How can I possibly LTB?

[LTB2]

I want to leave DH but practically don’t feel I can. I am overdrawn every month - as soon as money hits my account I’m still overdrawn. I’ve never not been overdrawn. I can’t physically work any more hours as this would mean working weekends too so when would I see my kids? DH is no better off and has very little money left end of each month after he pays mortgage. We jointly pay the bills. Apparently we are too rich for any benefits (I have already checked this) so my question is how can I possibly leave DH and be in a better position? He’s not abusive but we are no longer in love and just together for the kids. Everytime I have posted about being unhappy I am told LTB. Then when I try to ask advice from posters how I can possibly do this financially I’m met with “well you don’t really want advice or listen so…”

I’m genuinely asking now how will I be any happier leaving him? If I can barely survive now how will leaving him be any better? We both have zero savings and no family support. How would it even work having another house with mortgage and bills I will have to cover? Even if I stay in our current house I can’t afford the mortgage on my own and it won’t be fair to ask him to move out and find other living accommodation which he will have to pay for on top of the mortgage for our current home. So please tell me how the hell can I LTB?!!!

There is a friend in work I often discuss my marriage with and she much older than me with grown up kids and she also makes it sound so easy. She told me she just packed a bag and took her 2 kids with her and left 90% of their belongings and never looked back. This all sounds so easy but in my mind I don’t understand how it will work when I literally have no money to my name. Her response was so what money will come and go. But seriously what kind of mum will I be if I just pack my stuff up and leave! Like where do I go with my kids? Or if I stay how do I pay the mortgage?

Well it sounds like he’s not actually a B (I’m not name searching your other threads; just going on what you said here) and you’ve just fallen out of love.

So are you both living beyond your means?

Is money the only source of your unhappiness?

If money worries were reduced, would you find each other again?

Are things too far gone to sit down and try and solve this together?

I say this because without walking out and hoping the council put you and DC into temporary accommodation (aka a basic hotel room for god knows how long) you probably don’t have many options.

Sell the house. Split the equity. Rent somewhere not as nice.

Sorry, but these sound like the realities. Hence my earlier questions about whether this is redeemable.

Have you looked into/worked out everything you would be entitled to if you left? There are online benefits calculators such as Turn to Us that will calculate what you may be entitled to so look into that based on your wage alone then take into account whether you would have the children most of the time or 50/50. If you would have them most of the time use a CMS calculator to work on what you would get on that front. The based off of that you can look at your budget, get an idea of properties, etc.

@SoScarletItWas we’ve been together since young and I just feel we have grown up to be completely different people. I have tried a lot but I feel he’s given up. We definitely don’t live beyond our means. We have not been on holiday for 3 years now. The cost of living I feel is very high.

If neither of you can afford to buy the other out and take on the house on your own then it would need to be sold and you divide the equity. You then use the money to buy a smaller place you can afford or you rent. Unfortunately it is very common for people to separate emotionally but for finances to prevent the physical separation.

Are you both on the same page that you want to end the marriage? You can apply for a divorce online and do it fairly cheaply but t sounds like if you separate you’ll have to sell the house.

are you able to post some links please? I did phone up a benefits line few years back but they told me we won’t be entitled to anything.

I've got to be honest, and I don't doubt my advice will be unpopular, I think you should stay where you are until the kids are older. There's far worse situations to be in than just not being in love and if you're struggling with 2 incomes you'll be worse off trying to spread that across two homes.

Together you may not be. PP means individually for you on your own.

he doesn’t want to separate. He says things will change but they never do. He’s not willing to sort out our issues. He works really long hours so when he gets home he’s tired and doesn’t want to talk. He’s a good dad I have to give him that and he spends the weekends doing activities with the kids but I just feel he ignores me and doesn’t even ask how my day was. If it wasn’t for me asking him about his day etc. I don’t think he would even talk to me

Unless your looking to start again with another man, why not just check out mentally. Match his energy and stay?

I couldn't think of anything worse than getting married again and the shit that goes with kissing more frogs who put on a act then unmask and turn out to be even worse than the current dh.

OK so you have a disconnection issue. (I’m replying to your reply to me, too.)

When do you get time as a couple? I get you’re feeling unloved and unseen. But it’s hard for that to flourish in the never-ending grind. Unless you make space and time for it.

Are DC old enough for sleepovers? GPs to have them? Babysitter may be a good investment even though money is tight so you get time to reconnect over a meal even a month.

That’s what I’m thinking and debating. I just feel it will be easier to just stay put. He hasn’t been intimate with me for years. It’s not physical reasons as I’m not bad looking and do try to stay in shape although I do sometimes comfort eat as I’m lonely, he never hugs me or shows any affection. Everytime I try he ignores me. I just want to feel attractive again but I don’t think this is reason enough to tear my family apart. I also feel sorry for him in that if I leave he will be lonely. He doesn’t have many friends and he’s very introverted. I did lurk on the wives of autistic men board on here and recognise a lot of my frustrations. He could possibly be ND but I don’t know.

I agree! I just can’t imagine it. Obviously I would like to be loved again but the whole dating thing gives me anxiety

I did try many times but he doesn’t seem interested. I got my MIL to look after the kids but it was awkward as he didn’t talk though the meal and we just sat in silence, I tried but his one word answers pissed me off and I just let it be, it was really upsetting seeing other couples talk and laugh. We never laugh.

If you're well off enough not to be entitled to benefits and you're still broke, there's something wrong with your spending. You need to live within your means.

Are you the poster whose husband has just left the job where he was earning £10k per month and you were still skint every month?

No definitely not me lol! 😂 he earns no where near that. He earns just enough to cover the mortgage with a bit left over. We both are in low paying jobs. I have tried to look at gaining qualifications but I really can’t be bothered to study again. How would that even work with 2 kids?

What are you hoping for if you leave? Less financial pressure? A new relationship? Your husband sounds as worn down as you, so unless he's actively unpleasant I suppose you have to weigh up what you can realistically achieve to be happier if you leave, against the life you are currently living. It doesn't sound fun, to be honest, but if you are just exchanging one set of rubbish circumstances for a different lot, while throwing your children's life into disarray, is now the time to do it? You can't conjure money out of thin air but is there anything you can do to make life more bearable now?

The thing is financially we’re plodding along, we are not at the stage of having to use food banks. We do get to treat the kids to cinema and stuff so sorry if I made it sound like we’re on the verge of poverty, yes I am overdrawn every month but he still has a bit left over after mortgage for us to treat the kids but my point is if we separate then we literally will be in poverty having to pay another mortgage and another set of bills for another property

If you're both in low paying jobs do one of the online calculators again. For you separately and as a couple. What have you got to lose.

Try and separate your money problems from your relationship. Would it improve if you had more money?

I totally agree. I just wish people would stop making me feel like I’m too much of a coward for staying and if I was braver I would leave. One friend told me I’m being very something to my daughter (can’t remember the word she used) in that my daughter will marry a cold man who doesn’t love her after she sees no love between DH and myself, that’s really been playing on my mind and making me wonder if I’m making right decision to stay

No I don’t think our relationship would be happier if we had more money. He’s just not very emotional or empathetic. He’s more logical than being driven by feelings. I’ve stopped going to him with any problems as attitude really upsets me.

Just to flip your friends comment, is it equally as likely that your daughter will actively seek out someone who is the opposite of her Dad? That warmth and empathy will be very important to her?
Being brave enough to leave is all very well, and in some circumstances it's the only thing to do, but everyone's lives are different and you need to be sure that the grass is in fact greener and it's not just a mirage.

A good relationship is a habit, like any other. Making time for each other, laughing together, being intimate are all things that take effort and in the midst of kids and work and life it’s easy to just go through the motions. It’s takes real intention and effort to reconnect. And it takes time.

I also think many couples go through that kind of thing when they have young kids because life gets busy and tiring. Some will hang on, get through this season and make a go of it, some will leave and start over - I honestly don’t know which option is better because they’re both very hard in their own way. They’re both valid options though.

I think we probably need numbers to help! How much do you both earn and what are your current outgoings? What can you afford with just your income? Can you downsize?

There are loads of options to study around kids. I’ve completed a degree and a Masters around hardcore work and parenting. My mum did her Masters by staying up all night on a Friday because she knew she could catch up on sleep over the weekend when my dad was at home with us. Ultimately, a better life won’t fall in your lap so you have to take some action for things to change.

If you’re in a low paying job, surely you would get UC if you separated?

To have a nice life as a single parent, you need to find a way to earn enough to support yourself alone.

You can do that by retraining or by moving up the career ladder or by changing job. Earning that is step 1.

Secondly, you need enough savings that you can live for 3 months without earning if you lose your job. Saving that is step 2.

Whether or not you decide to leave him, taking steps to get those two steps done, will improve your quality of life.