My boyfriend’s mum still has a tracker on his phone… he’s 31

[TryingNotToJudgeMyBf]

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for just under a year and, overall, he’s lovely. Kind, funny, has a good job, owns his own place. I genuinely thought I’d found one of the good ones.Then something happened last weekend that has completely thrown me.

We were out for dinner about 45 minutes from where we live when his phone rang. He glanced at it, sighed and said, “It’s Mum.”
He answered and the first thing she said was, “Why are you in Oxford? I thought you were just going into town.”

I laughed because I assumed she’d seen a photo on social media or something. But after he hung up I asked how she knew where we were. He looked at me as if it was completely normal and said, “Oh, she can see my location.” I asked if he’d shared it with her because we were meeting up afterwards “No,” he said. “She’s always had it. Apparently she set it up years ago “for safety” when he first moved away from home, and neither of them has ever turned it off.
I said that was unusual for a 31 year old man. He shrugged and said, “It makes her happy.”

The next morning we decided to drive to the coast on a whim. About halfway there his phone buzzed. His mum had texted: “Didn’t realise you liked Brighton. Weather’s nicer where you are than here.” An hour later another message: “You’re parked a long way from the seafront.” Then “Are you staying overnight? I hope you’ve booked somewhere decent.”

When we got back to the hotel, he admitted she checks his location “a few times a day”. He laughed and said she gets worried if he stays in one place for too long because she wonders if he’s been in an accident.

He confessed she also has alerts set up so she gets notified when he arrives at work and when he gets home. Apparently she texted him once asking why he’d left work at 2pm.
He’d gone to the dentist. Then I found out she’s rung him before because she saw he was at a retail park and wanted him to pop into M&S for her.

A couple of days ago I was at his flat when the doorbell rang. His mum had popped round completely unannounced. When he asked why she’d come over she said “Well, your location said you were home and you hadn’t replied to my text.” She genuinely couldn’t understand why that might be crossing a line.

My boyfriend insists it’s harmless, says she’s just anxious, and thinks I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. He says, “If you’ve got nothing to hide, why does it matter if she knows where I am?” I’ve tried explaining that it’s not about hiding anything and that it’s about having some privacy and boundaries as an adult.

Then yesterday, he casually asked if I’d be willing to share my location with him permanently because “it would make things easier.” When I asked why, he admitted his mum had suggested it so she’d know where both of us were if we were together.

AIBU to think this is completely bizarre, or is this more common than I realise?

Obviously he can and does but sometimes the rail companies have other ideas. If I can see he hasn’t even left the station I can plan my time better, often that is feeding myself earlier if I am going out. Or starving. I also do sometimes like to be nice and have a meal ready for him when he gets in if that doesn’t sound too 1950’s housewife😂

This is extremely odd. My son turned his off when he went to uni and we’ve not had it since. For children it’s great but an adult man of 31 no way. Imagine what she’ll be like if you marry and have kids!

Jesus how sinister is this.

Do not move in with or marry this man.

If your boyfriend doesn’t mind then I don’t know why it bothers you so much. It’s up to him.

I don’t track anyone apart from my husband. He doesn’t track me though. I find it useful. He often drives long distances and it’s handy to know when he is getting home without ringing him.
My adult kids would never let themselves be tracked but I’ve a close friend whose whole family can track each other. The kids have left home and are fully independent. I find it a bit odd but it works for them. Her kids definitely wouldn’t allow it if it bothered them. They aren’t mummy’s boys at all.

I have life 360. I use it mainly to check where dd1/2 are if they go out late but that's about it.( Teenagers).
They both like to make sure I'm OK as I travel a lot for work. Often they know im arriving somewhere at a particular time, they'll check ive made it or if im still on a train.
But I check it very rarely. I'll WhatsApp first then check life360.
Dd1 has her friends on life360 too which is slightly odd but they and their friends like it.
DH hates the idea.

Imagine if you want a day at home, and the deranged MIL is shouting: I can see you are in there! Open the door, your tracker says you are in!"😂

Good lord, just no.

That is v odd behaviour from the mum and your boyfriend is pandering to her every whim and anxiety. Some family therapy would be useful there.

We share locations, I don’t think it’s that weird (although DS turned his off ages ago and I haven’t asked him to turn it back on - he’s 22). We still have DD (24) - I rarely look at it and only to see if she’s left work or staying out so I know if she’s gonna be home for dinner (rubbish at answering messages), and also to see if DH is en route home so can time dinner.

This is a perfect example - yes, same as teenagers, also swearing, like teenagers from a wee scheme.

Another weekend wind up? Where’s Op?

I’m afraid I agree with this. The mummy’s boy I married never grew up or learnt how to adult and as a result I kicked him out because having him around was like having another child.

This is exactly the kind of thing that his parents used to do, we were driving to Cornwall once and his mum rang us in a fluster saying we were going the wrong way (we weren’t!!).

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Young adults are much less independent than they were 20 years ago and this is part of it.

“anxiety” isn’t an excuse, this kind of things just feeds it. Tracking someone doesn’t stop bad things happening to them. Have to let go of the apron strings sometime. You’ll get lots of people here saying it’s fine because they track their adult kids but it’s fucking weird. It’s different with secondary aged kids or vulnerable adults but not independent adult children

This

The fact that OP’s bf has now asked her to share her location with him speaks volumes. Many controlling relationships begin with this kind of thing.

The questioning and alerts is very odd behaviour and I would have to turn it off if that was happening! But my mum can see my location at all times, it's a 3-4hr drive to visit and it's handy for checking how far away we are and gives her peace of mind that we're still moving and nothing has happened. I can also see hers for the same reason, and I also check to make sure she's home before I call sometimes.

We just leave it on so we don't have to send a new link each time one of us travels

Do it back to her. Jump out at her in sainsburys.

I can't wait for human microchipping to become a thing. Some on this thread will orgasm at the thoughts of it.

I am against tracking people. Full stop against it. It is wrong and a total invasion of privacy and I never ever believe the 'its so i know when he is on his way home to cook' bollox. You track people you do not trust and if you do not trust someone then go to therapy.

FFS, this is gonna be me with mine🤣🤣🤣I hate not knowing where they are LOL.

Pretty much all my family, all ages, do this. Don't see a problem-it often actually promotes privacy/stops interruptions in that people know if I'm still at work/stuck in traffic etc so won't ring or text me as much.
If they then rang to ask why I was in X, that would annoy me, unless there was a good reason eg I'd told them I'd be meeting them.
So think it's unreasonable to question why any age would use trackers, but reasonable to think she shouldn't be bothering him, unless she had a good reason.

My 30-something DD is on my phone I am on hers. Her request. I think she's a bit worried as I live alone. I don't mind, as long as it's two-way.

Very touchingly, when any woman in her houseshare goes on a date with a new man, one of them tracks her. With her permission of course.

That's ridiculous though. If I'm stuck at a train station or on delayed trains I keep my DH updated with text messages. I dont expect him to routinely stop his cooking to track where I am. How often are you checking your DHs?

We are semi retired, he works at a distance maybe one day every couple of weeks. He will have told me what train he is booked on to come home. I usually check about fifteen minutes after the train should have left. If he is still at the station, or indeed the venue, then I know he will not be in for the time we have loosely planned to eat. He will keep me informed but is not someone who spends as much time on WhatsApp as I do. It may sound odd but it works for us, I am not a control freak or a trad wife but I do like to be able to plan as I work or attend classes a few evenings each week.

I don't even understand WHY the diner has to be ready at precisely the minute someone walks in 😂

I would also expect adults (and teens) to learn to be proactive and not give up all responsibility and expect someone to have to track them to know what's happening.

Being constantly tracked is so weird, you'd hope there would be uproar if it was mandatory?

All my kids are on Strava and can follow my activities on there, and even that feels a bit weird, when none of my runs are a secret.

That’s a very, very long umbilical chord.

Seems odd that it took a year for you to find this out.

I don't even understand WHY the diner has to be ready at precisely the minute someone walks in 😂 perhaps the person cooking is hungry but is waiting so they can eat together especially if they are late. Personally, I'd eat mine when it was ready but other people are nicer than me.