It’s official, I’m the poor friend (lighthearted)

[RainbowsAndRoundabouts]

Or so a family member informed me today.

They asked where I got the dress I was wearing, and I said a friend had given it to me because they no longer wanted it. Apparently it's quite expensive. I had absolutely no idea - I'm not really into fashion, though I have since Googled it (naturally).

I'm fairly environmentally minded (and partial to a bargain), so I buy a lot second-hand anyway. I tend to care more about decent fabric and good stitching than whatever label happens to be sewn in. My friends know this, so before they get rid of things they often ask if I'd like them.

It's not just clothes either. Over the years I've ended up with a lovely coffee machine, a stand mixer that didn't suit someone's new kitchen, a city bike from an abandoned New Year's resolution, a laptop, plenty of books, bags and bits of furniture. If it's useful and would otherwise sit unused, I'm very happy to give it a good home, then pass it on when I'm finished with it.

According to my family member, this firmly makes me the poor friend, and I ought to be at least slightly embarrassed. 😄

Do they have a point though? I give friends things too - it's just more "would anyone like some spare tomato plants?" than "here, have this designer coat, I can't be bothered with Vinted."

For context, said family member is very comfortably off (large house, private schools, new cars every few years), so we don't exactly see eye to eye on money. We get on well though, so this was very much said in jest.

AIBU not to be remotely embarrassed about happily accepting friends' unwanted things?

How rude? I don’t think that makes you the “poor friend”? They just know you’re open to it and appreciative. People like to know things are going to a good home rather than just being chucked out

Thats not true either. I love a hand me down 😂. It's just a personal choice surely.

Best not share how much my wedding dress was I'd be getting disowned 👀🤔🤭🥰

It’s called being savy ! Go you . Well done and why not . Who cares what you family members snob thinks xx

I wouldn’t say it happens super frequently, but it definitely does happen amongst our family and friends. I recently did a toy clean out and sent my sisters photos to see if there was anything they wanted before I donated them, and also asked my mum if she wanted to update the toy box at her house. They can all afford to buy toys, but the ones I had were still in good or even new condition so why not save the money? A friend of ours recently bought a new house with a built-in bbq in the alfresco so asked if anyone wanted his old one (which was only a couple of years old and lightly used); a different friend snapped it up. I’ve offered my friends clothes I no longer wear or that no longer fit if they’re in great condition and I know it’s their style/size, and they’ve done the same to me. Two of my current favourite dresses came from a friend who bought them online and the sizing was way out. If there’s nothing wrong with the item but you no longer have a use for it, I don’t see the issue with offering it to friends or family.

I voted wrong. Very sensible.

You sound slightly smug...

Don't forget that to freecycle nice things, someone does actually have to buy them new.

Feed into the cycle as well as taking from it

My first thought was a weird thing to say. Even if you thought it, it’s not a thing to say.

In my ideal world, we'd all only buy beautiful, well-made things that last for years and wear in rather than out. And we’d keep using them until they simply couldn't be repaired any longer.

Unfortunately that's not quite how the modern economy is set up. But that doesn't mean I can't try to live as close to that ideal as possible. Given the sheer volume of overproduction these days, I struggle to see the point in buying new things simply because that's what we’re expected to do. There are already more than enough perfectly good things in circulation without me helping to keep the conveyor belt going.

Exactly.

Accepting freebies and getting things second hand is a very middle class activity.

So, your friend is wrong OP. You couldn't be more middle class if you tried.

But your approach is almost parasitic.
You feel strongly against a system, but rely on others supporting the system for you to indirectly benefit from it, while maintaining a moral high ground

It's great to share stuff! Real rich people have done this for years. Only a certain type of person thinks there's something wrong with second hand, and I feel sorry for the "I couldn't have my kid in second-hand clothes" brigade. Often they're ones who wear brands just for the name, and they feel insecure.

I am poor lol

And I am also known as the person who will take anything. Lots of times I'll then rehome to another friend who is not in that circle but needs the item.

But I also offer to friends anything that we no longer need.

I got so so many of my DC toys at a nursery school closing sale. Brio, duplo, Melissa and doug, play kitchens and doll houses all for a ridiculously low price. Pretty much all of them have now gone to who would be my "richest" friend and she was thrilled not to have to buy any Santa/birthday presents for a few years.

I know some of my 14 year old maternity clothes are still being used by friends of friends of friends.

A much better way to live than constant consumerism

I'm a great believer in rehoming. My current dining table is, I don't know how old frankly, but it's mahogany and secondhand and someone was just chucking it out. My sofas are 37 years old. I got them when they were 27. They're still going. My rocking chair is I'm pretty confident it's third hand I got. I mean honestly, I think how many new pieces of furniture do I own one? Two? I think I own 6 new pieces of furniture out of 27 in total.

I'm not poor I just don't like either waste or wasting money. I get rid of all my furniture on Facebook marketplace if I don't know anyone who will want it and popping books and crockery outside my house with a Free sign sees the vanish in a few hours.

My home is also furnished with an eclectic mix of second-hand and passed-down things alongside new purchases. I prefer it that way, and it saves money for other things—and it saves things from going to waste. Same thing goes for clothes, books, and so on. Similarly, when I need to get rid of something not worth the trouble of selling, I try to find someone else who can use it, and it's always a pleasure to feel that it's going to a good home.

Same!

I would prefer things went to a good home then get peanuts for selling something (or the hassle). And I would be even more delighted if someone gifted me a lovely coffee machine! So don't fret..

I am really pleased if I can find a home for something I no longer need or to use something someone else doesn't want. We put things outside the house that we don't want or take to the charity shop. But I try and make them look attractive. Wash and press etc.

In my city (not UK) we have neighbourhood groups called Buy Nothing, based on the gift economy approach. You offer items that you no longer need, ask for items before going out to buy, or ask for items other people are offering. I've given clothes, extra garlic & mint from our garden, a jug of soy milk, a sanding machine, appliances, etc and received an instant pot, clothes, Hoka runners, protein bars & a box of tempeh packets, to name a few. The system decreases waste and increases community bonding. Whatever I offer that doesn't get taken goes to charity, but our charities are overflowing and picky so I prefer to BuyNothing offer first. OP, nothing to be ashamed about. You're helping the planet.