AIBU to ask where I stand over 13-year-old refusing contact?

[OhMy2017]

I have been divorced a long time and have a 13 year old who is now refusing to see dad
dad has a controlling personality and child has been struggling for a long time
now snapped and refusing all contact
he’s got solicitors involved asking for MORE contact
how do I respond please?
where do i stand legally if 13 year old refusing contact?
please help
thank you

Tell them 13year old says no.
If he applies to court they should listen to your child.

You stand by your child’s wishes and email the father with a list of the issues and why they will no longer be visiting. It’s then up to him to follow up.

The family court will not force contact with a child that age, their wants are put above the parents x

In my experience the court let my 13 yr old son choose not to see me and decide to live with his grandmother. Courts will follow child's wishes here I reckon

Don’t panic. At 13 your child is likely to be gillick competent, can make their own decisions and is allowed to make their own decisions.

He can apply to court if he likes but your child can’t be forced to see them.

I'd respond saying that your DC does not wish to have direct contact with their father.
I’d explain that DC has been struggling with contact and for how long, I’d not mention why at this stage.
I'd suggest indirect contact, through you, so you can protect your DC.

Courts won’t do anything at all over 16 and the closer a child is to 16 the more likely their views are to be listened to should the dad go to court.

there isn’t really a power to force them - you may have to “make them available” but if they refuse to go this isn’t generally with teens considered your issue.

https://www.stephens-scown.co.uk/family/children-issues/when-can-my-child-decide-on-contact/

Gillick competent doesn't mean they can make all decisions for themselves. It generally applies to health decisions and certainly doesn't mean a 13 year old can simply decide who to live with. However it's unlikely a court would order a child that age to spend time with a parent against their wishes, without a very good reason.

Get this moved to legal or divorce and separation for more informed answers.

This.

And if the court were to order the child to spend time with a parent, and they refused, what exactly would happen? Would the court hold a 13 year old in contempt?

Genuine question.

I started a similar thread yesterday but my child is 11. I’m seeing a solicitor tomorrow as I have no idea how to move forward.

Thank you
if I list issues he will use as bait I think due to his controlling nature

I wouldn't spend your money on a solicitor at this stage. Let the father apply to family courts. I have not had a situation exactly like this. I have been to family courts a couple of times and it takes months just to get a date.

Don’t list the issues, it’ll be like pouring petrol on a fire. If it goes to court your child can explain why they do not want to spend time with their dad.

If a child refuses then it depends on the age of the child and the nature of the refusal.

with many teens they’ll simply sod off at collection time and not be at home - they’ll be at friends or grandmas or wherever. Courts generally do understand that teens can and will run away rather than do things they don’t want to do.

lots of kids in care or in foster care leave their “homes” regularly and while the carers will report to the police there’s limits to what the police will do.

the police certainly won’t get involved with a 13 year old going to town on the bus to get out of seeing dad. They’ve got much higher priorities.

The child themselves wouldn’t be ordered to see dad. The order would say mum must make child available (or sometimes must make sure child spends time with dad, although this can cause more complications). If child is not made available dad can enforce. If mum has a reasonable excuse (such as child’s refusal) she generally won’t face consequences. If no reasonable excuse yes she could be found to be in contempt, fined, made to do unpaid work etc.

At 11 wishes and feelings will not be determinative unless the child is very mature for their age and has clear and cogent reasons not to want to see a parent. At 13 it’s more difficult but the court would likely be interested in why the child is saying they don’t want to see the other parent at all. Gillick only applies to consenting to health decisions and is irrelevant here.
But it’s way too simplistic to say that at 13 they always do what the child wants. You’d be expected to be encouraging contact as well.

Your 11 year old child’s wishes and feelings would be taken into consideration but wouldn’t hold the same weight as if they were 13+. Why don’t they want to see the other parent?

If hes throwing his weight around, i'd throw mine around too.
With a non-molestation order. Your 13yr old deserves their decision respected and their dad clearly won't.
www.gov.uk/government/publications/apply-for-a-non-molestation-or-occupation-order-fl401

The law changed recently and common sense has finally won the day! Children are NOT always better off having contact with their dad and they also can make this decision themselves

Well yes there is no longer a presumption that it is the child’s best interests to spend time with both parents. There has been no change to the law that says children can make their own decisions about child arrangements?

On what basis do you think the OP would get a non molestation order when she has been divorced for a long time and mentions nothing whatsoever about ongoing harassment or abuse? Do you know anything about non molestation orders? Or are you suggesting she lies?

That’s not what the change in the law is about. It has nothing to do with the weight given to wishes and feelings.

No. They would probably order social services to get involved and do everything in their power to repair the relationship. The court proceedings can go on for aaaaages in cases like that. They might appoint a guardian who could also push for certain interventions to be done. When all is said and done though the child still has the power. And it's never the child's responsibility to attend contact, but the parents' to facilitate it.

It’s a laundry list of stuff really - he’s moved an hour away, he’s remarried with two younger kids, he argues with her about her feelings, for about a year she’s told me she doesn’t want to go. I’ve encouraged contact and made suggestions (split weekends, one on one time for dinner etc) but he will not budge. Then two weeks ago she said she won’t go back. I’m getting a litany of messages accusing me of all sorts from her father but I can’t make her travel there if she doesn’t want too. The solicitor first hour is FOC and hopefully gives me some guidance.