AIBU to want to step back from our long standing friendship group?

[sycaless]

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable here… interested to hear if anyone else has found themselves in a similar position.

DH and I have been part of the same fairly large friendship group for about 20 years. They're all perfectly nice people, but if I'm honest I've never really felt I've properly clicked with most of them. Over the last few years I've started wondering whether I actually want to keep investing so much time and energy into these friendships, but DH can't really understand why I'd want to step back.

We're all around 40 now and pretty much every social occasion revolves around drinking (or other things). Even "just a quick one at the pub" usually ends up with everyone getting fairly wrecked. Years ago it all felt a bit more spontaneous and people seemed more interesting somehow. Now I sometimes feel like we're all acting out the same script. The same jokes, the same stories, the same personalities. It's almost like being in a sitcom that's gone on a few series too long.

There have always been little cliques within the group as well, and they seem to shuffle around depending on who's fallen out with whom, who's moved away, who's back in town etc. It all feels a bit... performative? Superficial? I can't quite put my finger on it. There’s a level of competition around creating and maintaining these cliques and, for some, about leading them.

I'm starting to wonder if I've simply outgrown it, or whether this is just what happens with friendship groups that have been together for decades.

Has anyone else ever reached this stage? Did you quietly distance yourself and make new friends or did you stick with it because old friends are worth hanging onto even if you've changed? And if your partner still loves the group, how did you navigate that?

Tbh this sounds exhausting! Little cliques because Grown adults are falling out with each other! I’d be inclined to step back a little too! I much prefer to keep my friends separate than one big group anyway so I can concentrate on 1:1/ 1:2 time as I feel the friendships are much deeper that way as you can spend time properly communicating in smaller groups.

Totally agree about 1:1/1:2 time! It’s so much more rewarding!

Cliques forming from people falling out has only ever happened a few times tbf. But often it’s cliques based on interests like “the prosecco crew” “the glasto crew” “the kids crew” “the girly crew” and if you don’t insert yourself into everything - which is exhausting - some will make you feel like you’ve been demoted for missing some event. Not sure if that’s intentional but that’s how it feels. There’s like a thousand WhatsApp chats too to keep track of and invest time into

How many people are in the group and how often do you see them?

Honestly, I wouldn’t completely step away. Maybe don’t go to everything if you don’t fancy it - your DH can go solo I’m sure.

Personally I think there is value to having some friendships that aren’t particularly deep and are really just about having a laugh.

Ooo I couldn’t cope with all that! Do you have any friends outside the group you could spend more time with? Still see this group with DH but then they’re not your sole focus?

Sounds as though you don’t have warm feelings toward these friends so you’re judging them instead. You have already stepped away, just you haven’t done it physically.

Your DH still likes his friends, you should step back and let that continue. Perfectly fine for you to create some distance.

When life goes wrong, as it will, friendships are important. Shared memories are important. It's not just loneliness that's a killer as you get older, it's also literally healthier for you to regularly mix with the same group (either BBC or New Scientist had an article about how it affects microbes).
Nothing wrong with suggesting new activities eg walking/visiting new places. A lot of people feel lazy in their 40s, and it's easy to let things slip, but please don't lose something important.

I had a fairly large group of friends when our DC were small and over the years people have drifted in and out of our lives. We retired and stopped making so much effort to maintain the groups. We now only see the 6 or so people who contact us. More than enough. People are exhausting.

@Pistachiocake is absolutely right. The fashion on MN for ditching anybody and everybody that doesn’t float your boat 100% is myopic and unhealthy. We need to be generous to each other and stick together. Treating friends as disposable is a sad state of affairs.

You’re right, the judgement started around the time I realised having kids wasn’t going to stop the drug taking

Sounds….less than wonderful. Do you actually like these people? Do you talk to them about things you are interested in and care about? Could you go to them with a problem, if you needed support ?
I think step back ,after all if you miss them terribly it sounds as if you could always step forwards again in a large friendship group. ( but I am a mega introvert with my close friends and “people I know who I occasionally do things with” so what do I know about large friendship groups?😁)
If you feel you have never really clicked with them,as you said in your OP and its been years maybe it's time to move on….

Sounds like they all take gear and sit and talk shite? Been there in my 20s, zero desire in my 40s. How boring. I'd be stepping back. Doesn't sound like you have much in common anymore.

I'm exhausted just reading this. And you're all how old did you say?

I sometimes feel like we're all acting out the same script. The same jokes, the same stories, the same personalities. It's almost like being in a sitcom that's gone on a few series too long
I studied 'Educating Rita' while at university. There's a scene where they're all in the pub (as usual), all drinking and singing raucously (as usual) and there's an older woman getting upset, saying "We could sing better songs. We could sing better songs!" The point of this scene is to show how Rita, as a young woman, is unfulfilled. She's tired of the boring, brainless songs and jokes in the pub. She wants to challenge herself and grow as a person - to sing better songs. The old lady is future Rita if she doesn't take a different path.

Just an observation. Your comment brought it all back to me. The Banshees of Inisherin has a similar theme.

I backed away from social groups like this years ago, I have very few friends now but prefer that to having to spend so much time in performative socialising and pub culture.

For big pub get togethers, can't your DH go without you?

Can you get very busy at fitness and evening classes, so you just look in for a quick drink afterwards at the end of the evening, to keep him company, or a quick soft drink at the beginning, on your way to a class?

And yet again, the bizarrely common Mn problem — ending things with ‘friends’ you don’t like! Why, for the love of God, @sycaless, have you wasted 20 years on a friendship groups where you say you’ve never clicked with most of them? It’s not even that you’ve grown apart, you’ve never much liked most of these people!

I just got very busy at work in my 20’s and slid out of a similar group. Could OP pretend to do the same?

I recognize this kind of group - seen a few like this based from College, School or University years.

I'm a fringe person so never been invited into them but been in the sidelines watching on a little.

Now I'm in my 40s I'm honestly so glad I'm not tied up in a group like this for all the reasons you mention!

My friends describe me as very social. You can be very social without being part of a big clique like this. If it's getting you down I'd step away from it, but you can't really dictate to DH to do the same if the group makes him happy.

Oh goodness. Sounds like they are continually acting out their youth. Exhausting it would be a no from here and a step back. I would discuss it with DH more as in what do we want to do as in you/me interests etc

I was speaking to a newish friend who happens to be the SIL of an old friend. I was explaining that I felt a bit sad about how we'd drofted apart over the past 10 years - nothing has happened, no falling out etc but we don't see each other anymore apart from a quick hello on the school run (which is a coincidence - our friendship predates DC). New friend said something really profound which stuck with me:

Friendships can be seasonal, and it's ok if the season ends and life moves to the next one. It's just part of nature's cycle.

Start investing your time in other things whilst keeping one toe in.

No falling out, just a lot less availability.
The drug taking would not be my scene so that definitely would put me off, as well as how horribly enmeshed it sounds.

Surely you understand that if I used the word “most” then it means I like “some”? Why have you come to the conclusion that it’s 20 years wasted? Please refresh your reading comprehension skills.

I don’t feel like I can go to most of them with a problem for support, no. I can talk to some of them about things I’m interested in and care about but generally the chat is very superficial, whatever is on trend/in the news and by default “how’s work?” “what’ve you been up to?” even when a week has passed since we last saw them… maybe this is normal? sometimes I feel like it’s me not them? But I have other friends where this doesn’t happen and where conversations flow more naturally/less performative.

At the same time, it makes sense that this is how it is since there’s a lot of people in the group, so I get that, but to quote @FestivalOfNight I often - not always - feel unfulfilled.

Yes I feel the same about my friendship group . I’m bored, they never want to do anything accept go to the local pub to have the same conversations with the same people . We sometimes go out to eat but we have to choose the same cheap restaurants to cater for those on a budget . Luckily I have other friends who are happy to do things further than a 2 mile radius of home . I’ve outgrown the local group and am slow fading so I understand why OP is getting jaded with them all .