I told my family that I refuse to make more than two meals at our weekly family dinner...AIBU?

[waterbottle1988]

DH and I moved into our new house about 4 months ago now. We have 2 DC. For about 10 years now my extended family has all had dinner together almost every Sunday. My DM and DF have hosted for the past 10 years. But when I moved into my new house, we invited everybody over for dinner and we realised that there there was a lot more space at my house for the weekly family dinner. So my DM asked if I could start hosting the family dinner every week. I agreed.

In my family one person is vegan, one person is vegetarian, multiple people have cut out certain foods (no medical reason, they just are on a diet). 5 of my nieces and nephews are picky eaters but they will still eat a decent range of foods. 2 of my nephews have autism and will only eat a handful of meals due to their sensory issue. Then everybody else likes a wide variety of food.

So every Sunday me and my husband end up cooking multiple different meals. The main meal mostly everybody loves, a vegan version of that meal, multiple dishes for some of my adult family members who are on certain diets, a completely separate meal for my nieces and nephews who are picky eaters and another completely separate meal for my nephews with autism. Hosting has become so difficult, and I am also a mum of 2, my kids are 7 and 3. I am starting to dread Sunday's now.

So yesterday I sent a text to my family. I said: "Hi everybody, I can't wait to see you all on Sunday. I just thought I should let you all know that me and DH have decided to only make two meals this Sunday. Shepherds pie and a vegan Shepherds pie. Unfortunately I have started to find Sunday's very stressful because I end up cooking multiple different meals all day long. You are free to bring your own food, that is perfectly fine. But from now on, I am only cooking the main meal and a vegan version of that meal. This is nothing personal, and I am not angry at anybody, but I am just trying to decrease my own stress level."

I sent that text and got a private message from my mother. She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences. My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

AIBU?

Simple answer…

“Hi mum, glad to hear you find it really easy accommodating everyone’s dietary needs. I take it you will be able to cater to those every week while DH and I cover the main meal. I’ll tell everyone you’re sorting it. Thanks so much”

No, if they are bringing their own food then I don't mind paying for all the food that I am making

Everybody reacted to the message with emoji's but nobody sent a text in response

Couldn’t read. Was too stressful. Sounds like one big dinner performance.

You could always go back to Sunday lunch at your mum’s or others could take turns hosting

Wait, so you’re cooking for what, 12-15 people every single Sunday? So you can’t go to the beach, or for a mooch round the shops, or for brunch with friends because you have to cook a great big meal every single Sunday? There’s no way in hell I’d do that. If your mum was happy doing that for 10 years then good for her, it that’s a ridiculous about of effort that most people only do at Christmas or for birthdays. I’d cut it down to once a month, for a start, or even better once a month and rotate it. Sundays are for relaxing and getting ready for the week ahead, not being an à la carte restaurant for a bunch of fusspots.

No way would I be doing that every week. How many people are coming on a Sunday.
During this hot weather I have hardly been cooking at all.Its just madness.

I am genuinely flabbergasted that anyone would walk themselves into such a thankless nightmare every week.

Give your head a wobble.
Once a month would be exceedingly hospitable.

Madness.

No way would I give up every Sunday to the kitchen . I wouldn’t even want them all over every Sunday .

This arrangement sounds hideous. I can see why you'd host weekly because of the space but surely turns could be taken to bring the meals? Also, is your setup that your mum doesn't work and doesn't have kids to manage? If so then of course she'd have time to cater for everyone.

Catering for your family sounds a nightmare!

Can you find one dish that the vegan, vegetarian and fussy earers can handle, and just keep making that for them. Same thing every week. Dull but safe

So you have (1) one dish of your choice, depending what you fancy making and (2) your dull but safe dish, on repeat

Or ask them to bring their own food, ready to serve / microwave

See how it goes and ignore your mum. If it doesn't work then try a bring and share where everyone brings a dish to contribute to a buffet, maybe that would make it less stressful? It seems mad to me that one person is doing all the cooking every time!

I think that's totally fair.

One of my kids was really fussy when she was little so I do understand what it's like, but if we were going somewhere where she wouldn't like the food, we just brought her a sandwich along, and/or she would eat just the bits she liked eg some potato off the pie.

You are crazy to be doing that every Sunday like it’s Christmas or something. I wouldn’t do it. Or I’d do it once a month,if that. If it must be weekly, why can’t people bring dishes like a pot luck thing? Why are you having to cook everything (and presumably clean up before and after) especially when you have 2 young children?! Yanbu at all but a little mad to be doing all that to begin with. You are not your mother. You don’t have to do it just because she did.

Then maybe instead of paying for food some of them bring food that they can eat themselves.

I take into account carnivores, vegetarians, children and halal at Christmas. I get pissed off when DH says (loudly) that he doesn’t like turkey.

I can only go with that nonsense once a year!!!

Bring and share sounds good. You could call it "family tapas"!

Or, ask family for suggestions of meals where two meals accommodate the whole group's requirements. Get them to acknowledge how limiting it is

So not only do you never go away for the weekend or have a Sunday outing or just chill but your extended family are the same? Do the ILs feel the same or do they come reluctantly? I would make this monthly as well as the two meal thing.
Also a toast to your parents this weekend for hosting such fussy people for 10 years.

YANBU. The difference between you and your mum is that you have 2 small kids to look after as well as hosting

Make it a once or twice a year thing. (With one meal option, vegans can eat roast vegetables)
Why spend four days a month on such tedious work?

I have a similar situation with my family. The way I balance it is I make something like pasta and cook chicken, sauce, salad, garlic bread - and then serve everything separate for people to help themselves. Everybody eats the bits they like. You are not being unreasonable though. My ds has arfid - I always bring his meal.

My guess is that the meal will slowly be attended by fewer and fewer people. It sounds like you’d all be better having dinner at home and meeting up after to see each other for a catch up.

My friends child has some sensory issues around food and his parents wouldn’t take him somewhere every week where he may not eat and may become upset. If they were going to have to cook anyway, they would stay at home where other things are easier for him.

I think having a large number of family for dinner every week sounds like a nightmare. It’s something people do a few times a year, not weekly. We have a large family meal monthly but we go out to make it easier.

Think you are absolutely right to have sent your message!
I get like this when we occasionally host family meals. I have, as does my son, some medical dietary requirements. Easily catered for. My parents are fine but my siblings's family are a nightmare......
Tend to make a meal now and they can take or leave what they don't want - there's always toast!!
I often split different courses round different family members to help.....

Yanbu x

You are being entirely reasonable. I think I would be inclined to do as many ‘component parts’ meals as possible, the only problem with
shepards pie is it’s an all in one dish. If you want to do an all in one (which, as the host is totally fine) I’d be tempted to serve with veg and bread. Therefore increasing the options for those with requirements. Going forward I would do us you have done and message out with exactly what’s on offer and then allow people to decide for themselves if they are going to eat it or make alternative arrangements.

No way would I do that. I host a family BBQ every year in June as it's birthday month for 5 people. I volunteer to do the hosting so birthday people can do something special on their day. That's around 18 people and it's a lot of work to get the food just right. I can't imagine doing this every Sunday.