To want to keep our wedding tiny even if it upsets his family?

[pe0ny]

Me and my fiancé have ended up going round in circles with this so thought I’d ask on here because I honestly don’t know if I’m being selfish.

He’s from Brazil, we’ve both lived in the UK for years now and got engaged this year. We finally sat down to actually talk weddings instead of just saying “we’ll sort it later” and it turns out we’re completely on the same page. Which is we don’t really want a wedding 😂

I know that sounds odd because obviously we do want to get married. It’s just all the big wedding stuff neither of us are bothered about.

If it was completely up to us we’d probably book the registry office, have our parents there maybe a couple of close people then go for something to eat after. I’d honestly be quite happy with that. Part of me feels that’s a bit unreasonable though because it is a wedding and maybe I should make more of an effort?

His mum and sister don’t agree anyway. They’ve got this idea now that we should get married in Brazil because that’s where most of their family are and every time we speak it gets a little bit bigger.

It’s things like

• big church
• huge reception
• loads of family
• proper wedding dress
• photographer
• videographer
• loads of flowers
• music all night
• people I’ve never even met apparently

None of it’s horrible. It just isn’t us. I keep getting sent pictures and videos and told you’ll only do this once, you’ll regret keeping it small, everyone wants to celebrate with you.

I get where they’re coming from honestly I do. I know weddings are a much bigger family thing there than what I’m used to and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m looking down on that because I’m really not.

It’s more that I’d rather spend the money on literally anything else if I’m honest. We’re hoping to buy somewhere bigger eventually, we’d like to travel, we’d rather have money sitting there than spend loads on one day. I don’t even care about the dress that much. I know some people have dreamed about that since they were kids but I never have.

My fiancé keeps saying to them that it’s what HE wants as well so it’s not like they’re blaming me to my face or anything, but then a few days later it’ll be another message with another venue or another idea.

Now I’m wondering if I’m the awkward one. Part of me thinks just go along with it because it’ll make everyone happy and it’s only one day.

Then I think but it’s our one day isn’t it? I don’t want to start married life feeling like we had a wedding for everyone else.

I know people will probably say compromise but I genuinely don’t know what that looks like here because even what I’d call small probably sounds disappointing to them.

AIBU to stick with what we want even if it means upsetting his family a bit?

Have the wedding YOU want. We had a small register office wedding with 5 immediate family members and 6 friends. No posh clothes, no flowers, no music.
That was in 1974 and we're still happy together. As others have said, it's the marriage that's important, not the wedding. Never even occurred to us to have a big do.

Not unreasonable.
But going around in circles will get you nowhere.
Go and do it quietly on your own.
Take no one.

Present it as a fait accompli.

As much as I loved my wedding day, if I were to do it again I'd do it just our immediate family and then go to a really nice restaurant afterwards.

The amount of money we spend was more than the house deposit we put down a year later (cheap area and 5% deposit - but still!).

It is not their wedding, so their opinions aren’t relevant.

I think huge expensive weddings are bullshit unless you're extremely wealthy and like ostentatious displays.

Who would be paying for all this fol de rol?

I'd keep it simple. It's your wedding. If they're pressuring you I'd just go off and get married, no fuss, no muss, done.