AIBU to feel annoyed when my mother hijacks family meal plans?

[Pamalamb]

I think I may be being spoilt here but I am not sure.

My DM is quite controlling and makes a huge fuss when entertaining. It became so bad (stress and alcohol) that we have broadly moved away from events in DMs house and have them in our homes. For context she is 76 and alone so isn’t really able for it either. However she always insists on bringing something for the meal that creates a massive fuss or is completely not in line with what the host might be preparing.

For example, this weekend I’m having family. I had planned salads and perhaps some chicken and barbecued steak as part of the meal. My intention was to put everything on the island and let everyone help themselves. DM is now insisting on bringing curry. There is no talking to her and these will need to be he said and if they’re not served to her liking there will be a massive fuss. She does this kind of thing all the time, brings desserts that need to be assembled and then make a massive fuss about it completely stressing out the host.

AIBU to be annoyed by that the meal is being highjacked by what DM wants to serve? I know it’s nice to have help but the idea was that this might be a relaxed day

Yes I know, then she said meatballs.

I suppose meatballs would be outing to changed it to curry?

Bizarre.

MIL used to do this and then go on and on and on about what she had brought and stand over people guilting them into eating some even though they’d politely declined. The worst was when my dad had lost a significant amount of weight through very careful calorie counting, but he’s a binger by nature, I had warned her in advance not to force him to eat her dessert because he’s got a sweet tooth, and I didn’t want him to be knocked off his diet, well guess what she did. We stopped inviting her. Harsh but problem solved.

I’ve a friend who does this, will bring an elaborate pudding that needs the oven or takes over the entire fridge. Or will bring a couple of side dishes ‘that just need finishing’. She stopped after one Christmas when she’d bought stuffing that needed making on the stove, which was full, there was already stuffing- and another side dish that needed the oven….which was full. She ended up eating 20 minutes after us as she finished off the dishes…

I’d call her the day before ‘just to check you’re not bringing anything tomorrow, as I’ve asked you not to. Do you understand ? Can you confirm you’re not going to bring anything?’ Literally talk to her like it’s her first day on earth given that previous communications aren’t working.
If she turns up with something :
‘do you remember our call yesterday when we said you weren’t bringing anything ? Why have you done this ? Do you think you need to see a doctor re your memory’? Pop it in the fridge for her to take home, absolutely do not serve it.

Yeah we had this with mil.

try picnic in a park or national trust place where everyone brings a contribution.

mil was never happy in restaurants so that was a bit of a non starter.

Why don't you let your mum sort out her own dish. Just keep busy with you Barbie and tell her to sort it out herself

Can you steer her a bit? Is she actually a good cook?

Would it work to say ‘mum, any chance you can bring those amazing kofte you do?’ (Or anything that vaguely complements what you’re serving already).

I have one friend who is an appalling faffer abouter in other people’s kitchens. I’ve given her to understand that her potato bhajis & dips are life changingly wonderful, so now they are her signature thing - & it’s manageable because the bhajis just get shoved into the oven to take the chill off, & the dips plonked on the table…