AIBU to worry my partner keeps our children too separate?

[Leabee1234]

I feel though my partner doesn't make much effort with my son. He says he loves him like his own but I can't help feel he doesn't
He has an older child and my son is younger so a 5 year age gap
He has his child every other weekend and likes to keep that time strictly with him and his child- we have on rare occasions done things together but it has been stressful

We dont live together but was planning to in future and even planning having another baby but how will this work if the children are kept seperate?

Because of this arrangement me and my son do our own thing on my weekends with him but the alternating weekends my son is with his dad so this ends up us rarely doing anything with my son

He interacts and plays with him etc at home but we dont seem to do much other than that

I just dont know how it would work in future if our parent lives our kept seperate. I understand he wanrs time alone with his child as that's allvhis child has been used to but he wants to.keep it that way as he only has him twice a momth

Do you love his ‘as your own’? I think it’s unrealistic. One of my step parents I was extremely close to, but that was after a few decades! The other we undoubtedly care about each other, but it’s different.

He's doing absolutely the right thing by prioritising 1-2-1 time with his son when he actually has him.
That he interacts well with your son when he sees him is positive.
Good on him, as people just in to 'blending' families and it usually entails forcing children to spend time together.

Imo don't even consider another dc...
Has he suggested a time frame for living together?beware of a Faked Future.

I respect the time alone with his child and have accepted that this is my first relationship I've been in since having a child same with him. I just was thinking how we parent separately but in future if we do live together and have another child how would this work. We have been together closer to 2 years

I dont have the chance to see them or to bond with them however he sees my child most days as we spend alot of time at eachother house but of course I love them. He was the one who said he loves my child like his own

Honestly it probably won’t work. It will be messy and stressful and your kids will be caught in the middle.

The "love them like his own" line doesn't ring true in most step parent/child relationships (obviously not all).

I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to have one to one time with his child if he only sees them every other weekend. Wouldn't you feel the same if you only saw your child 2 days out of 14? If you don't live together, how much time does he spend with your son? I feel it's unlikely he loves him like his own, whatever he says. He might well be fond of your child but if push comes to shove, he's going to put his own children first, as you would too.

You need to ask him how he sees that if you live together.
then you make a choice based on his answer.

He shouldn't have said that. It's stupid to say it, it's stupid to believe it. Of course he is going to love his child who he has fathered and patented for many years compared to a child he has known for 2 years and isn't a parent to!

Ignore the 'love him like my own' platitude.

He'd be a bit weird if he did to be honest.

How long has he even known your child if the relationship is less than 2 years old?

Of course I understand that . He spends time whenever I either go to his or he comes to mine mainly on evenings we dont do anything or go anywhere together rarely as I said the weekends are alternated for both our children and Co parents.

Im not bothered about that comment I just was concerned how it would work long term if the children were kept separate . Especially if we want another baby which he knows I do and he also does as we would have to live together

How are you going to feel when he takes your shared child with him and his existing child EOW and not your existing child?

You don't live together, you barely know his child, rightly so IMO and he shouldn't have this level of involvement with yours, you are on different pages regarding parenting - wouldn't be a good idea to have a child with him who he will absolutely treat differently to a child that is not his.

Being a good dad to his child should be his no.1 priority, with you and your child second. He should be led by his own child, and 1:1 time with them is important.
For you, your no.1 priority is your child. It is great you get this time together.
A blended family is a lovely fantasy but doesn’t often work in reality for the children, I don’t think? My kids would hate it!

The two of you aren't currently living together so I think trying to blend as a family is rushing things. You've been together for not even 2 years.

He doesn't love your son like his own.
He doesn't spend enough time with him to develop that kind of bond. When you do have the kids spending time together, you say it's stressful. Why is that? Do they not get along? If they don't, this is not the relationship for you.

He rightly prioritizes time with his eldest while you spend time with your child. I imagine that will continue if you move in together. He'll take his kid and do something. That's the point of custody time. Plus there's the age gap with your son.

How old are both DC?

How long has he known your DC?

He wouldn't necessarily keep the children "separate", but he would still spend one-on-one time with his first one you'd hope.

He has his child every other weekend
is that all? That's nothing. He can't play happy merged family if he only sees his kid twice a month.

If you want to be a family, he should be 50/50 resident parent, which he is not.

It doesn't sound like blending families and having another child is in any way in the best interest of his existing child. I'm guessing his child is a pre-teen or a teen and understandably has very little interest in befriending a child 5 years younger than them. I think you need to be realistic about what your future could look like here and don't listen to what your boyfriend is telling you becuase he seems to only be telling you what you want to hear rather than the truth. He must have only known your child for a year, there is no way he loves him like his own. He might just be future faking as the current setup works for him right now, but he knows you want more.

When your five year old is at his dads, does he spend that time with another woman and a ten year old boy?

I rarely agree with how OTT judgemental MN is regarding blended families or women moving on but honestly this feels super rushed.

You haven’t even started living together and you’re already thinking of babies.

We don't know how old the kids are.

Just that there's a 5 year age gap.

This isn’t going to work. If you spend no time with his child you simply can’t get to know them before you decide to live together. And blending a family then won’t work either as his child has been used to having dad to himself every other weekend.

if you are going to live together is that’s what is to be expected? Will he leave the house and stay elsewhere that weekend?

it’s a deal breaker for me

If you only had your child twice a month surely you'd want it to be quality 1 on 1 time. 5 years is quite an age gap, as you said it was stressful when you all did something together. It's completely reasonable that your DP wants his time with his son to be enjoyable and all about his son rather than having to compromise for you and your DC.

Twice a month though is a shockingly low amount of time for him to spend with his DC.

If he can't make more time for the one he's already got, why on earth do you think he should have another one?