AIBU not wanting to send birthday gifts to my estranged mother?

[SummerPeonies2026]

To cut a very long and painful story short. My father didn’t want children and openly said he neither liked us or loved us. He was very abusive physically and emotionally and my mother stood by, and allowed this to continue until I left home. As a young adult I persevered trying to have some kind of relationship with them - but cut my father off when he started being abusive to my own children (MN really helped back then)

Fast forward a decade my mother has never really forgiven me for not being prepared to tolerate him for her sake. She said I should carry on allowing my df access to my dc for her sake, so she can have family gatherings etc. She acknowledges what he does is very harmful but says he can’t (won’t) change, and therefore we must put up with it.

Over the years she has slowly stopped visiting and even calling, and shows little to no interest. It’s become a text only arrangement, which is very sad for all of us. It feels like a form of punishment. I know she holds a grudge, but there is no way I can compromise my children. I had asked my father 3 yrs ago if we did agree to meet could he be nice to the children, and he said no - he is what he is.

In the spring, I said to my mother I felt so hurt that we now have next to no relationship, and I would dearly love to be closer to her, but I recognise this probably won’t happen now. She cut me off. She hasn’t spoken to me since April. She didn’t even reply to the message, and I haven’t heard from her since. I had been trying to arrange a visit to her at the time, but she didn’t seem very bothered, in the end I had to be honest about how hurtful it is. I feel constantly rejected, as her last three silent treatment times went on for 9 months and 12 months each, and then she comes back and pretends everything is fine.

My mother expects flowers, visits, balloons, cake and generous gifts for all occasions, but especially her birthday. Her birthday is now coming up, and I’m not sure what to do. I have always continued to send flowers, gifts from all of us whether she is talking to me or not, but this year I really don’t want to. I know she will expect it, and will be disappointed, and I don’t want to ruin her day but she isn’t even speaking to me.

I would send nothing.

Both your parents are abusive, but you only recognise your father as being so because he's openly honest about it.

Your mother is manipulative and emotionally damaging. Cut them both off - you will be happier and you owe neither of them any kind of relationship.

So sorry OP. They are both fuckers. You don’t owe your mother anything, she sounds awful. Whilst it's very hard to grieve the absence of loving parents please don't pass this shit onto your children. I hope you have nice friends and other family around you.

It's completely up to you obviously
But in you position I would go no contact and not have a relationship at all and that includes sending cards/presents.
I am no contact with my mother and have been for more than half my life. A relative tried to guilt trip me in to sending my mother a birthday present once. So I sent one of the Oxfam charity gifts. It was something like buying a goat for a community or something.
Yes it was petty but my mother is incredibly selfish and never gave to charity and she would have hated that she didn't benefit from that present at all

Quite honestly, I think I may have held some hope for things to improve eventually, that she would make the time or want to see us. The tradition of gifts etc kept the door ajar. But now it feels pointless. There is no reason now ( like covid etc) why she is so distant, she is just choosing to be. It’s unavoidably the truth. And it was probably the case all along, I had been just making excuses for her - in denial. Because I can’t bear to think of her as she is.

Really simply...

Your mother gives zero fucks about hurting you or upsetting you.

On that basis i think GOOD if she is upset and disappointed on her birthday.

While it wont teach her empathy she might learn a smidge of reciprocal altruistism and maybe give one crumb of thought to you.

The pair of them sound fucking wretched and in some ways I'd argue she's as bad as him

Send her fuck all and spend the money you would have wasted on that poor excuse of a mother on a nice day out with your lovely family instead.

Nope I wouldn’t be sending her anything. If she complains tough. In fact go NC. She’s not going to change.

How about Fuck Off? I’m not being flippant. You and your children have been treated appallingly.

I like the idea of a really simple card that @Duvetdayneeded and @WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing suggested.

While I don't disagree that you've come to the end of your relationship it can be hard to let go, especially when you've done all the running your whole life. It might be easier on you to make a token gesture this birthday and then phase out remaining contact as and when you're ready.

By sending huge flowers etc, you’re pandering to her. She sends you minimal stuff, send exactly the same. You owe her less than nothing, she stood by and allowed your father’s appalling behaviour for decades. She’s disgusting. Imagine allowing that for your dc. You wouldn’t, would you?

I feel so sad for you , craving a normal parental relationship that isn’t open to you . I think you have to let them go . This constant angst is not healthy . Don’t send anything for her birthday. Let her realise what she’s missing . You father sounds an ogre .

It’s really hard cutting off a parent. I did this when I was 21 (I am 39 now) after an abusive, neglectful childhood. My ‘mother’ sounds similar to yours, only ever wanted the showy bits of motherhood, usually when all the attention was on her.

It’ll be very very hard, but if you can please do set some boundaries here and put yourself first. Your mother will only be facing the consequences of her actions and you’ve done nothing wrong. You’re a wonderful mum for protecting your children from this - sadly my brother continued a relationship with our mum and it’s been awful for him and his 2 children. It really isn’t worth it.

The guilt that you may feel will pass soon I promise 🩷

It’s the mum who should be feeling guilty . She hasn’t made any effort to protect her children from abuse . It is good OP can see how toxic her parents are and protect her own children .

The Pick Me dance is what the manipulative person is nudging their victim to do.

Whether it's trying to get a cheated-on wife to fight to retain her husband or an abused child to 'prove herself worthy' to a neglectful parent, the Pick Me dance is a weapon in abusers arsenal.

It's no shame to perform the Pick Me dance. As Gisele Pelicot says, the shame must change sides.

I think another person said it but it sounds like you are desperate for the relationship you wish you could have with a loving and caring mother.

I don’t have a relationship with my father which has bothered me for many years, but a few years ago I just decided to let it go because it’s almost worse wishing they’d be the person you want them to be. Not the person they are. And it gets easier over time.

I wouldn’t send her anything, yes she might be upset, but then so are you from her actions over the years. She’s not the only one who matters. You do too.

I would also always ask myself what would I do for my children, or expect from my children, and when I ask myself that it becomes far easier to accept that they’ve made their choice, not something I’d ever want to happen with my own children, and I’m sure you would fight to make sure your relationship with your own children was one to cherish, not manipulate.

I think I’d send a card. It’s the most neutral and least dramatic thing to do. You are already giving this a lot of thought which is understandable but pointless. Chuck a card in the post and forget about it.
im sorry you have had parents like that. I can’t imagine how awful it is.

OP I think you need to stop trying to have a relationship with a parent who will never give you the love, respect and care that you seek.

Your mother is never going to change and turn into the person you would like her to be.

Stop wasting your time and energy on her.

Focus on your own life and your loved ones and let go of her.

This is what to get her. Match her energy.

Don’t send flowers! Your parents sound awful, I’m so sorry. I know you feel guilty but you really shouldn’t.

Therapy might help to come to terms with your childhood and how it affected you.

Hi there, I completely understand how you feel. It took me a very long time to understand the impact of abuse in my childhood on my adult relationships, including with my mother. There is a very good book called “Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members” by Sherrie Campbell; I found it really helpful. If you did not feel unconditional love from your mother as a child, you are probably still chasing that now. Let it and her go, and put your energy into you and your own family x

My choice. When I was raped aged 20 at uni, I phoned her for some support. She was 500 miles away. She said “at least he didn’t strangle you afterwards” and then hung up on me.

And that’s not the worst of how she’s behaved towards me.

So what did your father say to you that was so awful? You referenced it in an earlier post.

Quite honestly Id just send a card OP with dear mum happy birthdat love OP. Signed from you and the kids.
That is enough given the circumstances.

Omfg. I couldn't just ignore that. Evil witch. Have a massive hug from me ❤️💐

@SummerPeonies2026 grieve for the parents you should have been blessed with. She's also abusive. Send a card at most. Don't pander to her though.

Like pp said have you had any counselling?

I am really sorry you did not get the care and support that should have been showered on you at that point in your life. It’s beyond crushing. I hope someone else was there for you - I really do 💐

Similarly I was sexually assaulted when I was eleven, in a very busy swimming pool on holiday in England, I remember the horror of it and telling my mother eventually as he was openly following me. I was really afraid of him. He was trying to get me on my own. He was around 20 years old. My mother said not to ruin the night, and to ignore him. She really didn’t se to care.

I was told off the following day for being too clingy, and sitting with my clothes on - on a sunbed. I felt utter shame and something close to hatred for my developing body. So I really do understand. I am so sorry. Your mother should be a safe harbour, and I felt personally quite rudderless without one.

Thank you for your replies. I am really glad I posted for strength. No one should be rewarded with gifts for being cruel or using manipulation tactics. I think I just needed to hear it. I am too ashamed to talk to my own friends about this.

For those that have had similar or difficult situations with their own parents, I am really sorry. I can hear the pain in your posts. 💐💐