For not wanting to have my other nieces?

[ChickiteeChina]

My brother has 4 girls.

The oldest niece is 13, my daughter is 17 but they get along really well (my DD is autistic and has a younger mindset)

If we are going shopping she often asks if niece can come along as they really like some of the same stuff and my DD only has a few mates her own age in college but doesn't like to socialise outside with them.

So DD asks if niece can come round for the day and I text my brother. He asks if we can take one of the other 3 nieces as they have started to notice its always the eldest that gets to visit.

But thats because my DD and niece get along and do stuff together.
The other ones are much younger, primary school age and DD wouldn't have any interest in socialising with them which means instead of me getting on with my day whilst DD and niece do whatever, I would actually be entertaining a small child, which isn't the same thing at all.

I know it might seem unfair that its always the same niece but its because of the age and dynamics of the kids friendship.

Now I don't know what to say as DD doesn't want to 'babysit' one of the younger ones today and neither do I.

Tell him you're not offering to babysit, your DD wants to spend time with the cousin she's close to. He's being a CF.

This OP.

you need to be clear so as to nip this in the bud

I know it might seem unfair that its always the same niece but its because of the age and dynamics of the kids friendship.

it's not unfair at all.

Your 17yo wouldn't invite herself to a playdate with the younger nieces or birthday parties for of the younger ones.

As above, it's not a free babysitting offer.

So the way i read it you only care about your siblings children if it works for you?

Her cousin is also her friend. She wants to spend time with her. Of course you shouldn’t have to have all the younger ones too just so the 2 older ones can have a nice day together

I find it truly astonishing that you got that from the OP.

Are you that entitled in real life, or just on this thread?

No. She’s inviting the older niece because she is friends with her daughter. If my daughter wanted to invite a friend around for the day I wouldn’t expect the friends younger siblings to turn up or for their parent to expect them to. It’s no different here. Just because there’s a blood relationship here doesn’t mean the two girls can’t spend time together independently without the other siblings.

OP I agree with other comments that you need to make this clear to your brother - they are spending time together because they want to and are friends outside of the cousin relationship.

Can you not compromise and sometimes ask the other siblings as well? After all the oldest cousin may be her special friend but the younger girls are also her cousins and it doesn't seem fair that they are always excluded from spending time with you and your DD.

I understand your reasoning, and it’s not unreasonable per se- but it seems possible it causing some degree of upset with at least one of your other nieces, who is feeling left out. That’s not to say you must include her, if you don’t want to, but I understand why your brother has said something and I disagree with previous posters that he is being a CF. Just explain the reasoning (maybe leave out the bit about not wanting to babysit, as it sounds like an accusation that they just want palm her off on you) and hopefully he’ll accept that. It can be difficult when one sibling seems to get “special treatment” even if there is a rational reason, so I think it needs to be handled carefully by you both.

Equally, I think you may have to understand if your brother isn’t so keen for your older niece to come over so often if it is causing issues at home.

I can see why this could easily create a problem in your brothers home when only of the sisters is invited to spend time with her aunt and cousin.

You say it’s because of the friendship which I understand, but it is also understandable that it’s hurtful for the other cousins.

Talk to your brother and come to a compromise. Otherwise you risk them saying that their oldest child shouldn’t come at all because their first loyalty is to their sisters over their cousin.

I 'care' about all of them but I work from home and am catching up on a lot of paperwork today so am unable to take on a small child, whereas the 13yo will be with my daughter and I probably won't even see either of them the whole day.

Loads of the objectors are saying about the niece spending time with her aunt and cousin, but according to the OP, it's just the cousins together, as friends, while the aunt (op) is busy doing other things
Nothing wrong with that...

maybe we should stop pretending that not being invited somewhere means being "excluded"?

Just say ‘Sorry, would love to have them all, but can’t manage it on a working day. I’m working from home and I know that dd and niece will keep themselves occupied without any input from me. Different dynamic if the younger ones come over too. Maybe we can all get together another time when I’m not working?’

I do understand that the little ones might feel left out but I am constantly busy and don't often have the time to have a day out to invite the young ones over. I have other siblings with young children too. I couldn't possibly make time to regularly have all my nieces and nephews ontop of my own family and work commitments.

My son often has his other cousin over who is a male of same age and his Dad understands thats because they are peers ans friends.

It's not favouritism it's just the dynamics of ages and lifestages between cousins.

The compromise would be for the brother to invite the OP's daughter to go on a day out with them, so she spends time with all her cousins?

I don't think there's anything wrong with your suggestion, but I guess if it's causing upset at home, your brother might just say well no one goes then. At 13, her parents will still get to decide, unlike if she was also 17 like your daughter.

I don't think she would go. She finds the little ones way too overwhelming, especially all together at once 😅

fair enough.

I still completely agree with you. It's life, younger ones don't do things that the older ones do, because they are older.

Siblings don't have to be joined at the hip.

Sorry but what is your point?
If the invitation is for one person and doesn't include the others then the others are excluded from the invitation. Pretty straightforward.

Would you feel the same if they were school friends, not cousins? Would the younger kids be excluded from the invite then?

I don't think that if my neighbour got an invite to a wedding and I didnt that means I am excluded. It just means I wasn't invited. I think there is a difference.

Not really,
exluded: deny (someone) access to a place, group, or privilege.

They not denied anything, they are just not invited. It's not about them, it's not a statement, it's not a judgement. It's just a non-invitation.

Same apply to all the posters offended by school gate drama that only exist in their own head.

Are you aware there is a Pedant's Corner topic?

Not being included in an invitation, for what ever reason, sometimes valid and sometimes not, very often makes people feel they are excluded.

I don't think your brother was unreasonable for highlighting it was causing an issue in his house because they are family not school friends.
That said your dd only wants to spend time with one of his dc and you are only having the dc round for the benefit of your dd and not because you want to spend time with family.
I think you are going to have to be honest and explain this to him. Does he invite you round to spend time with his whole family? If he doesn't I wouldn't feel too bad.

Yes, and I get that. I don’t think you are unreasonable, but if it’s causing upset to one, or more, of your nieces, I don’t think your brother is unreasonable to point this out/ask either. Nor would he be unreasonable to say no sometimes, if it’s causing issues at home for him. Just as you aren’t unreasonable to say no to younger niece's coming over if it causes disruption to you/your DD.