To think dd’s boyfriends behaviour is odd?

[Willowandwonder]

My dd is 18, late summer born so she's just finished her first year of uni. She's had a bf for about 6 months. She had a previous boyfriend for 2 years from 16-18 and he ended up cheating on her so I was a bit weary especially as dd moved on quite fast. I met him once in May/beginning of June time and he didn't speak at all which I thought was odd but thought he was just shy

He went home for a few weeks to Poland but he's back and he's been staying for the last few days since he got back

DD says his English is much better than he lets on bur he still not really spoken to me. I don't know whether he's painfully shy or just doesn't want to speak to me

Today DD’s working a long shift and he's in her room on his phone. I took some washing into DD’s room and knocked, he got up and opened it and sat back down on his phone and I asked if he wanted a drink or something to eat and he just said “no thanks” except he hasn't eaten at all today or drank as I've been home all day and he's not been downstairs

The eating seems to be worrying me though as he never eats a proper meal with us, hell say he's not hungry or he’ll eat a few mouthfuls and stop. It isnt my cooking either as dd says he just doesn't really have a big appetite, they can order a pizza for example when they're at uni and he eats a slice or 2 and says dd can have the rest

But later on food disappears like crisps, chocolate, biscuits, yoghur, half a load of bread, occasionally fruit etc

He never seems to sit down and eat either has constantly picks at things instead. But a couple of times I've walked into the kitchen and he eats really quickly and shoves it in etc like he's been caught doing something wrong and then he suddenly isn't hungry at all. He also drinks a huge amounts of water compared to everyone else

Andon 2 occasions he’s gone into the toilet dowstairs and it sounds like he's been sick. I mentioned it to da as sort of an is he ok and he said he didn't feel very well but the on the. Other occasion he said he was fine

The other thing is he's constantly touching dd, if she's in the kitchen he's stood behind her with his arms around her. If she's watching tv in the living room he's leaning over her, if she walks past him he touches her shoulder or her waist. The other day I got home early and walked in on them in the living room as well which I obviously found uncomfortable, yes they're adults but there's nothing wrong with dd’s room for doing that sort of thing

AIBU for finding this odd? Any advice opinions etc appreciated

I wouldn't worry about the touching, apart from asking them to confine anything more to her bedroom.
It does sound as if he has an eating disorder though. Could you express your concern to your daughter?

I agree this is eating disorder territory, the poor guy. Could you have a word with your daughter about being worried about his eating, to gauge her awareness?

The touching is normal, that's young love for you, but that one's easily remidied, just ask them to keep it to the bedroom.

Why is he there when your dd is doing a long shift?

He has nowhere else to go

So he’s moved in with you for the summer basically and still hasn’t said a word to you? That’s odd.

I wouldn’t necessarily jump to eating disorder - he may just be shy with eating around you or helping himself or asking for food/drinks so he’s being secretive for that reason.

I would have a word with DD though and ask what might bring him out of his shell a bit - he can’t just sit upstairs in your house all day on his phone, how awkward for you!!

What an awful house guest

gently/subtly point out his behaviour is rude. Childish, unwelcome

hopefully she gets the ick

Does he live at your house? How has this happened without his speaking to you? If you've agreed he can live/stay there, I'd leave it up to him to say yes or no if you offer him food, but if food is disappearing that is meant for the whole family then of course figure out who is taking it and address it (not sure what your arrangements are for him and/or your daughter contributing to the household food budget). The constant touching is often a sign of immaturity/insecurity (e.g., it's his first relationship, it's new, he doesn't read social situations well) but I'd probably leave it alone if it's not inappropriately sexual and your daughter seems comfortable. If it is sexual, you are reasonable to remind her that that behaviour is private, but in the case you described of walking in on them she probably didn't expect you to come home during.

Why doesn’t he bugger off out for a few hours and eat at a cafe or buy stuff from a supermarket and eat at the park

i would hate this !

It’s not your job to house him, you should never have agreed. You hardly know him, and your DD had only been with him for 6 months.
He can go home for the summer

How long is he staying? Has he moved in with you for the rest of the summer?

YANBU I wouldn't feel comfortable with this either. Sounds like you need to have an adult conversation with dd about how you feel and what your expectations and boundaries are.

My DD had a BF who wouldn't speak to us unless we spoke to him, and stayed in her room when she was at work.
He turned out to be a really abusive piece of work (the polite version).

He's a walking red flag in my view and that's before the eating issues. Can you have an open conversation with her, or better still with both of them?

It sounds like social anxiety, he may come out of his shell after some more time.

He sounds socially inept, odd, reclusive and possibly saddled with an eating disorder and I’d be feeling pretty exasperated too. I’d also be concerned of my daughter seemed to be attracted to fixer uppers. It never ends well.

Food – the clearest explanation to me is that he has an eating disorder. Probably some type of anxiety disorder as well.

Touching your daughter – is he being explicitly sexual, or just physically affectionate?

The plan was that he was going to go home for the whole summer as he can't move into his uni place until August but he came back to the uk after 2 weeks which has left me in a difficult position.

It's a mix of both @YankSplaining

Left him in a difficult position. He's not your responsibility

I know a few polish ppl who act very simular to what you describe, im not saying they are all the same as they are not. Just as all English ppl are not the same. But from what I know its a reserved country and the ppl are more reserved. my friends are very shy with new ppl. They wont eat or drink in front of someone they don't know well for example..
It will take him time to get used to you. I have 2 teen daughters and i can say in the situation you describe I would be okay with it. He actually sounds like a really nice decent man. He feels safe' when your daughter is around which is why he's always touching her. (Especially as hes staying in a strange place that isnt his home)

Was there any discussion about him staying in your home? Are you saying he is sexually touching your daughter in front of others?

Yes it's odd?
Why is he living with you. I would say no.
Nobody should make you feel uncomfortable in your own home.
The minute you dont feel comfortable is the moment he shouldn't be there. It's your house

Is that your problem?

Unlike many posters replying here, I wouldn’t necessarily think eating disorder. As his social skills are so bad/shy, then I don’t think it’s surprising that he doesn’t feel comfortable eating with you. Sometimes it’s a fine line between shyness and rudeness, but he’s an adult and I feel he should be able to at least make small talk with you. The language barrier is kind of irrelevant, as he obviously has some English, and we can all manage to get by and show friendliness and appreciation even without much language.

I would insist on meals at the table in your housem no food in the rooms. Tell your dad this stops now or he can sleep elsewhere.

He may be extremely shy, I was when I was around 16-21, to the point I couldn’t even hold a conversation because I’d get embarrassed and overthink everything too much. I was the same with eating, I couldn’t eat in front of anyone or let them know I’d eaten as odd as that sounds, if I was at my boyfriends I would starve until I got home, at home I would eat barely anything and then raid the kitchen when everyone was in bed

Sorry they were shagging in the living room??

@SunshineandgrapefruitThey don't eat meals in dd’s room. He does sit at the tablewith us and only eats a few bites or says he's not hungry.

I did wonder if some of his behaviour was cultural differences but I'm not sure.

@Onceuponatime32 There was some discussion about him staying, yes but I didn't expect it to be all the time even when dd was at work. Not all the time, it is usually just dd’s waist or him leaning on her when theyre sat on the sofa and things like that but I have noticed on a few occasions him putting his hands on her chest when he's behind her if she's making a drink or making herself something to eat, she never seems to say anything to him and he does it quite subtle if that makes sense. He puts his hands on her waist then moves his hands to her chest then back to her waist again