AIBU to ask where I stand over 13-year-old refusing contact?

[OhMy2017]

I have been divorced a long time and have a 13 year old who is now refusing to see dad
dad has a controlling personality and child has been struggling for a long time
now snapped and refusing all contact
he’s got solicitors involved asking for MORE contact
how do I respond please?
where do i stand legally if 13 year old refusing contact?
please help
thank you

On what grounds?

Good luck! 11 is such a tricky age with things like this as the child really should be listened to, but courts just don’t give their wishes and feelings as much weight as if they were an older teen.

Realistically if she continually refuses and dad applies for a child arrangements order, your child will be spoken to by Cafcass in depth at some point, and their recommendations (which are generally followed) will be largely based on this.

I agree completely with this. Especially the no reasons. If he takes you to Court CAFCASS will interview him and tell the Court his wishes and feelings.

Did you get a solicitors letter? If so, feel free to ignore.

Get proper legal advice. A lot of the above responses are incorrect. I’m a family lawyer. You need specific advice tailored to your situation.

My solicitor says courts are unpredictable and what dc is doing by refusing is extreme

Thank you

my solicitor says that family court is unpredictable and that what dc is doing is extreme

if dc is 13, do dc’s wishes not count. Dc has suffered controlling behaviour avd has really struggle

I agree. They will be alert to the fact that there might be other reasons for refusing to go and that terminating any contact is likely not to be great for the child in the long term. I wouldn’t bank on the court just taking the child’s word for it. Also be very careful about how you communicate with your ex and don’t send any messages or say anything that make it appear that you also think contact should be terminated.

This is a realistic scenario

They do count but wishes and feelings are just one factor out of a list. The child’s welfare is paramount. However welfare is not always synonymous with what the child currently wants.

Is this actually being practiced though?

The first part is having a material effect on cases, yes

second part is untrue, children don’t now get to decide.

Really? How interesting seeing as the change has not gone through yet. The Courts and Tribunals Bill has not yet received royal assent so I am curious as to how cases are being impacted by the change that has not yet happened.

I know, but in my experience (and that of several colleagues) it is at least being referred to in submissions and given some weight by the court.

Okay I will take your word for it although judges shouldn’t really be referring to a proposed change that hasn’t gone through yet in their judgments. Presumably we’re also referring to cases where there are serious abuse allegations which is where the presumption causes issues. Not wishes and feelings cases. The presumption being removed doesn’t enhance the weight that should be given to wishes and feelings. And even before the presumption was introduced the court operated under a policy that contact is normally in the child’s best interests.

Yes that’s absolutely true, and I am referring to those kinds of cases. I suppose if a judge were to base their decision entirely on this incoming change to the law and nothing else, the order would certainly be appealable based on a mistake in law.

To be clear I mean counsel have referred to the incoming change in position statement/submissions and have not been corrected or dismissed. I haven’t dealt with any matters where the change to the law has been addressed in a judgement (quite rightly).

DC is refusing due to emotional abuse - Dc can’t get words out and throat closes when he talks to DC, doesbt feel safe, not heard, is tracked, has to rehearse what to say. It’s all got too much

would this hold weight?

Let it go to court. The court should listen to the child. If the court says contact should happen then it needs to be questioned how a 13 year old is going to be made to? If the child says no you can’t physically place a child that age in a car.

Practice direction 12j is I assume what that poster is referring to

No, the change in the law relates to s1(2A) of the Children Act 1989. The pp has now clarified that counsel have been including the proposed change in their submissions recently.

Is there more concern now about the possibility of parental alienation influencing the expressed wishes of 13 year olds? I am absolutely not implying that you are doing this, but I think courts are more atuned to this possibility which is maybe why your Solicitor is being cautious - they may know that 13 year olds wishes may not be taken at face value nowadays.

They don’t necessarily label it as parental alienation but there may be questions asked as to why the 13 year old is taking such a radical decision and what might have motivated it. Theres also a difference between a fairly mature child saying they want to live with one parent or that they want a particular pattern of contact and a child saying they want no contact at all.

Re the emotional abuse allegations they would look at this but from what OP says it’s quite vague. The tracking thing is something a lot of parents do (presumably find my phone etc). “Is not heard” is also pretty vague. Have the allegations been raised before this? OP needs to be careful that she is not seen as in any way trying to influence the arrangements or encouraging her DS to not see his dad.

It will depend on what the Cafcass officer makes of the DS’s views. It’s also often the case that teens will rebel against a stricter parent, eg one who tells them to do homework and will prefer a more permissive parent.

I have no real advice but I think you will have to wait until your ex takes you to Court. Of course he's blaming you, for the fact your child doesn't want to see him. He's not going to acknowledge to himself that the reason why his child doesn't want to see him, is because of his behaviour. It's much easier to blame you, and say you're influencing your daughter, than to look at himself.

I agree with the fact in theory a Court should take notice of the wishes of a 13 year old. However, I think if there's any suspicion that your daughter is being influenced by you or if your daughter can't give CAFCASS clear reasons/examples of why she doesn't want to see him, then it's possible she will have to see her Dad. The examples you've given, are vague, and I don't think will hold much weight.