To want to keep our wedding tiny even if it upsets his family?

[pe0ny]

Me and my fiancé have ended up going round in circles with this so thought I’d ask on here because I honestly don’t know if I’m being selfish.

He’s from Brazil, we’ve both lived in the UK for years now and got engaged this year. We finally sat down to actually talk weddings instead of just saying “we’ll sort it later” and it turns out we’re completely on the same page. Which is we don’t really want a wedding 😂

I know that sounds odd because obviously we do want to get married. It’s just all the big wedding stuff neither of us are bothered about.

If it was completely up to us we’d probably book the registry office, have our parents there maybe a couple of close people then go for something to eat after. I’d honestly be quite happy with that. Part of me feels that’s a bit unreasonable though because it is a wedding and maybe I should make more of an effort?

His mum and sister don’t agree anyway. They’ve got this idea now that we should get married in Brazil because that’s where most of their family are and every time we speak it gets a little bit bigger.

It’s things like

• big church
• huge reception
• loads of family
• proper wedding dress
• photographer
• videographer
• loads of flowers
• music all night
• people I’ve never even met apparently

None of it’s horrible. It just isn’t us. I keep getting sent pictures and videos and told you’ll only do this once, you’ll regret keeping it small, everyone wants to celebrate with you.

I get where they’re coming from honestly I do. I know weddings are a much bigger family thing there than what I’m used to and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m looking down on that because I’m really not.

It’s more that I’d rather spend the money on literally anything else if I’m honest. We’re hoping to buy somewhere bigger eventually, we’d like to travel, we’d rather have money sitting there than spend loads on one day. I don’t even care about the dress that much. I know some people have dreamed about that since they were kids but I never have.

My fiancé keeps saying to them that it’s what HE wants as well so it’s not like they’re blaming me to my face or anything, but then a few days later it’ll be another message with another venue or another idea.

Now I’m wondering if I’m the awkward one. Part of me thinks just go along with it because it’ll make everyone happy and it’s only one day.

Then I think but it’s our one day isn’t it? I don’t want to start married life feeling like we had a wedding for everyone else.

I know people will probably say compromise but I genuinely don’t know what that looks like here because even what I’d call small probably sounds disappointing to them.

AIBU to stick with what we want even if it means upsetting his family a bit?

You don’t owe them anything but there’s a compromise, quiet low key wedding in uk, just how you want it then a big party in Brazil, with or without a blessing, as for a dress, there a compromise there, off the shelf dresses are available from places like monsoon for modest prices compared to bridal shops or choose a lovely special occasion dress. Have any little nieces as bridesmaids with off the shelf pretty dresses, no need for adult bridesmaids etc. buffet dinner and dancing not sit down … compromise do it’s still you but they aren’t completely left out

You don’t owe them anything but there’s a compromise, quiet low key wedding in uk, just how you want it then a big party in Brazil, with or without a blessing, as for a dress, there a compromise there, off the shelf dresses are available from places like monsoon for modest prices compared to bridal shops or choose a lovely special occasion dress. Have any little nieces as bridesmaids with off the shelf pretty dresses, no need for adult bridesmaids etc. buffet dinner and dancing not sit down … compromise do it’s still you but they aren’t completely left out

Honestly just elope! Or do a Mumsnet special and ask for a couple of witness on here and book the registry office on a weekday afternoon. Tell no one. Then it s a done deal. They’ll stop complaining eventually. You could perhaps let them host a big party in Brazil but if neither of you want it then don’t.

Three of my closest friends had tiny weddings. One went abroad, just her and her husband. The others married later, after children, and just had their dc there. All of them very happy, and didn’t want to spend thousands on something that they didn’t want to do. I had a relatively small wedding compared to many, I think it was around 48 people in total at the end, and it was still stressful to organise. Ours wasn’t expensive as we did most of it ourselves, but even small weddings can get very costly.
It is hard to go against what family want, but it would be mad to throw a huge amount of money at something neither of you want.

We had something similar. My mum wanted me to have a massive wedding in my home town even though i not lived there for many years. I have a big family and my DH doesn't.
We de idea to get married abroad, those people who cated enough would find the money & time to come.
I had a wedding dress on the beach with a sun total of 14 people !!!
It was amazing !!

You're the ones getting married, just have the wedding you want!

Brazil Is a very expensive destination. One of my children went to a wedding there last year, they tagged it onto their annual holiday, but not many friends or family from the uk partners side attended as it was too expensive. If his family want to pay for the extravagant wedding then possibly, but while you’re paying you decide what you want.

I would go and do registry because I hate fuss. Op your never going to please everybody so you might as well concentrate on the 2 of you. Your letting people tell you what you should do but you know what you want and it’s no where near similar so do you. Honestly you will probably regret it more if your wedding becomes about others rather than you.

Why not have a small wedding, elope even. Then have a big party at a later date. I eloped then had a big family do about 7 months later. That way everyone was happy

Why not have a small wedding, elope even. Then have a big party at a later date. I eloped then had a big family do about 7 months later. That way everyone was happy

I get wanting to save money for other things. Maybe say they'll have to pay because you're money is earmarked-then they'll have to put up or shut up.

This is nothing to do with his family’s wants and needs, particularly when you are both on the same page. You just need to present it as a fait accompli/this is how it’s going to be.

No you’re perfectly fine.

Id do your small registry office wedding then if you feel like it tell your MIL she can throw and plan and pay for what ever party she wants in Brazil for you guys and you will attend in your wedding gear.

Elope. Tell nobody until afterwards.

If it was completely up to us we’d probably book the registry office
It is completely up to you both. No one else should really have a say.
Get married, have a party.
Don't change what you want to keep others happy.

Do your wedding your way.

Have the wedding YOU both want.

It's no one else's day.

I regret every anniversary that we didn't have the day we wanted and it's 20 years this year.

You only do it once. Do it your way.

Elope and announce after

It's your day and you should have the one you want. We had a small wedding and it was lovely. No regrets despite MIL's disappointment. She kept saying she had a list of people she wanted to invite, we should make a gift list for her friends etc. None of that was for us.

We ultimately booked the wedding we wanted then gave them the details and that was that, no more room for suggestions or negotiation.

As a PP said, you'll not regret having a small wedding but you will regret, and possibly resent, having a big wedding to keep other people happy.

It doesn't sound like the preference for a small wedding is being entirely driven by money so if the big party isn't something you want, I wouldn't feel pressured into offering that as a compromise.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I had a small wedding just like you described. I loved it and have never regretted it.

Your fiance has to control his family. He sends them an email that tells them to stop sending any and all ideas. He tells them the guest list is complete, and we are no longer taking any additions or suggestions. He has to repeat this to them every single time than they interject. This is his problem. The answer to them is always the same: not your wedding; stop making suggestions.