Ex spam-calling and accusing me of withholding child over basic boundary. I’m I unreasonable?

[verytiredmamma3194]

Hi everyone, I really need some outside perspective and a sanity check on a situation with my 6yo son's father.
For context, he is not an involved parent. He picks and chooses when he wants to see our son. He has never taken him to school or nursery, has never attended a single parents' evening, and doesn't show up for school events.
Today, he called to speak to our son. During the call, he told our 6yo that he wants to take him to the cinema to see the new Spider-Man movie after we get back from our upcoming holiday. He then explicitly instructed our 6yo to "remember what to say" to me to let me know these plans are happening.
I was sitting right next to the phone and heard this. I immediately stepped in and told him that our 6-year-old is not a messenger and will not be put in the middle of adult logistics. The dad shouted "don't speak to me" and slammed the phone down.
Since then, he has spam-called my phone 12 times. He sent an aggressive text claiming that he is the one setting a boundary by refusing to speak to me, and accused me of stopping our son from seeing him because I won't answer the phone.
I texted him back very clearly, saying that if he wants to take our son out, he needs to text me the exact date, start time, and pick-up details in writing so I can check the calendar. I told him I will not handle this over the phone. He replied saying: "So you're going to stop him from seeing me because I won't speak to you?" He refuses to text the details and just keeps ringing.
To make matters worse, a few days ago I confronted him about how he sexually coerced me when we were in a relationship. He completely dismissed my feelings and told me what I said was "disgusting." I feel like this relentless calling and twisting the narrative today is a massive power trip and reaction to that. He has also previously insulted me for accepting a caravan holiday invitation from his dad's partner, calling it a "pity handout" and telling me I should be ashamed that I can't provide a proper holiday myself.
I have now put my phone on Do Not Disturb because his behaviour makes me incredibly uncomfortable. In the past, when I've let him into my house to see our son, he has repeatedly touched me, made sexual jokes, and commented on my body after being told to stop.
Am I being unreasonable for refusing to answer his calls and standing firm that if he doesn't text me the basic details, our son simply isn't going? How do I handle the guilt and the inevitable blame that I am "withholding" our son?

Do you at least receive maintenance from him?

Yes he sends £100 a month

I’m guessing he maybe doesn’t want text as then the information isn’t in black and white and he can change the goalposts and claim you misunderstood?

In what way is that relevant to her pervy groping ex who won’t co-parent in a reasonable way?

I have given up smoking weed now, unfortunately tobacco isn’t as easy. I spend £25 every 6-7 days but what has this anything to do with what I am asking? I spend my own money on tobacco

Get one of thos parenting apps
All comms via the app where it ix documented
He wants to call you so he can verbally /emotionally abuse you
His behaviour is disgusting, I would also ask for 3rd party handovers away from your home

How do I handle the guilt and the inevitable blame that I am "withholding" our son?

By remembering that you are not doing anything of the sort. You are refusing to speak with someone who consistently underminds you and sexually harasses you and instead are making a perfectly reasonable request that logistics are dealt with in writing btween adults. If he then chooses not to see your son, then that is not, in any way, your fault.

exBIL told similarly aged DN that he would take him camping in the summer holidays once. He told Dn to put SIL on the phone. SIL said she'd call/text later as they were out when this was happening. exBIL didn't see or speak to either one of them for 3 months. And no, they did not go on the camping trimp. It's all just about control of the ex partner and the child is the tool used ot od it.

Hi Op's ex 👋

My question exactly, it has nothing to do with it.

In the past, when I've let him into my house to see our son, he has repeatedly touched me, made sexual jokes, and commented on my body after being told to stop.

why did you keep letting him in?

Have you considered reporting his sexual coercion and that he has sexually assaulted you when he has come to your home?
Talk to Women's aid.
Get these things recorded with your GP and perhaps the police.

Never allow him into your home again.
He is dangerous and not to be trusted.
Get advice about him.

He sounds like the sort of arsehole that would go for 50/50 to annoy you.

Get a video door bell as a priority.

Try one of co parenting app thats suggested by courts - Google and they come up.
Send him app and say your changing number in next couple of days and will only be avaliable through the app

I kept letting him in because I was trying to prioritize my son having a relationship with his dad and wanted to keep the peace. I didn't want to be accused of 'withholding' him or causing a scene. I now realize he used that access to cross boundaries, which is exactly why I am changing the rules and keeping him on the doorstep from now on.

Yes, I am looking into this. It’s extremely exhausting having to deal with a person like this, on top of dealing with chronic illness. Thank you

Hi, not I haven’t considered that as I didn’t want to cause any issues for him. All I’ve ever tried doing is keep things civil for our son but I am considering speaking to women’s aid to get support with this. Thank you for your response

I will not be made out to be the problem in this situation. You can go and express your feelings elsewhere instead of trying to make me feel ashamed and small.
You clearly don’t understand the situation I am in.

Stop with your victim blaming!

Your replies are disgusting and not helpful.

thank you, absolutely vile comments coming from this person. They clearly don’t understand the situation I am in

Yes exactly what I am thinking. Over the phone he can change what he says but when it comes to text messages he can’t and he don’t want anyone to see what’s he’s been doing and putting me through. I’ll be downloading one of these co parenting apps to communicate through as I have had enough. I’m constantly judged and made to feel so small by him.

His behaviour sounds appalling. Like you say, he's trying to erode your boundaries. It's exhausting to deal with because behaviour which protects you can conflict with choices which are in the best interests of your child, and he uses that to try to manipulate you. It's also difficult because he has the same parental rights and responsibilities as you, so it can feel very difficult to say he can't do something with your son. And my experience is that professionals are often very unwilling to give opinions, so you can feel on your own.

Have you come across DARVO before? It's something I've seen people talk about on here - nasically your ex projecting his behaviours onto you. It's worth having a look and see if it resonates with you - if you can see what he's doing it takes some of his power away.

I also think you would probably benefit from some support around domestic abuse as his behaviour sounds controlling and abusive.

You will read a lot of comments about the importance of good co-parenting and putting your child first. And obviously this is true. But it only works if both of you are doing it. It doesn't sound like he is. You cannot effectively co-parent with a bully, you just have to manage the situation as well as you can.

As an aside, is the new spiderman film even suitable for a six-year-old? Children have really different tolerances for that sort of thing, but I wouldn't have expected it to be.

You sound like you are trying really hard to do what is best for your son, and navigating a difficult situation. I hope it goes well for you.

OP your ex is a cunt and you shouldn't have to put up with gaslighting and abuse.

I wasn’t trying to make you feel ashamed or small.

I am concerned for your child who either witnessed or was in the presence of the repeated attacks on you.

The freedom programme may help you.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I’d tell him to take you to court.