AIBU to feel annoyed when my mother hijacks family meal plans?

[Pamalamb]

I think I may be being spoilt here but I am not sure.

My DM is quite controlling and makes a huge fuss when entertaining. It became so bad (stress and alcohol) that we have broadly moved away from events in DMs house and have them in our homes. For context she is 76 and alone so isn’t really able for it either. However she always insists on bringing something for the meal that creates a massive fuss or is completely not in line with what the host might be preparing.

For example, this weekend I’m having family. I had planned salads and perhaps some chicken and barbecued steak as part of the meal. My intention was to put everything on the island and let everyone help themselves. DM is now insisting on bringing curry. There is no talking to her and these will need to be he said and if they’re not served to her liking there will be a massive fuss. She does this kind of thing all the time, brings desserts that need to be assembled and then make a massive fuss about it completely stressing out the host.

AIBU to be annoyed by that the meal is being highjacked by what DM wants to serve? I know it’s nice to have help but the idea was that this might be a relaxed day

I'd just set them out with everything else.....don't buy into her fuss, and if she complains say ...'oh dear mum......sorry about that'.

But would it annoy me? Yes...but id try not to show it (easier said than done!)

This is where you have to repeat to her no need to bring anything, put her offerings in the fridge as she brought them anyway, close your ears to the wails and send her away with them at the end.

curry, let her.

she wants the drama, don’t give it to her.

anything involving a faff, stick it in the fridge and tell her you have it covered already and not to bother with it. She can take it home again.

Let her sort it then. Your stuff sounds prepared in advance or done on the bbq so she can be in the kitchen with her curry while everyone is outside with the bbq. Same when she brings desserts that need assembling - she does it.

If there’s no space that she can do this, in the fridge and she takes it home.

You can relax and let her get on with it.

This would drive me nuts. I'd:

-Not invite her to some events. Do you EVER get to host without her there?
-Take the curry, thank her, and stick it in the freezer to be used another day. when she asks about it, remind her that you'd already asked her to not bring anything.

Carry on regardless. Prepare the food and leave it on the island. Walk away from your mother if she starts fussing. She needs an audience for her drama, so don’t give her any attention.

Agree with putting in in the fridge but you could say this will be great for tomorrow. You're a star, mum,

Just carry on as you were. 'That's your department Mum, we have plenty of food anyway'.

Stop giving her any oxygen. If she brings food she has to sort it out. She’s looking for drama so don’t give it to her if it affects you adversely.

Thanks for all the suggestions, I will stick to my menu and the meatballs can be just there and if anyone wants them they can have them

Yes just serve them .put on the island and if anyone wants them they can have them !

This reminds me of a video on a podcast I saw recently... who was that.... it's on Dish with Nick Grimshaw and Angela Hartnett...argh. so annoying. Anyway - it was something about it being annoying to host a big thing, invite people over and for someone to bring a dish that absolutely doesn't go and you're like "here's all the food I created for this evening and there's her salad over there, she made it".

Let her bring it. Everyone will see how completely incongruous it is to the meal, the type of plates/bowls/cutlery you have out etc.

Irritating but well meant.

Do you have any teenagers, particularly boys attending. In my experience they can happily have a second meal within a couple of hours so I'd simply say, that will be lovely for later when it cools down a bit. We can cook some rice or use leftover salad with it.
Or just buy some naan breads and people can have curry and bread so you are not trying to cook hot rice/reheat it safely at the same time as bbqing.

Is she from an Asian or Black heritage? If so, no meal is complete unless there is curry!

That is annoying. I hosted a tapas night with friends as a planning meeting before our girl trip to Barcelona. Said to people I'll do tapas and have wine and sangria in, if you want anything different - please bring it.

Now, I meant I'll have the tapas ready, but "bring a bottle" if you don't want wine or sangria, but I should've been more specific. Everyone brought a bottle or some after-dinner chocolates etc, apart from one friend who turned up with a shopping bag containing one of those 3 part stirfry kits from M&S for herself and promptly asked me for a wok and some oil, preferably sesame, so she could cook her own dinner in my kitchen...

My mum does this then looks completely surprised when no one eats the stew she brought to the BBQ, pasta to go with the curry/ stir fry to complement the roast dinner etc. It used to annoy me but now I just let her get on with it and laugh about the most incongruous mismatches with DH.

Oh so it’s not just my Mum - that’s a relief

And no, she’s not Asian. It just have easily been stew, meatballs etc

Say thanks, put on counter and ignore it

Don't help assemble or reheat or anything - agree its annoying.

People can only create fuss and theatrics if there's an audience, so don't provide her with one. 'oh well.'/'heat it up if you want, I've already sorted everything I wanted done' and walk away.

Its tricky, I have a guest like this. I dont mind people bringing stuff but she brings stuff that needs cooking/heating/assembling and says 'oh just pop this in the oven 20 mins before we eat' when a) ive planned out the oven space and b) ive got enough to do as it is! Now I am clear that if people must bring something, it has to be ready to serve with no prep/heating/cooking or it'll just be sent home with them.

I feel.your pain. Its the way they act like they've done you a favour as well by 'helping' and expect everyone else to be like 'oh aren't you clever, your dish is fab...' 🙄

It is meatballs though - or do you mean curried meatballs?

That was a response to a poster asking if my DM was Asian and was that why she was bringing curry - my answer was no she’s not Asian and the meals she brings could be anything

No, you mentioned meatballs before being asked if she was Asian...

Thanks for all the suggestions, I will stick to my menu and the meatballs can be just there and if anyone wants them they can have them

Double post

She said curry first which I assume is why people asked if the mum is Asian