AIBU not wanting to send birthday gifts to my estranged mother?

[SummerPeonies2026]

To cut a very long and painful story short. My father didn’t want children and openly said he neither liked us or loved us. He was very abusive physically and emotionally and my mother stood by, and allowed this to continue until I left home. As a young adult I persevered trying to have some kind of relationship with them - but cut my father off when he started being abusive to my own children (MN really helped back then)

Fast forward a decade my mother has never really forgiven me for not being prepared to tolerate him for her sake. She said I should carry on allowing my df access to my dc for her sake, so she can have family gatherings etc. She acknowledges what he does is very harmful but says he can’t (won’t) change, and therefore we must put up with it.

Over the years she has slowly stopped visiting and even calling, and shows little to no interest. It’s become a text only arrangement, which is very sad for all of us. It feels like a form of punishment. I know she holds a grudge, but there is no way I can compromise my children. I had asked my father 3 yrs ago if we did agree to meet could he be nice to the children, and he said no - he is what he is.

In the spring, I said to my mother I felt so hurt that we now have next to no relationship, and I would dearly love to be closer to her, but I recognise this probably won’t happen now. She cut me off. She hasn’t spoken to me since April. She didn’t even reply to the message, and I haven’t heard from her since. I had been trying to arrange a visit to her at the time, but she didn’t seem very bothered, in the end I had to be honest about how hurtful it is. I feel constantly rejected, as her last three silent treatment times went on for 9 months and 12 months each, and then she comes back and pretends everything is fine.

My mother expects flowers, visits, balloons, cake and generous gifts for all occasions, but especially her birthday. Her birthday is now coming up, and I’m not sure what to do. I have always continued to send flowers, gifts from all of us whether she is talking to me or not, but this year I really don’t want to. I know she will expect it, and will be disappointed, and I don’t want to ruin her day but she isn’t even speaking to me.

Do you want a relationship with your mother?

Or only a relationship with the mother that you wish you had (but your mother will not become)?

The silent treatment is a deliberate tactic to haul you back in because you haven't behaved in the way that she wants you to.
If you send her the usual birthday gifts she may graciously allow you back into her life. On her terms obviously.

It sounds like you don't want to send gifts, so don't. It's lovely that you are worrying about spoiling her birthday, but how much of your (and your children's) lives has she spoiled and not worried one it about?

I would have loved a relationship with my mother - but not if it means my children are harmed in the way I was. I still live with an ED, so even just the things my father says can be very damaging to my teen girls.

Yes, if I send her the gifts she will say thank you and I’ll be let in again. For now. Until the next time anyway. I have never not sent her birthday, Christmas, Easter eggs etc regardless of how she is.

Agree with the above. It’s time to draw a line in the sand. You have come through such a lot and deserve better than this manipulation.
Send a card and a voucher in the post in plenty of time. Spend the day doing something gorgeous with your own kids. With your phone switched off.

Stop giving her the power. She doesn't deserve anything from you.

I don’t really know what I would say in a card

I haven't seem my dm since 2012..
I most certainly don't send her cards or gifts.

Block her, on every method of communication she may have with you. Change your numbers and your email.

Any money you may have previously spent on appeasing her with gifts, instead use it for therapy for yourself to help you recover.

Move on with your life. They arent good enough for you or your children. They are not capable of normal parental love.
Having nothing at all to do with them will honestly he better for your long term mental health ❤️

Drop the rope. She doesn’t love you enough to prioritise you.

Don't send anything.

No contact. She had her opportunity to be a parent, and clearly doesn't want to be one.

Your mother wants a transactional and showy relationship. Don’t indulge her. You’ve done the exact right thing in prioritising your dc and yourself. Keep doing that, and stop this nonsense.

I’m NC with my mother. I don’t send her anything at all.

She wants to be a parent, but only on her terms. I know what those terms are and I can’t agree. I feel genuine anguish at the thought of just bypassing her day as she is 75, but I feel manipulated, cornered and forced. Conditioned almost.

Yes I recognise she will want her huge flowers and cards lined up in the windows, so she can pretend we are a normal family. She wants the best bits, but isn’t prepared to have a proper relationship with any of us.

You're estranged. Of course you don't send her anything.

She's been giving you the silent treatment so you do a Pick Me dance to get her back. That's not the behaviour of a loving parent. It's cruel and manipulative.

I'm sorry you don't have the parents you deserve; parents who treat you with love, consideration and respect. That must be so painful. Prioritise yourself and your children and step away from your cruel parents.

Thank you for your replies. I can’t bear the guilt, but I feel like I am selling myself out sending stuff to someone that treats me like this.

In what way is it pick me? I never really thought of it like that way.

Is it your choice to be nc? Or your mother’s choice?

What does she do for your birthday?

Card - dear mum, happy birthday, love x. Sorted.

She sends a card, small gifts and usually an Amazon voucher. Usually i would always visit her but she has never come for my birthday, not even a milestone with transport door to door. It has always been uneven.

Tell me about all the lovely things she does as a mother that makes her worth of cards and flowers. (And no - having unprotected sex 30 odd years ago doesn’t count.)

Well I can’t list anything at all for the last decade. She did take me to the library as I loved going there as a child, and once we had a walk to the meadow and she actually listened to me as I was so severely depressed due to my father’s violence. She came for an hour each week when my first baby was first born. I felt that she cared at some points.

Second this. Acknowledges the day, minimal input. You can’t be accused of ‘doing nothing’ but avoids extravagant gestures which leave you feeling uncomfortable.

Why is it okay for you to chase around after her and her to do nothing? Just ignore her and pretend she's dead. She doesn't deserve the headspace.

It’s always been that way. My mother has always come first.