It’s official, I’m the poor friend (lighthearted)

[RainbowsAndRoundabouts]

Or so a family member informed me today.

They asked where I got the dress I was wearing, and I said a friend had given it to me because they no longer wanted it. Apparently it's quite expensive. I had absolutely no idea - I'm not really into fashion, though I have since Googled it (naturally).

I'm fairly environmentally minded (and partial to a bargain), so I buy a lot second-hand anyway. I tend to care more about decent fabric and good stitching than whatever label happens to be sewn in. My friends know this, so before they get rid of things they often ask if I'd like them.

It's not just clothes either. Over the years I've ended up with a lovely coffee machine, a stand mixer that didn't suit someone's new kitchen, a city bike from an abandoned New Year's resolution, a laptop, plenty of books, bags and bits of furniture. If it's useful and would otherwise sit unused, I'm very happy to give it a good home, then pass it on when I'm finished with it.

According to my family member, this firmly makes me the poor friend, and I ought to be at least slightly embarrassed. 😄

Do they have a point though? I give friends things too - it's just more "would anyone like some spare tomato plants?" than "here, have this designer coat, I can't be bothered with Vinted."

For context, said family member is very comfortably off (large house, private schools, new cars every few years), so we don't exactly see eye to eye on money. We get on well though, so this was very much said in jest.

AIBU not to be remotely embarrassed about happily accepting friends' unwanted things?

It's extraordinary how some people who have all the things, who are materially well off and have the huge house, aren't just comfortable with that and living that way.

They have to point out to others just how unfortunate they are, and somehow the process of doing that makes them feel better about having "worked hard" to get the things they did.

YANBU OP at all, please ignore these types. they are insufferable.

I’d rather be in your poor friend camp than the arrogant rich twat camp!

You sound lovely and they sound a tad judgy.
I hate people who think they are ‘better ‘ because they have money!

You sound very popular and much loved. They’re probably just jealous

Your family member is jealous that you got these items for free so she has made a dig about it. Her problem not yours.

The way I'd frame it isn't it nice that you've been given all these things you like/use etc. You get to benefit, the product gets used properly. It's all good. If a friend has a nice thing and I benefit I just see that as an advantage. It's like they say, don't have a swimming pool; have a friend with a swimming pool.

It's the other way round: it's working class/ poorer people who care more about 'looking poor' so won't accept handle downs or second hand items. Actually rich/ wealthier people don't care. I come from a WC background and would have felt 'poor' and like I could not provide if I had hand me down items for my baby but my MC new mum friend said that all her friends from private school were all planning to share/ swap baby items for round 2.

As someone with a house full of items that have been given to me or even retrieved from skips, I think you should be proud of yourself for recycling! Even if I could afford it, I don’t think I’d choose to buy many things new. I actually like the fact that things have a story. I think sometimes people prefer to give away their mistakes/upgraded items as it makes them feel less guilty about the waste so it can be a win win situation if it makes someone else happy.

If you had a mind, you could look outraged and accuse her of ' poverty shaming' you which is not OK and could get her cancelled!

AIBU not to be remotely embarrassed about happily accepting friends' unwanted things?

You wouldn't be unreasonable at all but you clearly are embarrassed, hence the thread and an awful lot of justification for doing what I'm guessing the majority of us do anyway.

Just own it and ignore anyone else.

I too am often the recepient of friends and relatives 'hand-me-downs' or donations, as a result I have some lovely, more expensive brands than I would ever buy myself! Second hand sites like Vinted are huge now - you're just getting the stuff for free - clever you!

I'd assume she has no idea what she's talking about and her friendship circle has a different culture to yours. Our friends regularly give away or accept items like clothing and furniture, and there's no particular relation to how much money we have (I'd say all fairly comfortable, similar lifestyles, but not necessarily equal - so we would sell things, but we don't have to). They're things that are worth selling but we tend to offer to friends who will want them for free first, and then make the effort to sell if our friends don't need them.

I'm exactly like you, most of my clothes are second hand (via charity shops or vinted rather than being gifted them but that is also fine) and I'm well turned out. I like that I'm doing my bit for the environment. In general I live pretty modestly. I have simple tastes and I've never been into fashion or brand names. I may also be the poor friend in some peoples eyes but I don't care. If I'm judged, this is their problem and not mine. My disposable income goes into my pension so I'll be having the last laugh.

I’d rather be you every single time.

This.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it and a lot right with it (good for the environment etc.)

My friends and I often offer out items we are too fat for bored of/ don't suit us etc. - we have varying incomes.

I give another friend any decent quality clothes that my boys have grown out of. I value being able to offer her some freebies more than £2 an item on vinted.

I think its a testament of being close and comfortable friends who want to be generous and share with each other, not a reflection of wealth.

It’s a weird mix.

When my DCs were all at private school, the secondhand uniform shop was very popular. Patches and holes in PE kits, blazers and jumpers just weren’t seen as a problem amid the owners of Porsches, Maseratis and Bentleys.

Perhaps it’s all smoke and mirrors.

I don’t necessarily call myself ‘poor’ but I buy 90% of my stuff on Vinted. Really, it’s only undies and swimmers I won’t buy on there. It means I can get really good brands for a great price. My latest good find was a BNWT Weird Fish cross body bag for £10. The label said £45!! I wouldn’t have bought it in the shop as it was quite expensive.

Thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to reply so kindly. It’s been really nice to see there are so many people who feel the same way about using things properly rather than throwing them away.

A few people also said I might be feeling a bit embarrassed, and I suppose there’s probably some truth in that. It honestly hadn’t crossed my mind until this morning, but I guess the comment struck a nerve because it made me wonder whether my friends really do see me as the obvious place to offload all the things they no longer want.

I genuinely had never thought of it like that before. Now I have, I can see there is a bit of an imbalance if you look at it purely in terms of material things. I very rarely have anything to pass on because I try to be careful about what I buy or accept in the first place, and then I keep using it until it reaches the end of its natural life. That's not always about saving money, although that's obviously a nice bonus.

I don't think my family member is necessarily jealous, despite what some people have suggested. They get plenty of freebies from friends as well, just of a rather different sort. They might borrow someone's holiday home, be given frequent flyer miles that are about to expire, or end up with tickets to a sold-out show because the original recipient can't be bothered to go. You get the idea. But apparently, it’s different when it’s objects rather than experiences.

I think family member is a bit in their own vibe us all, maybe never heard of Vinted, doesn’t know that we are all wearing each others clothes now!

Exactly the same as me Think the only " new" thing in my house was a mattress. Everything else secondhand or from giveaway pages. With clothes I only tend to buy underwear new

The only lovely thing about clearing my mum’s house after her death was putting stuff out on a ‘please help yourself’ table and watching everything disappear! I’d much rather give away locally to friends, neighbours and friends of neighbours than drive to charity shop/drive to dump/faff about on Freecycle!

I'm sat here trying to work out what in my house is new!

The TV and mattresses are the only things I can think of!

I buy on ebay,charity shops and vinted

I can afford new but don't see why I should

My whole wardrobe (apart from undies) is second hand

Oddly,dps ex wife is on benefits (not a dig) and is obsessed with everything being brand new

Someone once bought an expensive toy from the charity shop for one of their dds and she threw it out and bought it new!

Utter waste of money

I'm always offering stuff to everyone-if it can have a new life somewhere else,then that's brilliant,if not,into the charity bag it goes

I remember a time when second hand was 'dirty','cheap' and 'ugh!you cant afford new?'

Now it's all the rage-ive always been ahead of the curve

YANBU.

The truly wealthy people I know are the most likely to have second hand and not waste. How else do they not only gain their wealth, but keep it.

Suggest your friend is more nouveau riche and trying to show off. True wealth doesn't need to show off.

Shame is a rich man's game, would've been my response 😂 I am also this friend! Do I feel bad? Absolutely not 😂