I told my family that I refuse to make more than two meals at our weekly family dinner...AIBU?

[waterbottle1988]

DH and I moved into our new house about 4 months ago now. We have 2 DC. For about 10 years now my extended family has all had dinner together almost every Sunday. My DM and DF have hosted for the past 10 years. But when I moved into my new house, we invited everybody over for dinner and we realised that there there was a lot more space at my house for the weekly family dinner. So my DM asked if I could start hosting the family dinner every week. I agreed.

In my family one person is vegan, one person is vegetarian, multiple people have cut out certain foods (no medical reason, they just are on a diet). 5 of my nieces and nephews are picky eaters but they will still eat a decent range of foods. 2 of my nephews have autism and will only eat a handful of meals due to their sensory issue. Then everybody else likes a wide variety of food.

So every Sunday me and my husband end up cooking multiple different meals. The main meal mostly everybody loves, a vegan version of that meal, multiple dishes for some of my adult family members who are on certain diets, a completely separate meal for my nieces and nephews who are picky eaters and another completely separate meal for my nephews with autism. Hosting has become so difficult, and I am also a mum of 2, my kids are 7 and 3. I am starting to dread Sunday's now.

So yesterday I sent a text to my family. I said: "Hi everybody, I can't wait to see you all on Sunday. I just thought I should let you all know that me and DH have decided to only make two meals this Sunday. Shepherds pie and a vegan Shepherds pie. Unfortunately I have started to find Sunday's very stressful because I end up cooking multiple different meals all day long. You are free to bring your own food, that is perfectly fine. But from now on, I am only cooking the main meal and a vegan version of that meal. This is nothing personal, and I am not angry at anybody, but I am just trying to decrease my own stress level."

I sent that text and got a private message from my mother. She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences. My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

AIBU?

I'm stressed just reading that. I could "just" about manage two meals but that would be it. And that would probably be a once a year event, let alone once a week. I don't have any advice but you are not a restaurant, you are very generously hosting a very large family once a week, I think you are being far more generous than I would be and to be honest I agree with you and your way forward, regardless of what your mother did for so many years.

YANBU. In fact, you are being very sensible.
I have to balance ARFID, autism, vegetarian and dyed in the wool carnivorores and it drives me completely insane.

I also host every Sunday but I only cook 1 meal.Any picky eaters are welcome to bring something different if they want, same for the special diet people. No one has ever complained they’re really there to meet up with family.

Your mum is out of order and presumably doesn’t have to wrestle kids as well as cook.

(Picky eaters are picky because they’re allowed to be and shouldn’t be indulged!)

I would do a roast with all the extras and they can eat what they like or pasta with a couple of sauces, separate, garlic bread salad etc so people just choose the parts they want. I couldn’t cook more than 2 meals.

To be honest this sounds like a headache!!! I think one meat main and one vegan main is more than ok and things like shepherds pies are good as they can be prepared in advance too.
I absolutely would be doing the same and if they don’t like it then that’s up to them!

That's three separate meals - a roast and two pasta dishes!

Tell your mother she's welcome to do the cooking and bring it over if she'd rather?

I think you need to cook for the medical diets and allergies, but not preferences. Philosophical diets like vegetarian fall into preference.

arfid is tough. It is medical, but we don’t expect people to cook to those severe limitations. even if they tried, it might not be accepted. So we just make sure everyone in the family with ARFID eats before and then has things like bread and cheese or we bring safe food. Luckily most family dinners are near a restaurant that makes one of DD’s safe foods so we just tend to pop out and pick her up a meal to have ready with everyone else.

Or tell them you’ll do it once a month and everyone then goes on a rota?

Nobody in my family has medical diets!

How rude of all the non-standard eaters to expect you to cook multiple items in the first place! Why not suggest each adult takes it in turn to host, and you can take extra chairs/folding tables if they don't have as much space as you. You might find some would stop being so picky.

Then make one meal.

Didn’t you realise this before you took over?

You are totally not being unreasonable- 2 versions is fine. Other reasons they can bring their own as you have said. Presumably thw point of meeting is family time.
If DM feels so strongly can she make and bring the other options?

Are you also paying for all this food? So everyone is over at yours for a free feed every Sunday? Definitely reasonable to limit the number of meals, and I take my hat off to you for doing it every week.

I daresay that if your mum is so bothered, she can resume hosting the Sunday lunches.
Otherwise she can suck it up.

Everybody helps with the cost of the food

Also to say with medical diets I would not expect a host to accommodate- I would bring my own

Well it’s all back to mums house from next week then.

Tell Mum she can come to yours a bit earlier and cook all the extra stuff if she wants.

Tbh when I had a kid with a picky phase I'd have been glad to just bring them a packed lunch, at least I'd know they would eat something.

I think your message to the family is spot on. It’s a lot of work to cook for all the various preferences/requirements.
if they don’t like your offering they are free to bring their own.
I agree with PPs it’s unfair for you to be doing it every week, draw up a rota when they are all at your house.

YANBU at all. There is no way in a million years that I would make different food to accommodate everybody. Making one meat option & one vegan option is enough and extremely kind.

I also would be happy to bring a packed lunch along for my picky children in these circumstances.

That does kinda change things tbh, are you still expecting them to pay for things they can't necessarily eat?

If it's so easy why was she so quick to unburden herself with the job at the first chance she got?

Have any of the parents of the fussy eaters etc responded?

I agree. I have coeliac and I don’t expect people to cater for me. I’ll find out what they’re planning and if it’s impossible for me to eat I’ll bring my own. Often I can eat most of a meal and just leave the gluten-containing elements out. I’m always mortified if I go to someone’s house for a roast and they’ve made me gluten free Yorkshire pudding and stuffing etc. It’s really lovely of them but I’d rather they didn’t go to so much bother.