AIBU to worry my partner keeps our children too separate?

[Leabee1234]

I feel though my partner doesn't make much effort with my son. He says he loves him like his own but I can't help feel he doesn't
He has an older child and my son is younger so a 5 year age gap
He has his child every other weekend and likes to keep that time strictly with him and his child- we have on rare occasions done things together but it has been stressful

We dont live together but was planning to in future and even planning having another baby but how will this work if the children are kept seperate?

Because of this arrangement me and my son do our own thing on my weekends with him but the alternating weekends my son is with his dad so this ends up us rarely doing anything with my son

He interacts and plays with him etc at home but we dont seem to do much other than that

I just dont know how it would work in future if our parent lives our kept seperate. I understand he wanrs time alone with his child as that's allvhis child has been used to but he wants to.keep it that way as he only has him twice a momth

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.

He only sees his current child EOW. He’s a poor father.

Date him when you’re both child free if you like. Personally I’d have screened him out for the limited contact with his child though

Different ages almost 4 and almost 9 so my child has tantrums very hyper etc older is more chilled of course and into different things of course. We both talk about having a child in future but obviously our children come first but that is when issues may arise . And yes of course we would have to live together before considering a child . I am trying to think longnterm.

The priority for the son he already has should still come first on those weekends. He only sees his son twice a month which makes him a piss poor parent as it is. If you have a child with him I’d accept that every other weekend is still his weekend with his first child and you’ll have to manage yours on your own. I have 3 children of various ages and my oh works away in a different country. You’d still be living together so it’s really a non issue him prioritising his own child and not yours twice a month. You could even compare it to partners on here who have time consuming hobbies, except they’re in the gym/sat in the pub every single night, or golfing/cycling every single weekend. At least he’s doing something worthwhile

You don’t even live together, it seems perfectly reasonable for him to spend his time with his son doing age appropriate activities and only doing something with his son and your son together on the rare occasion.

Your son is not his son. You do not live together. It is weird that he says he loves your son like his own… he shouldn’t and it is a lie. Why do you want this man, who is not your child’s family, to do things with your son?

Stop forcing him into the father position for your kid. He isn’t his dad. He will never be his dad. You are pushing for something that is unsafe and unrealistic.

For now I could understand that for his child it's important he gets one on one time with his dad. However, if you truly plan to move in together you need a plan. The only way that works if if his child has a chance to get to know you and your child. It is a recipe for disaster otherwise.

I wouldn't be setting out any blunt ultimatums but I would be wanting a conversation about his plan - what is his timeline? How does he forsee this going? If he's unwilling to discuss or make plans then that's your answer and you split.

Stop thinking long term. It hasn’t been long enough to consider this yet. You barely know each other.

EOW is a pretty standard custody arrangement, most people I knew growing up with divorced parents had this and often it's what the primary carer wants, so I think some of the heat he's getting for that is unfair. However I do think him saying he loves your son "as his own" is simply untrue, he's not demonstrating that and anyway why would he feel that way? It suggests he's not being honest about how he feels.

Blending families is really difficult for exactly the reasons you cite. It's natural for both parents to prioritise their birth child however well intentioned to begin with, and then resentment builds. There's no reason why the boys would get on or develop a relationship as they get older - it's a big age gap anyway. Adding another child to this mix and it's a recipe for disaster. It will be another big age gap and they'll all want to do different things, and your partner would disappear to do things with his son EOW.

I don't think your partner sounds like a bad person you should dump, but I also think your future plans to move in and have another child are unrealistic, it's going to be very complex.and difficult not big happy families.

Im not pushing anything my child has his own dad who he also sees every other weekend also. I was thinking more long term and the reality of if we lived together I would be more than happy to still separate the time but if we lived together in future that would be difficult to do for the whole weekend unless someone stayed elsewhere for that weekend which would be hard to do if you share one home.

Actually OP, given everything your cheating thug of an ex has put you through and therefore your child, I'm very surprised you're even thinking about having a baby with a man you've been with for 16 months.

You really need to slow down and put your 3 year old first.

I find it hard to say on things like this-I used to think anyone who chooses to be a father/mother figure should permanently be that, as it's not fair on the children otherwise. But at one time, step parents were usually going to be permanent-now some people have several different partners after having kids. Not saying you're doing that OP, but your kids will have seen others who do and might worry about forming a strong bond all for nothing. Also, some people are more judgmental about step parents and say they shouldn't be the same as blood parents.
So I think you are right, but I can understand why he might be worried too.

He barely sees his son so I would expect him to spend time with him 1:1.
I am not sure I would want a child with him when he plays such a small role in his own child's life.

This is bang on. Why on earth would this man make more time for/be interested in a second child when he barely makes time for his first? What is 4 days a month out of 30? Less than a seventh of the time. This is not who you want as the dad for your next child.

Thanks everyone as people have said i guess it won't work then. I was also upset as my sons birthday is not far away and I had a short trip planned for him he was free that weekend and chose not to come even though he had no plans and doesnt have his child. People are right I'm probably living a fantasy in my head for the future I love this man but my child is my life and he knew this since he met me

Blending families is very difficult and often fraught with tension and upset.

I would not be planning to live together or have another child, I think you would regret it. Focus on the child you have, and on making a great life for the two of you.

Surely you can carry on the relationship with DP as it is, respecting that there will always be boundaries as you have different priorities.

Its very difficult. I want another child long term and to eventually be able to live with my partner. Unfortunately I dont see it happening for a long time.

It’s not the 1980’s anymore. 50/50 is becoming pretty standard with more and more men becoming the primary carer. Also the excuse that ‘that’s what the primary carer wants’, that shouldn’t matter. It’s a pretty cheap and simple process getting court ordered contact nowadays