For not wanting to have my other nieces?

[ChickiteeChina]

My brother has 4 girls.

The oldest niece is 13, my daughter is 17 but they get along really well (my DD is autistic and has a younger mindset)

If we are going shopping she often asks if niece can come along as they really like some of the same stuff and my DD only has a few mates her own age in college but doesn't like to socialise outside with them.

So DD asks if niece can come round for the day and I text my brother. He asks if we can take one of the other 3 nieces as they have started to notice its always the eldest that gets to visit.

But thats because my DD and niece get along and do stuff together.
The other ones are much younger, primary school age and DD wouldn't have any interest in socialising with them which means instead of me getting on with my day whilst DD and niece do whatever, I would actually be entertaining a small child, which isn't the same thing at all.

I know it might seem unfair that its always the same niece but its because of the age and dynamics of the kids friendship.

Now I don't know what to say as DD doesn't want to 'babysit' one of the younger ones today and neither do I.

No i wouldn't feel the same if they were school friends. It's the fact they are cousins that makes the difference.
And yes I understand not wanting the younger cousins with you often. But occasionally including them seems much fairer given they are your family too

I can see both sides tbh
Can you all do something together once a week/month eg

Oh my good lord, how on earth is that all you took from the OP?

I am not being pedant, I am making the point that in this context, transforming a non-invitation into an "exclusion" with all the feelings that go with it is completely wrong.

very often makes people feel they are excluded.
which was my original point, we really need to stop encouraging this. So much drama would be avoided if people were not so lacking of resilience and stop being so self-centred. It's never too young to teach children that not everything is about THEM

I'd say I can't look after the others as I'm working, but how about we all get together one weekend with all the kids?
Then suggest some weekends you're free for a BBQ/pub lunch/country walk or whatever.

I’d just say I’m working from home so can’t take the little ones unfortunately!

Feeling excluded and being excluded are two completely different things.

Mine are all 17+ and wouldn't want to be involved, they've grown out of the family get togethers.

I could suggest it but would just be DH and I.

You aren't being unreasonable to encourage your daughter's friendship with her cousin. However it would probably be good to do something with your other nieces sometimes as it's understandable that the younger girls might think you aren't interested in them and ask questions.

Suggest that then.

But has she ever been invited?

Because if he's never invited her then I think he's being cheeky for asking you to take them all. If he's often added her onto his crowd for a day out then it's a different matter.

And I'd suspect that it's more he's thinking it would be convenient for him rather than the younger ones feel they're missing out unless you do super special things with them - which I'm not getting the impression.

We had dc way before bil. In fact my oldest was at the age where she could babysit when he had his first. He'd never offered to take any one of them for anything, paid them any attention unless it was to laugh at them or make snide jibes.
Suddenly he thought it would be a great idea to get to know the oldest better. Would she like to come round.... you've guessed it? They went out leaving her to look after the baby. As she said, if they'd asked her to babysit then, fine. But to pretend it was about getting to know her and it was for her benefit was straight down a lie.
It was probably because he didn't want to have any possibility of having to pay her. He's notoriously tight.

The key is that they are friends as well as cousins. Of course your DD doesn't want to play/babysit her younger cousins.

The smaller cousins might get jealous but they'll have friends the others don't.

Explain to your brother that these two cousins are friends and want to spend time together. It's not a family event. He can then pass this on to his younger children.

If I were you I would just step back and not get involved at all. Surely your DD has a phone? At 17 I would just let her contact her cousin and invite her over to hang out. They are both old enough to organise their own social lives and then it is clear that they are doing so more as friends and it’s not some family get together that the young ones are missing out on.

Good point.

I'm sorry but in an ideal world you are right. People wouldn't feel excluded.

But you have no idea of what is going on in other people's lives. If you view people with low self esteem and lives lacking in any form of validation as lacking in resisilience then it shows you have no experience of the effects of lack of love and acknowledgement of existence.

If I was you I would make time to have my other nieces. I wouldn't want any child to feel left out and I like having a relationship with my nieces and nephews.
I'd also step back from managing the 17yo's friendships. If she contacts her cousin herself to make arrangements the family will probably see it as the friendship that it is rather than you favouring one niece.

I don’t think this is unreasonable at all. You’re not inviting her round as your niece per se, you’re inviting round your daughter’s friend.

Just message:
Sorry DD asked to hang out with X and listen to music/go to shops. I’m working so wouldn’t be able to supervise the younger ones.

I agree that in future get DD to invite her cousin herself.

Have you explained it to your brother in those terms? That you aren't asking one of your nieces out, your daughter is inviting her friend. One who happens to be her cousin, sure, but it's as equal peers they they are spending time together.

The younger cousins are too young for her to spend time with socially,aside from family events.

“ Not this time, as dd would like time with dn. But why don’t I look after all 4 dn’s one morning to give you a break?”

My kids have 19 first cousins. My SIL and BIL alone have x5 DC.

My kids have more in common with some cousins than others and consequently spend more time with some cousins.

My SIL would never expect me to have her 5yo because our 13/14yo's are spending time together. Infact it's quite common for us to "divide and conquer" the kids so SIL may have the younger ones (and she had a younger one herself and a big garden / lots of toys) whereas I'll have a few of the older cousins as I live more centrally so there is more to do where we are and they prefer to come here and have the option to head out.

Childcare sometimes has to be mutually beneficial.

It must be exhausting to be so deliberately obtuse 🙄

So what are the younger nieces missing out on exactly? Why are they so keen to visit when basically it will just be the OP and possibly sometimes her DH. The OP's kids are all 17 and older.

My cousin of a close age and I played together all the time - without younger brothers and sisters.

I would say 'It would be lovely to have the whole family over soon - this is a teen get together / outing / activity based on their age-related friendship. Sorry, can't manage to offer childcare for the younger ones on that day' .