Hate my friend's boyfriend

[neo6]

How do you navigate a close friendship when you can't stand their new partner? Been friends 20 years. Still a strong friendship. See each other regularly. She has a new partner who she met online. My dislike of him all stems from one comment he made and I just can't stand him. We were out and he said that he liked following Instagram accounts of people who are terminally ill then waits for them to die. If he hadn't have made this comment i would have thought he was normal and pleasant. But I just can't get the fact he does this out of my head. I asked my friend if it worried her as it worried me and she said each to their own. He even showed us some of the accounts of the people who had died and seemed almost gleeful doing it. Like he intentionally searches for people who are sharing their final moments and looks forward to the memorial post. I'm not mad thinking this is completely vile am I? Am I overreacting?

Fuck me! That’s grim. I’m baffled by this one. Oh dear.

Technically not doing any harm, I guess?? People knowingly post publicly, it’s no secret that anyone can view. But yeah my gut reaction is the same as yours, that’s absolutely vile. Trying to find any way this wouldn’t creep me out… maybe if he’d said it helped him to appreciate life and make the most of every day? Or it’s good to see how much love there is in the world when he reads the memorial posts? It’s not easy to find a positive spin imo, instinctively it feels inappropriate and invasive and gross.

It was gross. He knew everything about them. Like he clicked on one and said 'this one died of ALS' and another who had cancer, etc. I feel annoyed I didnt say more at the time but it was so awkward that I just sat there looking shocked and asked my friend about it yesterday. He was extremely drunk.

This is pretty weird. Is he frightened of death or does he get off on it? It's definitely not normal. I wonder why your friend is ok with this. Odd.

I have absolutely no idea. She said each to their own, that hes just a very honest person and seems to think everyone is like this and he is just very honest. He seemed more fascinated by it. Maybe I am over thinking. Its like I can't explain why there was just something extremely off about the way he was acting.

Honestly, as a former death worker, he may just be trying to understand how people die. Way to many people are distant from the reality of death and dying. I may raise an eyebrow at the comment but I wouldn't think much of it.

That's a fair comment. It was more that he seemed to seek out dozens of people who are dying. Follow them until they die. Then unfollow. I got very odd vibes by the way he was smiling about it and knew instantly what names to type in to find them, even people he wasn't following anymore. Maybe not as odd as I thought? Just found it all really weird

Did he think he was being quirky funny?

I don’t agree with the content he chooses to watch. However I do think that you need to decide what side of the fence you are on.

I very strongly disliked my best friend’s partner for different reasons but in order to keep our friendship going I had to bite my tongue and ignore certain things I didn’t agree with.

I picked and chose how much to see them together and somehow had to find a balance of not letting her know how a truly felt as I still really valued her her as a friend - he was her only Achilles heel and the rest of her was still great.

I did question if it came down to a choice then if she would choose our friendship but I just chose not to spend much time in his company but not in an obvious way and became a friend of the relationship whereas lots of others didn’t. He wasn’t doing anything abusive, just had string views on a few things that I didn’t agree with.

It’s hard but I think you have to try and step outside your own views and think about how much you value your friendship with her separately from his content preferences.

If he liked this kind of thing then no doubt there will be some other knobbish behaviours that will come to the surface soon and she’ll see what a dick he is if she is normally a good judge of character. She’ll need you to be there to pick up the pieces. I do get it though.

Don't see the problem if people post themselves things anyhow...my problem would be if he said he searched porn or stuff lol

Well it is indeed weird obsession. Very definitely. It would have me wondering if he's a bit of a psychopath tbh. Whatever's going on it's odd.

He sounds like a nutbar. But your friend will 100% side with him if you try to raise it. I’ve had friends with awful DPs twice who eventually realised. Both times I cooled the friendship as much as possible and waited for my friends to see the light, which they both did eventually. In a third case, I had a friend who persistently chose awful blokes to shack up with. We’d been friends all through school but finally in my mid thirties I gave up on her when she brought a baby into her latest drama-filled batshit relationship.

New boyfriend is obsessed with the dying and death of strangers.

Yes in one way i think its odd but I think most people have one thing about them that others may think odd or creepy or whatever ao if that is the only thing about him I dont think it is anything to do with me

I dont think of men as robots where every box has to ticked on passing some made up test to make them perfect

They are allowed to be human like women and have faults

I wouldn't like that either and wouldn't want to spend much time in his presence.

Creepy and pervy is how I would describe this, and would have a hard time stopping myself from telling friend so.

It's not that I have a problem with dealing with death because I don't. I have sat through the night with first my DH and then three months later my mother this year and held their hands as they died. It's not a spectator sport though, and this man is just a short step away from treating it as such.

He is not present in the room, but what he is doing still seems pervy and intrusive.

He sounds like a freak, and I’m not surprised it doesn’t sit right with you.
Not a lot you can do though as your DF obviously doesn’t mind.

But, it's not the same as leaving the toilet seat up or not putting your cup in the dishwasher.

Odd behaviour and to bring it up with you on your first meeting was creepy.

In your situation I’d tell your friend that him doing this bothers you and that you don’t want to meet him again. Then don’t.

It's ghoulish. Reminds me of the crowds that used to flock to public executions.

And also what's with the " extremely drunk" ? Was this a one off exceptional occasion or is he in habit of drinking to excess ? This would also make me wary of him if heuis a heavy drinker.

He sounds like a creep.

It's a bit weird but I suppose you could compare it to being interested in true crime, or watching/reading horror. And those are considered completely acceptable hobbies. Some people listen to true crime podcasts daily, and those are all about real grisly murders.

It is obviously is very weird and creepy, but you know that. That wasn't your question. You asked how to navigate this with your friend. I cannot stand my best friend's partner. He has treated her like shit for the last 3 or 4 years, stringing her along, dropping her and then picking her back up again just as she is getting her life sorted. I have told her my feelings about and we don't do any form of couples socialising. I see her on her own, or we meet with kids. We sometimes have to deal with him if there is a larger gathering, where we are polite, but focus our time on other people in the group. What I don't do is bang on about how much I dislike him. She knows my feelings and there is little point going on about it. I'll be there when it inevitably goes to shit. I neither facilitate the relationship, but nor do I constantly slag it off.

I agree totally with this. He's using it as a hobby, a pastime, not going through the grieving process for a close friend or family member. He's taking an undue interest in the deaths of other people's friends and family members, whose lives he was never part of. And it doesn't sound as if it's based on empathy, sorrow, or shared experiences. He gets a kick out of it.

Perhaps he has to get very, very drunk before he shares this with anyone. I'd be worried about my friend too, OP, but like others here have said, your role is to support her and be there if she needs you.

Unfortunately in many cases love is blind, not much you can do.

The way he explained and showed this to you doesn't seem like he is using this to understand death, it seems he finds it entertaining. That is creepy and I think someone has to be very detached from human emotions to find that entertaining.

TBH I'm not sure how I'd feel about my friend being ok with it. Sure, people turn a blind eye to things in the early, heady days of relationships but that is a very peculiar thing to ok with. Maybe in a while, once the love goggles are off, she might be wondering why on earth she continued seeing him.