To dislike play dates?

[Peonyyyy]

not all play dates, but ones at each other’s houses, on weekends. My husband and I both work during the week so we like to do stuff as a family on the weekend. Our 4 year old gets invited to play dates at other children’s houses (that they attend nursery with) and I find it annoying as it takes up 1/4 of the weekend, kids aren’t old enough to be left (I’m sure they do when the parents are good friends but these parents I only know through nursery drop off) and we then have to return the favour. Their kids absolutely trash our house and I don’t love being stuck inside chatting to a parent when we could be out doing something as a family.

I do like play dates that are out somewhere like a park or playground, or soft play as we’re getting out and doing something which we would’ve probably done anyway. But the house ones just annoy me as if someone invites you you then have to ask them to come to you etc etc.

I know I could just not do them/not invite them back but obviously it feels rude so we’re doing it but it’s not my favourite 😂

I’m sure once they’re at school and it’s after school play dates/ones where parents don’t have to stay that will be fine, I think it’s mainly the weekend taken up/house getting trashed/hosting thing I don’t like.

I also don’t mind when it’s people we were friends with outside of having kids that come over, as it’s a nice catch up for us too.

anyone else?

4 and 1. It may feel like a chore but as they said it pays off. Kids learn so much from their parents and there are SO many benefits to socialising outside of a structured environment like nursery and at home with friends. If your kids see you speaking and socialising with parents, that's going to have huge benefits to them and give them a blue print going forward in life. That having fun and being with friends isn't just confined to school or nursery.

Of course spending time as a family is important. But all day every weekend? Kids need more than that.

I agree with you. We don't do many play dates at weeke nds. I'm happy to host a birthday party once a year and take dcs to parties, but otherwise weekends are better spent with family doing days outs or seeing a show (we usually have events like theatre and concerts booked months in advance), and play dates do encroach on that time (we are often away in school holidays so it's nothing like 52 weekends available). For us it's more of a priority to spend time together as a family and have siblings doing things together, than playing childminder for some kid in their class and being stuck at home. Sometimes we'll do play dates after school but we have weekly after school activities for one or the other of my dcs so it's usually not convenient either.

It would be best to do a mix, some weekends you will absolutely be too busy (because you can’t be arsed), some weekends you could say “oh we’re going to softplay , would jimmy like to join us instead?We can pick him up and drop him off.”, you’ll find some parents will agree and you can start a drop and run routine with them, you could say “oh son’s name would love to, but unfortunately DS is at work and I have an appointment.” Again, some parents will offer to have gim on his own, and you can invite the kid at yours on his own/suggest it wouldn’t be an issue and again establish a drop and run with these parents, some weekends say “oh we are going to the park /wherever would you like to join us?(especially if free)”, if the invite is close to a period of leave you can suggest one of those days instead as an alternative, some weekends you might have to suck it up and say yes but hopefully they’ll be few and far between if you try the other things first.

Oh God, OP - nobody likes playdates (except sometimes the kids)! Crying, smashed toys, horrible mess, damage to your house, food being messed with, whining, cheekiness from guest children that you wouldn't tolerate in your own.

They are usually just things you have to endure for the sake of your children.

I was a teacher and I can control a class, but some of the most stressful days of my life have been parties - especially the home ones - but even the 'entertainer' ones too.

I was SO glad when my children finished primary school!

I think you're being a bit precious. You can feel however you feel about playdates (and yes they can be a bit tedious) but it seems a bit depressing to want to limit your kids' opportunity to learn social skills: it's so important. Sacrificing a couple of hours at the weekend to have a coffee with another mum while your kids play isn't the biggest hardship.

I also find the desire to ringfence "family time" a bit controlling and restrictive. You'll have plenty of family time over the course of their childhood and if you force it they will grow to resent it as they get older. In my experience mandated "family time" is a snoozefest which kids bristle against. Far better to have them choose family than have it forced on them.

I think I just prefer going out than doing it at my house/their house at this stage of life. I prefer getting out to staying in.

we absolutely do do play dates and they see us chatting to other parents all the time whether that be at nursery, out and about or at a play date. but I do prefer being out at a playground than at my house where I have to tidy/clean before and after… I think that’s the difference for me.

for example just last weekend we met up with some friends who have kids the same age at a playground and had a lovely catch up while they played. It was so nice. But there’s something about it being at peoples houses or my own that just makes me dread it 😂

@Thepeopleversuswork as I’ve said, we do do meet ups with other families on the weekend out and about. But the play dates I’ve been invited to at peoples houses just invite me and my child (so not younger sibling or husband) and obviously we don’t want to impose extra people on them when it’s at their house. I’d rather be with my family than do that, sue me 😂 but it does depend on who it is - if it’s a good friend of mine then of course I’d be happy to.

it’s not like we just never socialise, but I do think while they’re this little it’s nice to do things all together at the weekend as once they’re at school they’re sort of off with their mates more. Isn’t now the time to make the most of it while they’re little?

It's unfortunately one of these things as a parent you just need to grit your teeth with. I hate mess, I hate clutter, the mess my kids makes sends my nervous system into meltdown.

HOWEVER, it's not just my house. It's their house too. It's the house they live in and they deserve the chance to have friends round and to have these opportunities whether I like it or not. It's almost doing your kids a disservice to not allow them to have friends round.

Im not a completely self sacrificing parent but having kids means putting them first and at times having to do things that we dont necessarily like in order for our children to have new experiences and help their development.

Parks and soft play are great. However having a child have their friends round to their house where they can socialise in their home environment and share their toys, is a skill and experience that can't be replicated elsewhere. There's growing research now on the loss of free play for kids and how free play is essential for development . And these skills arent made at nursery or structured activities or soft play (and im big fans of all these things) but with kids just playing with each other in environments like their house.

I’m with you on this. I’m fine if I know the parents well but it’s awkward if not. However, I 100% prefer this over the parent not being there because some kids are awful and can be really naughty and not listen and I’m not great at telling other peoples kids off!

It doesn't need to be this all or nothing approach though. There's 52 weekends in a year. 8 days in a month. Having one or two play dates at home isn't going to eat into family time, or stop you spending time together or making memories together.

My four year old regularly asks people to come play at our house or to see a friend to go play. I can't imagine what sort of message I'd be telling them or how beneficial it would be me for them to tell them that they weren't allowed to have friends of their own choosing over.

There's people on here like yourself OP who "joke" and seem to think its funny to be anti-social and to not want to meet or speak to anyone they don't but it's anything but funny and I find incredibly sad. You and your children's world and life can be expanded and enriched by new friendships and experiences yet the growing consensus seems to be it's preferable to stay in your isolated nuclear bubble at a weekend.

Playdates aren't meant to be fun for the adults. They're socialising opportunities for the children.

How important they are for YOUR children depends on a number of factors: how many kids do you have, do your children have cousins and wider family, do they go to school/nursery, do they have clubs and activities where they meet different children?

Playdates are particularly important for two types of children imo. If your child is having trouble socialising at school or gets lost in a group, then it can be really beneficial for them to have their schoolfriends round and spend time with them one on one or in a small group environment, to build up relationships which will then help them to manage better at school. We've had children over who have fallen into this category and it's been really nice to see them come out of their shell a little and develop their confidence.

My DC is a bit louder and more confident and gets on well with his peers at school, but I still think playdates are really important for him because we don't have much close family locally. My kids don't have cousins and my family and in laws live a distance away from us. Like many kids, my DC tends towards the feral in some of his behaviour and occasionally has to be reminded of his manners, so playdates with families we are friends with (and where we both understand each other's DC and make allowances for them!) are a really good opportunity for him to see manners modelled in social situations and to practice his own, in a way that children with a bigger extended family probably see in their own family gatherings.

I dont think play dates was really a thing until super nanny started it.

My friend never done any her kids went to school made friends got older met friends after school and in the holidays.

I did! My DC did! (But we didn't call them 'Play Dates' - just going to play with a friend.
It was always lovely to see them interacting with children their age and also to get to know the parents. Having said that, I was lucky enought to be a SATP when young, then a part-timer, so I appreciate the circumstances are very different.

We did them regularly from nursery age right up to secondary. As they get older, I've found it even more useful to get to know their friends propoerly.

@WiltedLettuce

Playdates are particularly important for two types of children imo. If your child is having trouble socialising at school or gets lost in a group, then it can be really beneficial for them to have their schoolfriends round and spend time with them one on one or in a small group environment, to build up relationships which will then help them to manage better at school. We've had children over who have fallen into this category and it's been really nice to see them come out of their shell a little and develop their confidence.

I agree but also generally people are so much more atomised and there are so many more self-described "introverts" and people who seem to struggle with the concept of rubbing along with other people these days. Social contact is a massive protective factor for mental health and I think children need to take all the opportunities they can get, frankly. If that means giving up a couple of hours every two weeks for a fairly boring chat with someone you don't have loads in common with then that's the price you pay.

Completely understandable that you want to protect some family time @Peonyyyy but I wouldn't let it become a "thing": I've seen a lot of kids really bridle against this as they get older.

I have never ever done a weekend playdate just say no

I’m a bit confused by your reply as I haven’t joked that I like to be anti social, and I’m not anti social, I have said we do have meet ups and play dates outside of nursery. It’s just the house ones I don’t enjoy, but I think it’ll be easier once they’re at school and it’s more of an after school/drop off situation. When they’re just nursery age I don’t see much point.

Oh god same. Some parents are a nightmare as well. Last year my DD(6) had a pal over. I did my standard routine - throw them in the garden and let them go wild for a bit, then dinner and some crafts. In our house we always have music on, I love Fleetwood Mac so I think it was a playlist of that sort. Hardly vulgar or raunchy - got a text from the mum that basically said she noticed I was playing uncensored songs when she picked up her child and asked if I could either have no music or kids bop in future… safe to say she’s not been back 😂.

We never did play dates at the weekend for young children. That was family time.
As for having my house thrashed? Absolutely not.

Yanbu to not want them.

You're being a bit dramatic IMO. Your title is you don't like play dates but from your OP it sounds like you just don't want to do play dates on weekends at your house.

You're not obligated to invite people over just because they've invited you and you don't have to do it on weekends if you'd rather do other things. It's fine to suggest meeting at the park or a soft play.

Urgh. I feel you but i gravitated towards the mums who opened wine on the play date

just decline!

Brilliant! She tried to censor your music in your home (in case the six year old listened intently to Fleetwood Mac and memorised the lyrics)

please start a thread about batshit things other parents have done on a play date

So don’t do them until the kids are older and don’t need the parent to stay, and less likely to just be a massive handful.
Or always arrange for outwith the home.
For what it’s worth I disliked them too when dd was young because I didn’t like having to host a parent I wouldn’t necessarily have been friends with under different circumstances. I’m an older parent so why would a 23 year old parent want to hang out in the house of a 38 year old and make polite conversation while the kids play? Def go out.
Its much easier when they are older.

I don’t think most do them at 4 with nursery friends. Wait until school and consider that more an investment in time as they have years together

You win a medal 🙄

yanbu op. We don’t do play dates at all ever at home on the weekends. If it’s outdoors fine as we can leave and go when we want as well. I will only do a weekend play date if the parent is an actual friend too.

My DC were both quite shy/reserved in Reception and would probably fall into your category of children who ‘needed’ play dates. They also didn’t have many cousins around. I generally declined play dates invites to other people’s homes (except a couple of very close friends) and didn’t have children round to mine because frankly I couldn’t be bothered and it just sounded unappealing. We did however live close to a council estate where children of all ages played outside all the time and my two played with a bunch of these kids virtually every day. It was great for them and quite similar to my upbringing when ‘play dates’ didn’t exist (busy working parents didn’t have time for any of that, I just played out with other children and usually unsupervised).

DC are 10 & 13 now, plenty of friends and show no ill effects from not engaging in structured play dates. I have no idea why parents put themselves through all kinds of purgatory for the alleged benefit of socialising their kids.