance from your partner. Financially, you may not be much worse off and as your kids are getting older you will have the potential to earn more.

You sound like you've become so down and stuck in a rut that you can't see a way out. There are many things you can think about to try and improve your situation -

Spending more time with friends and hobbies - living a fuller and more varied life will make you less reliant on your partner for love and support (where it's lacking and making you feel so alone)

Seeing your family and enjoying that family time - connections outside of your nuclear family are important for you and for your children, it will make you feel less isolated.

Thinking about upskilling/training to increase your earning potential - being able to stand on your own two feet and provide for yourself financially will do wonders for your confidence and self esteem. You sound like a smart woman with the ability for critical thinking and problem solving - you have a lot to offer.

I know quite a few women who are single parents and while finances can be tight, they are still an awfully lot happier than they were in a miserable relationship.

No-one thinks you're a coward or lazy for staying - leaving a marriage is hard and you worry about the effects it will have on your children and spouse. Only you can decide what's right for you. If you do leave, there are difficult times ahead but there IS light at the end of the tunnel - you need to keep your eyes on that outcome and keep moving forward when things get tough. Wishing you all the best as you figure this out 💐